F*** You, 2013

Tags

2013, 2014, depression, miscarriage, new year

Good riddance, you sucked.

Were there good moments in 2013?

Sure.

Peak of the year – February 2013

Our trip to Disneyland was unbelievably awesome.

That was in February. It’s all been downhill since then.

I remember feeling so very lucky when I was pregnant. I remember how PH trawled three supermarkets to find the fixings to a chicken club wrap when I was craving them.  I felt so lucky that I had such a great husband, that I was pregnant with my second child, that I had been voted Employee of the Year, that I had gotten a trip to Disneyland.

I didn’t take it for granted.

I felt blessed.

Then it all fell apart.

I lost the pregnancy, and then I lost my husband to depression – hopefully temporarily.

I lost my patience with Owl.

I lost my interest in my job.

I lost the energy to train dogs.

I lost the will to care.

I lost hope in conceiving again.

I’m just lost.

Although I did gain ONE thing – weight!

So I kept my resolution.

I’m hoping that passing an arbitrary point around the sun will somehow turn the luck around.

Welcome, 2014.

Please give me my life back.

Resolutions I Can Get Behind

Tags

2013, new year, New Year Resolutions, realistic expectations

So, every year I look back at my New Year’s resolutions to see if I have achieved them, and of course I never have. They’re always things like “lose weight”, “write in diary more”, and other vague goals that don’t affect my day to day activities.

Yes, I want to lose weight.

Yes, I need to write in my diary more.

But I never think, in the middle of July, “Oh, I need to write in my diary tonight, because that was my New Year’s Resolution.”

And a lot of my resolutions aren’t about the things that really matter. I would like to write in my diary more, but is it a PRIORITY? Probably not.

So:

Post resolutions somewhere visible.

Done.

Gain weight.

I figure, either this is one resolution I will be happy to fail at, or I will at least get the satisfaction of claiming I gained weight ON PURPOSE. Besides, if I have another kid, I will almost certainly gain weight. So it is all the more worth achieving!

Get older.

I know this is like Joey Tribiani ordering his pet duck to “stay white”, but after all, if the inevitable must come to pass, we can at least pretend it is under our control.

Take advantage of being a grown up.

We forget sometimes. We’re so bogged down with the pressures of mortgages and  work and brushing our toddlers’ teeth that it’s easy to forget how many choices we have.

PH and I used to go out for midnight pancakes every now and then just because we could. Unfortunately, we can’t do that any more but there is probably a whole world of things we could do and just don’t think to. I want to discover some of those.

…Preferably the ones that don’t cost money, because, you know, pressures of a mortgage etc. 

Go on more date nights.

PH and I get a reasonable amount of date nights but we need more. My work schedule is going to be getting even heavier, and that always takes a toll on us because I’m stressed and PH is pouty about not getting to see me ever.

Our relationship is important.

So MOAR DATE NIGHTS. 

Concentrate monetary spending.

It’s too easy and vague to say “spend less money”, not to mention impossible considering that cars break down, family reunions must be attended etc. However, we tend to fritter a lot of our money away while still refusing to buy ourselves things we would actually use. 

I resolve to spend MORE money on the things we need, like items for organizing the house, groceries, and stuff for my business, and date nights (see above) and less on things like DVDs we will never have time to watch, video games we won’t have time to play, and lunches that I could have brought from home. 

Take care of my Beloved Dog

Poor Beloved Dog. He hasn’t been groomed in four years, he only gets a good run once a week or less, he is constantly being ordered out of the way by an imperious toddler who has stolen all of my attention from him, and he still sometimes screams and come running  to us, shaking, for no apparent reason despite two ultrasounds and a set of xrays.

He needs attention. He needs care. He’s my Beloved Dog. He needs to become more of a priority. He is at the groomer RIGHT NOW. I’m taking him to work to get his teeth cleaned NEXT WEEK. 

Put down the book and step up to the sink

I waste too much of my time reading. Yes, it’s sanity time, yes, I need it, but you know what else I need? A house that doesn’t drive both PH and I crazy. The least, the least I can do is wash the damn dishes after PH has cooked dinner every night. 

