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So, as some of you saw on Twitter yesterday, the SAME DAY my work broke up with me, I got a phone call from town hall about the job I applied for IN JULY.

I have an interview on Thursday.

The religious folk in my life, like my mother and Daycare Lady, are sure this is a sign from God.

I’d almost believe them except for one thing:

It’ll be a behavioral interview.

I have never EVER gotten a job from a behavioral interview. I SUCK at trying to come up with a “time when you and a coworker had a dispute” or at time when “you solved a problem at work.”

PH has tried to help me prepare and ended up practically bashing his head against a wall.

I can’t help it that when someone asks me a question like “tell me about a time when you had to work with a difficult coworker”, a truthful answer would be:

Well, I worked with this vet who was verbally abusive to me. So I just took it like a total doormat until he got sick of working with me and quit!

Somehow, that’s not what they want to hear, but that’s THE TRUTH. And no, that’s not what I say at the interview, but even when I try to come up with a story, I guess it doesn’t fit the question well enough or it just isn’t what they want to hear.

Because they never call back.

I’m terrible at trying to find the right story to fit their question, and PH has identified that I’m absolutely PATHETIC at identifying successes or triumphs in my workplace past.

I also feel that my best qualities are not easily represented in sweet little short stories with happy endings. I’m honest. I’m diligent. I have integrity. I am kind. I defer to my superiors.

But they don’t want stories about that. They want stories that present me as consolidated awesome in scrubs, and I’m awful at it.

I’m so going to fail this interview.

Does anyone have a cheat sheet for me, with the magic answers?