All About Tantrums – A Holistic View of Tantrums At All Ages

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adults, All About Tantrums, attachment parenting, babies, books, child development, crying, discipline, emotions, independence, Karyn Van Der Zwet, older children, parenting, reviews, tantrums, teenagers, toddlers

Karyn Van Der Zwet, who you will see on my blog roll as Kloppenmum, came out with a new book recently, and she kindly sent me a copy to review.

All About Tantrums is probably the only book out there that really is ALL about Tantrums. If you Google books on tantrums you will come up with a lot of books about TODDLER tantrums.

But Karyn’s book isn’t age specific.

In fact, it gives multiple levels of advice based on the age of the tantrumming person, from 9 months old to teenagers to YOUR AGE. That’s right – her book has sections dedicated to ADULT tantrums as well, and what to do when you have one.

What Karyn does is break down the word “tantrum” into (I counted them) 15 tantrums with 35 sub-categorized tantrum types. And she not only describes what each one looks like and how to tell one from the other, but how to deal with each and every kind.

It sounds like a lot of information, but it’s actually insanely helpful, because I’m betting that every kid doesn’t throw every kind of tantrum. Chances your kid only throws tantrums over a couple of things on the list. And when you realize that you’ve been following generic advice which would work great for, say, an Intentional Tantrum (subtype Entitlement Tantrum), but that your kid is actually throwing a Brain Pain Tantrum (sub type Has To Be Done Tantrum), you realize you’ve been handling it all wrong.

Even if your kid doesn’t throw tantrums, it’s a great explanation of why kids do the things they do.

Completely Unexciting Pregnancy Update

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babies, first trimester, morning sickness, pregnancy

This is the worst part of pregnancy.

Worse than the third trimester, sweating, swollen, 8 pound bag of snakes under your ribs part of pregnancy.

This.

It is the worst.

Reasons:

1. Boring.

You don’t look pregnant, and you aren’t supposed to yammer about it to everyone you meet, but you walk around thinking “ARGHSDFHDUSI I’M PREGNANT.”

Meanwhile, your baby isn’t doing cute and interesting things like developing ears, sucking its thumb and peeing inside you.

Instead, it’s a tiny little non-cute seamonkey the size of a blueberry who doesn’t even have EYES yet. An EYELESS, non-cute seamonkey that is lucky if it even has a heartbeat yet.

And every time a pregnancy book compares my baby to a fruit I get an uncomfortable mental image of popping it in my mouth.

Anyway, it’s certainly far too early to get excited and start buying tiny pieces of clothing. It doesn’t even feel real yet.

2. Morning sickness.

I thought I might escape it this time, because for the first couple weeks I felt fine and I was like “HA, THEY WERE RIGHT, EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT!” but now it’s starting, and that means the weight gain has started.

That’s right. Weight gain. Because when I have morning sickness, the only thing that staves it off is snacking on easy-to-digest, salty, starchy things like… pretzels. Which means I end up eating half a bag of pretzels and subsequently gain weight. I was totally NOT gaining weight until the nausea started and now I’ve already gained 2 pounds.

And then there’s the world of regret that I live in when I decide, to, say, eat fish and chips for lunch and then spend the next 12 hours feeling like I have the flu, having that restless sleep where you keep dozing off then waking up nauseous.

And then, you can’t call in sick because there’s no point because this “flu” is going to last for MONTHS AND MONTHS.

3. Gratitude.

And as boring and nauseating as the whole thing is, you feel like a jerk if you complain, because you’re in the could-end-in-a-miscarriage-any-second part of pregnancy, the part of pregnancy that is so iffy that people don’t even like to tell other people that they are pregnant in case they have to have the awkward “yeah, I’m not, any more, actually…” conversation with people.

I had a night of severe cramping and it scared the crap out of me. I kept checking my underwear for spotting. I wrapped a magic bag around my middle and hoped for the best, and it passed, and the morning sickness arrived.