I think that’s good enough.

That New Years Meme, 2010 style

Tags

2010, new year

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Gave birth. Vomited chocolate in a public area and failed to clean it up. Lost a job. Nursed a baby. Carried the Olympic flame. Wet myself in a gas station washroom. Attended a Gold Medal Olympic event.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make resolutions last year. I believe my first thought of 2010 was “HOLY SHIT I’M PREGNANT” and my second thought of 2010 was “GODDAMN, NEW YEARS IS BORING WITHOUT CHAMPAGNE.” I will, however, make resolutions for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I’m pretty close to me.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My Nana died in May.

5. What countries did you visit?

Visited the United States a few times – the trip to New York, drives to Seattle and to Point Roberts.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A million dollars. A pony. Baseboards. A small, lightweight vacuum cleaner. A teleporter.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Aug 30th – the day Babby was due. Sept 8th – the day Babby was actually born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Both ends of the year were bookended by mild colds, but that’s about it. Except for the ripping of flesh and requiring of stitches. The first time I have EVER had stitches.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I… don’t really know. I don’t buy much. Um… maternity wear?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I’m going to say… my own. Not all the time – certain pregnancy freak-outs come to mind – but I handled the being-laid-off thing in a mature manner and managed not to say anything I regretted later. I also managed to give birth without screaming or being too big of a baby about it.  I’ve also gotten a lot better at managing my anxieties. Some newer friends recently called me “laid back” and I almost laughed in their faces.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

To be frank, my bosses at my old job. I don’t agree with some of the decisions they made, or how they handled certain situations.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Paying off debts of various kinds. Housing levy. Take-out food. Moses baskets and the like.

15. What did you get really excited about?

I… haven’t been really excited about anything in a long time. I was excited about the baby, I guess, but there was so much fear of change that I didn’t really look forward to it.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Hmmm… “The Cave”, “Fix You”, “Grace Kelly”, “Empire State of Mind”.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– Happier or sadder? Happier.

– Thinner or fatter? MUCH fatter.

– Richer or poorer? Poorer. Being on mat leave has cut my income in half.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Laughing. Cleaning. Writing in my diary. Being pampered by Swedish people in bathrobes.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying, farting, gaining weight, being laid off.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With Perfect Husband’s family on Christmas Eve and with my family Christmas Day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes. Having a new baby is remarkably like falling in romantic love. I’ve never been a love at first sight kind of person, and I didn’t love Babby at first sight, although I did feel protective of him and responsible for him. But every day I fall a little deeper in love with this tiny person who lights up my life with every smile he tosses my way.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Glee and Canada’s Worst Driver.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. Hate is not  something I spend much time indulging in. There are people I am angry with, but I don’t hate them.

24. What was the best book you read?

That’s tough because I mostly just re-read the same books over and over again. So I could tell you that I read To Kill a Mockingbird or Where The Heart Is, or The Golden Compass or The Princess Bride, and any of these would be a good answer. But they aren’t NEW books for me, so I feel that those answers would be cheating. Hmm. Nothing really stands out from the new stuff…

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I haven’t really had any.

26. What did you want and get?

A healthy child. My mother’s help in the early weeks of Babby’s life. A gliding rocker.

27. What did you want and not get?

A million dollars. A pony. Baseboards. Creative genius. A lightweight vacuum cleaner. A quick and easy labour. An easy baby.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm… I loved Despicable Me and Megamind. Toy Story 3 was cute. How to Train Your Dragon was cute. But the best quality movie I saw was probably The Social Network. And yet, it wouldn’t be one I would re-watch again and again. Haven’t seen Harry Potter yet so I can’t complain about it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 28 on the 28th, my champagne birthday, and I couldn’t even drink champagne! I had Perfect Husband throw a bash with all my friends, but it was a slightly awkward affair since I had different groups of friends in one room and some people just didn’t show up so things were kind of lopsided on one end. And I couldn’t ease the awkwardness with alcohol.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being promoted instead of laid off.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Value village maternity wear.

