The Cloud in the Silver Lining

Tags

anxiety, choice, employment, GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, jobs, life decisions, stress, worrying

I got the damn job.

To make it worse, the lady offering me the job is so NICE. She says that they are “excited to have me joining the team” and “looking forward to seeing me” and that she will arrange my schedule to be sure that I am out before my daycare closes.

Yes, that’s right, I’m COMPLAINING about how NICE she is.

“Carol always manages to find the cloud in the silver lining,” PH said over the phone to my mother today, which made her burst out laughing.

Let me walk you through my mind:

In order to determine how I feel about something NOW, I need to know how I will feel about it in the future. I’m afraid to be happy about something now if I think there may be a chance I might regret it later. So here are the future scenarios running through my mind:

Scenario A: Maybe I’ll love the people at this job, and won’t be offered the awesome charity job that would be perfect for me. I will be overworked from trying to work full time at my job PLUS the dog training business, and never see my family, but at least I will like my workplace.

Scenario B: Maybe I’ll love the people at this job, and will ALSO be offered the awesome charity job that would be perfect for me. Then I’ll have to choose between a full time job in a setting I don’t like but with awesome coworkers, and disappointing people who have been awesome to me and who I enjoy working with in order to pursue a more “ideal” job that may or may not pan out.

Scenario C: Maybe I’ll find myself in a similar situation to last time – feel incompetent, feel disliked, be generally unhappy. I won’t get the other job either, and I’ll just tough it out until the dog training business gets big enough that I can quit.

Scenario D: Maybe I will feel incompetant but then get the other job, and will leave feeling like a failure but at least I’d be going to a more “ideal” job.

Scenarios A and D are preferable, and I still dislike both of them.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m near tears most of the time. PH is alternately worried about me and frustrated as hell with my I’m-doomed attitude.

I can’t help it.

The future just… scares me. I have no idea if things are going to be okay.

I get a job if my “final mark” is good…

Tags

employment, jobs

Yesterday was the strangest “interview” I ever attended.

To be fair, I knew going in that it was not an interview so much as some kind of group testing. I figured it would be one of those fill-in-the-bubble tests with questions like “have you ever told a lie?” and then if you answer “no” they know that you are a liar.

The night before I wondered aloud if I should be boning up on basic animal care stuff, since the “test” was for a position working in an animal shelter (for HELLER good pay – 22 bucks an hour!). But everyone poo-poohed that, saying it would be standard pre-screening psychology stuff.

So I was a little surprised at what I actually got.

They led me into a room filled with desks and women. Each of us had our own desk, and were provided with a pencil, a pen, and an eraser. We were told that extra paper was available if we needed it.

Then they told us that the “exam” was an hour and a half long, and that the required mark to pass was 65%. They said that those who passed would move on to the interview stage, and that the interview would count towards 60% of of our “final mark”, with the “exam” making up the other 40%.

Is this a job application, or a class??

Anyway, I didn’t really care. I’m good at test writing and the questions were fairly simple, although of course I am only guessing at what answers they are looking for. I have always tailored my answers to my professor, knowing the prof’s little quirks and odd opinions. This was completely blind, though.

For all I know, when they asked me for the symptoms of kennel cough, they were looking for an answer of “purple and green spots, a hoarse singing voice, and a tendency to dress in rubber bondage wear.”

On the other hand, considering that this job ad didn’t require any specific education (like my tech diploma) I bet they did weed a lot of people out. But surely more specific credential requirements would have done the same thing?

Daycare? I call it SCAREcare.

Tags

anxiety, babies, child care, daycare, employment, GAD, jobs

My anxiety levels are through the roof.

I had a lot of anxiety while on vacation and I’m still having it now that I’m back. I don’t know if it’s generally because I’m coming to the end of my maternity leave or what, but today it is DEFINITELY because I’m coming to the end of my mat leave.

I started calling daycares today.

I’ve been putting this off for forever because I just HATE the fact that I even have to put him in daycare at all. In my mind, the person I am leaving him with is immensely fat, sits on a couch all day smoking like a chimney, and hollers,

“Shuttup, I’m watching my STORIES!”

All while my baby crawls around at her feet, sobbing, with his feet entwined by loose electrical cables.

I know what I want to a certain extent:

• I want a home-based, licensed facility. I don’t want a big centre because a) they are more expensive and b) Psychologists are actually concerned about disruption to attachments in babies attending those facilities. They’re fine for bigger kids, but for babies they’re a little too impersonal – too much staff turnover, too different from home etc. On the other hand, a kid DIED in an unlicensed facility just down the road from me and now there is a police investigation.

• I want a caretaker that I can trust and who can serve as Babby’s other attachment figure, the way a grandmother or an aunt would in a simpler society.

• I want someone who is flexible, because I may have to drop Babby off or pick Babby up before/after the traditional 7-5, depending on my work schedule (most vet clinic shifts are either 7 am-2pm or 2pm-8pm). Not to mention that I have no idea what days I’ll be working, or where I’ll be working.

• I want someone who is relatively nearby, since I have no idea what direction I’ll be working in.

This last one seems to be what concerns the daycare ladies the most. One lady, when I asked if she had any spaces for September, snapped,

“Where do you live?”

I described my general location.

“You’re too far from me. I’m in [she named another city that I live on the border of]. I know a daycare closer to you that has a space.” She gave me the contact info and rung off.

Another lady was more laid back about it.

“I’m quite a drive from you, but if you don’t mind travelling…” According to her address, she was only about 10 minutes away.

My initial search for licensed daycares consisted of a 5 km span around my postal code. I’m beginning to realize that this search was too broad, but I don’t know how to narrow it down. The government website that gave me the list seems to have inexplicably quit working.

I have two appointments on Monday to meet with potential daycare providers – both Persian, judging by their names, and both “quite a drive” from me, according to them – but I looked them up on the Fraser Health website and both of them have repeated violations under the inspection list. I don’t know how normal that is.

So, to sum up:

• I don’t know where I’m going to be working
• I don’t know what my hours will be
• I don’t know how to narrow down my 11 page list of potential daycare providers, given that many of them will consider themselves prohibitively far from me
• I don’t know if I will find someone I like
• I don’t know if I will find someone who likes me (somehow the “I don’t know what days/hours I need, I use cloth diapers, and sign language with my baby” spiel may not sell me all that well).
• I don’t know if they will be trustworthy with my baby.
• I feel pressured to make a decision quite quickly lest I lose a space, but am afraid of making  a decision TOO quickly and settling with someone I’m not comfortable with.
• I don’t flipping even want to go back to work at all. I want to stay with my baby.

Help.

"Oh boy, Mommy's going to leave me with a neglectful weirdo!"

Breastfeeding = Incompetent?

Tags

breastfeeding, employment, jobs, motherhood, prejudice, research

This article really surprised me, but I suppose it shouldn’t:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/110415104546.htm

According to this American research study, people perceive breastfeeding mothers as being less competent than other people. They are less likely to hire someone whom they know happens to be a breastfeeding mother.

What’s more, this bias was equally distributed between men and women – which means that other women are also less likely to hire a breastfeeding mother.

Mental note: don’t mention breastfeeding during job interviews.

Where do you suppose this prejudice spring from?