The 2nd Labour Story Part III: In Which I Bond Very Quickly With A Doughnut. Yes, An Actual Doughnut.

Tags

birth, bonding, doughnuts, gestational diabetes, hospital, new baby, newborn, second baby, tim hortons

A lot of women talk about that magic moment when they see their baby for the first time. I have a theory about it.

You see, I didn’t have that magic fall-in-love feeling when I first saw Owl. I was just like, “hey, look, a baby.”

Some people claim that a heavily medicated birth, such as Owl’s, interferes with natural bonding hormones and prevent that awesome gush of love that some mothers feel on the birth of their child.

But I don’t think that’s it.

You see, I have friends who have felt that rush of love despite an incredibly traumatic/heavy intervention birth, and I know people who didn’t feel it despite a completely natural birth.

Here’s my theory:

It has nothing to do with the kind of birth.

It has to do with the kind of person you are.

I believe that if you are the sort of person who believes in or has experienced love-at-first-sight (in the romantic sense), you will be the kind of person who experiences love-at-first-sight on the birth of their child.

On the other hand, if you are a more practical, slow-to-warm-up kind of person, like me, you’re less likely to fall head over heels in love the moment a squalling newborn is dumped on you.

It’s a shame, because I would love to have that rush of mother love.

Still, when I watch videos about natural birth, people always talk about that rush of endorphins that comes with it, and it made me wonder if maybe that really would help. Maybe my theory is wrong.

So when I was told that I wouldn’t be getting an epidural, the part of my brain that was still ME and separate from my body was actually pleased because this way I might get to experience the big endorphin rush.

Yeah, I didn’t feel any kind of rush when I was giving birth.

I don’t know if I ever have endorphin rushes. Maybe I don’t have endorphins. Maybe there were endorphins but I didn’t notice them. Maybe if there weren’t I would have hurt even more. I don’t know. But I definitely felt no elation, no rush. Just some anxiety because I still hadn’t seen my baby.

Finally they brought her over to me and laid her on my chest.

NOW they listen

Tags

antidepressant, depression, hospital, Perfect Husband, suicidal, work

Well, I just got back from the hospital…

Okay, that’s not really true. It’s just a nod at Hannah from Me And My Shadows and her foresightful comment on my last post. I actually got discharged around noon.

I went home Tuesday night completely crackers and was all liek “NO ONE LIKES ME AND I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON AND WHY SHOULD I LIVE WHEN YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO LIKES ME…

YOU HATE ME TOO, DON’T YOU? DON’T YOU?”

Perfect Husband’s response was to calmly stroke my hair while I went on for a while, and then just as calmly to tell me to stay put while he put the dogs away, and then usher me into the car and take me to the emergency room.

“My wife is expressing suicidal thoughts and some mild paranoid delusions,” he said to the triage nurse man. A barrage of questions followed, which I would ultimately repeat the answers to when asked the same things by the admittance nurse, the ER doctor, the admittance nurse at the other hospital the next day, and finally to two psychiatrists.

The first hospital didn’t have a psychiatric unit, you see, so the ER doctor referred me to the next hospital over. I spoke to two psychiatrists there the next day, and they concluded the following things:

a) I have depression (I tried  to nod and look solemn and concerned about this information, rather than to say “no shit, Sherlock.”)

b) I need a new GP (this, I also knew)

c) I need antidepressants (okay)

d) Wellbutrin is my best bet, since they aren’t likely to increase my anxieties the way SSRIs might (I pretended that I had never heard of this drug and asked several questions about its safety. I was worried that if I said “That’s what I was hoping for!” they would lock me up for drug seeking or some nonsense)

e) I should have follow up with psychiatrists, and they are referring me to the mental health clinic that originally said that they couldn’t help me

So, while the doctor thing is far from solved, at least people know about my doctor problem. They told me that worst case scenario, I can keep going to the same walk-in clinic, so that at least my chart is being kept in one place. They gave me two weeks worth of the antidepressants, warned me that I should have close follow up, and promised the mental health centre would call.

Perfect Husband has vetoed my returning to work (my major stressor) for the rest of the week, and my coworker friend agrees that I need this time to recuperate.

My eyes are deep set and black, and feel puffy when I press on them. I feel tired and weak, as though I had been through physical distress.

But I think this is going to be the turning point.