32. What kept you sane?

Perfect Husband. This blog. My CBT courses. Wellbutrin. Giving birth (oddly – most people get crazier when they have the baby, but I was crazier before I had the baby).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

…I don’t fancy celebrity figures. I scorn them, for the most part.

Oh, wait, I lied. The Old Spice man, of course.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Probably the universal health care thing in the States. I can’t understand what the problem is down there. So many people are afraid that it will wreck their nation, even though every other first world country has a social healthcare system… don’t get me started. I’ll just say this: My prenatal care didn’t cost me anything. My birth didn’t cost me anything. My hospital stay only cost a bit because I chose to stay in a private room (because it was 80% covered by PH’s work benefits), otherwise it would have been free, too. I have seen a psychiatrist multiple times and been through two therapy courses. None of them cost me anything. My son has seen the family doctor multiple times and the pediatrician. Didn’t cost anything.

I like that.

35. Who did you miss?

My friends and family back East.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I don’t meet new people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

People will do bad things, and will get away with bad things, and there’s only so much you can do about it. Sometimes the sanest thing you can do is accept that justice will not be done, and move on.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don’t you like me?
Why don’t you like me?
Why don’t you walk out the door!

Getting angry doesn’t solve anything

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink
Why don’t you like me
Why don’t you like me
Why don’t you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?”

-Grace Kelly by Mika

Also

“With life just begun, my sleeping new son
has eyes that roll back in his head
They flutter and dart, he slows down his heart
and pictures a world past his bed
It’s hard to believe
As I watch you breathe
Your mind drifts and weaves

When you dream,
what do you dream about?” – When You Dream by Barenaked Ladies

Time marches on

Tags

2000, 2010, decades, life, new year

I apologize for my long silence. It has taken me a while to get back into the swing of things. I have a lot to post about, but almost too much – just thinking about all the posts I wanted to make made me feel tired and I avoided doing anything as a consequence.

I realize that round numbers are just as arbitrary as any other numbers are. For example, 7:00 pm is just as precise as 6:57 pm. In the same vein, 2010 should not be any more symbolic a number than, say, 2007. But that’s not how people work. While 2009 didn’t send me to reflecting on 1999, or 1989, 2010 made me reflect on year 2000.

Ten years.

A decade.

In 2000, I was almost done high school. My childhood was at an end and I was looking forward to my adulthood with trepidation. I was afraid of independence, afraid of leaving my past behind, afraid that my life would not be happy. I didn’t know then how much I would love going to university, or that I would discover that I could feed myself, go to class, do my homework, make new friends, and become my own person. I would even meet my first boyfriend.

I celebrated year 2000 with my beloved parents, who took me to Halifax for the big celebration. They offered to take my friends, too, and to pay for our own hotel room so we could ring in the new year in true decadence and stay up giggling all night long. My friends declined the offer, afraid they might miss an even better celebration back home. A decade later I rang in the new year with my husband, who I was to meet in 2001,  a close friend who I did meet in 2000, and her spouse. It was a tiny celebration. I was jet lagged and didn’t even drink. But there was closeness and quietness, a contrast from the raucous 2000 Y2K bash.

In the ten years spanning those two New Years celebrations, I have gotten a high school diploma, a Bachelor of Science, a diploma in Veterinary Technology, and held several full time jobs.

I have achieved my dream of becoming a professional dog trainer, and lived through the hell of being a telemarketer.

I have been through three bouts of depression.

I have gained twenty five pounds, lost it again, regained it, and added another 15 pounds on top of it.

I have had my first kiss, my first break up, my first serious relationship.

I have lost my virginity, both regular and Rocky Horror.

I have lived in New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Ontario, and British Columbia. I have lived in eleven different places, not counting my parent’s house.

I have adopted my dog, and my cat.

I have risked everything to find happiness and won the gamble.

I have dated and married my best friend.

I have been given a car.

I have driven across the country in it, with my best friend and lover.

I have found my dream job.

I have bought a house.

And now, I sense, everything is about to change again. The last ten years have brought me terrible tears and impossible joys. In a way, 2010 was my happy ending.

…But happy ever afters don’t last. My story isn’t over, and I sense that the sequel is about to begin.