Meet Perfect Husband

Frequently Asked Questions About My Perfect Husband:

Carol, is your husband really that perfect?

Well, he cooks, he cleans, and he picks up after me, all while I sit in the bath and read.  There is a vase in our living room which always has red roses (or occasionally carnations if he couldn’t find any roses that looked healthy enough) blooming in it. When the previous flowers begin to wilt, he quietly brings home more roses and refills the vase.

He always unlocks the car door from the passenger side, and the opens it for me to get in. The first time my parents saw that, they thought he was showing off with excessive chivalry. I had to explain that he does it every single time. He also pulls chairs out for me in restaurants, which occasionally gets admiring comments from the waitresses.

He thinks my wide, flabby bottom is sexy and likes my pronounced, curvy gut.

He frequently apologizes for not being a better husband because he didn’t wash the dishes from the dinner he cooked me, or because the floor needs vacuuming. He thinks he doesn’t do enough for me, and I can’t seem to convince him that he does more than enough.

He always finds the most obscure, perfect gifts for me at Christmas and for birthdays and he always seems to know what I’m thinking.

Why do you call that “perfect”? I don’t want a man who is constantly at my beck and call, always acting on my every whim and being chivalrous all the time.

He may not be your idea of perfection, but he is mine. My father was born in the 1930s and I’m an only child. I’m used to a bit of chivalry and pampering. He’s perfect for me.

Surely he must have flaws?

Well, yes, of course. He’s a perfect husband, not a perfect person. For example, he is so fixated on serving me and making my life easier, that it’s sometimes hard to get him to give an opinion on what he would prefer. That can be frustrating at points, when I feel like trying to make his life easier for a change. It’s not always easy, you know, putting up with a perfect spouse.

He also likes sports, although he has missed important games before for something I want to do. I do try not to ask him for stuff when there’s sports on, because they seem so important to him, bless his little man heart.

Okay, so what did you do to get such a Perfect Husband?

I have no bloody clue. He’s a Mensa genius, and I am not. I don’t help around the house much, either. I wait for him to come home from work and then he cooks me dinner. Sometimes, on Saturdays, I’ll load the dish washer or clean the cat litter box.  I also spent several years dating someone else while he waited patiently in the wings. It was only after my boyfriend and I broke up our relationship of five years that my future Perfect Husband, (who had been my best friend/silent-worshipper-from-afar for many years) stepped forward and tried to convince me that he was worth a free trial. You can read our love story here.

I don’t know why he wants to be with me,  but I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Is it just me, or has the word “perfect” been repeated so many times that it has lost all meaning?

Same here! What a weird word. Per. Fect. Perfect. Perfectperfectperfectperfectperfectperfectperfectperfectperfectperfect. Now I have to look up the etymology.

*clicks away, comes back* Interesting. From the Online Etymology Dictionary:

perfect (adj.)

c.1225 (implied in perfectiun), from O.Fr. parfit (11c.), from L. perfectus “completed,” pp. of perficere “accomplish, finish, complete,” from per- “completely” + facere “to perform” (see factitious). Often used in Eng. as an intensive (perfect stranger, etc.). The verb meaning “to bring to full development” is recorded from 1398. Perfectionist is 1657, originally theological, “one who believes moral perfection may be attained in earthly existence;” sense of “one only satisfied with the highest standards” is from 1934.

Sounds right to me.