1 day old
0. Born, squall, learn to move my own body parts.
1. Learn to walk and talk and swim. Realize that the reflection in the sliding glass door is actually how other people see me.
2. Get toilet trained by a visiting aunt. Now, whenever I use the potty I say, “Auntie Helen happy?”
3. Learn to read, which means that I no longer have to pretend to read magazines which fooled no one anyway because I often held them upside down.
4. Attend pre-school. Learn that when someone asks you “how are you, today?” you aren’t actually supposed to respond honestly – just say “fine, thank you”. Learn through teacher’s example that guinea pigs should be fed foods fresh in vitamin C and not left out in the sun for prolonged periods of time.
5. Start kindergarten. When a family friend picks me up at school because my mother was in a car accident, I worry about the safety of my Popple who was in the back seat (said Popple turned up yesterday during a purge of Owl’s closet and I vetoed throwing it away). Come down with chicken pox that same night, because my mother’s day was clearly not difficult enough. Accidentally kill my goldfish, Fred and Frieda, when I fail to alert my mother that their cage is due to be cleaned.
6. Start as a “full day” instead of a “half day” student at my Montessori school. Develop a crush on a boy called Michael who has red hair and spits when he talks. Get a puppy.