And I was grateful. To be nauseous.

Seriously, the worst part of pregnancy.

I EAT IT (Or, My Toddler’s Romance With Food)

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babies, eating habits, food, play, sharing, toddlers, toys

When I was pregnant, I worried a lot about how my eating habits might affect the baby. 

I have some… food issues.

I didn’t want Owl to be another carb addict like me. 

On the bright side, he isn’t showing signs of having my obsession with potatoes and rice and pasta, but that’s only because it is eclipsed by his general obsession with all things that are edible.

He’s an equal opportunist feeder, who gobbles everything that slows down in front of him. He has been like this since he was born, considering that he was permanently attached to my booba for the first year and a half of his life, and that there are basically no foods that he will refuse to eat.

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He eats like a hobbit.

Proof That Society Is Getting Dumber

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babies, dumb products, goods, shopping, stupid, toddlers

That’s right. Now we can buy wash cloths that are WATER ACTIVATED. Just add water and you can clean your child!!

Pictogram instructions on the back for those of us who are too simple to grasp the concept immediately or, for that matter, read.

Happy Black Friday to my American friends. Are you thankful that we live in a society that can provide such amazing products?

Sleeping Baby? Does Not Compute

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babies, colic, crying, parenting

When your experience of parenthood was one of constant screaming and struggle, sometimes the experiences of other parents can be a little baffling.

Me: “I went to see Pug Mama last night. Her new baby was awake and not crying.”

PH: “I don’t understand. Is that possible?”

Me: “And then I held her for a while and she just fell asleep.”

PH: “That sentence doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Wait, it gets better – then, I put her down, and she didn’t wake up.”

PH: “YOU’RE SPEAKING GIBBERISH.”

Me: “And then, and then, when she DID wake up, she just opened her eyes and started watching the boys play. She didn’t cry or anything.”

PH: “I know you think you’re speaking normally, but your words are garbled and nonsensical. Do you have aphasia?”

Life’s Little Losses

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babies, balloons, death, goodbye, loss, parenting, toddlers

For the last couple of months, Owl has really latched onto the concept of “broken”. He attaches the term to anything that is not as it should be in his little toddler eyes. He announces it in a shrill little voice, preceded by a worried “uh oh!”

Shoelace untied?

“Uh oh, BROKEN!!”

Blanket came off in the night?

“Uh oh, BROKEN!!”

Toy train track got disconnected?

“Uh oh, BROKEN!!”

So then, the other day, he started playing with the balloon that he brought home from The Hair Cut Incident, batting it around the room. Beloved Dog began batting it around, too, which Owl thought was just hilarious. I watched them playing keep-it-up together, warning off the dog when he got over enthusiastic.

Eventually the inevitable happened – The dog’s paw hit it too hard and…

POP!

The balloon disappeared, leaving a few shattered fragments of blue latex in its wake.

“Uh oh, BROKEN!”

Owl ran over and picked it up.

“Oh, honey,” I said, “it popped. Balloon’s all gone now.”

“No, fix! Mama fix!”

“You can’t fix a balloon once it’s broken,” I explained gently, as he clutched the limp  bits of balloon. I pried the balloon from his fingers. “It’s garbage now. I’ll go throw it away.”

“No!! Broken! Mama fix it! ME FIX IT!”

I relented and let him reclaim his bits of balloon, and he spent a good two minutes desperately putting them to his lips one by one and making puffing air noises, as he tried to breathe life into them the way he has seen me do with balloons in the past.

“That won’t work, honey,” I said, “once balloons are broken they can’t be fixed.”

Eventually, wiping tears from his face, he consented to my throwing away his balloon. I felt like I should be holding a funeral service.

“Bye, balloon.”

“Bye, bye, bayoon.”

I think we have some leftover balloons from the birthday party around somewhere. I should blow another one up for him. It’s good to move on.

A Moment In The Life Of An Almost-Two Year Old

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babies, humor, parenthood, toddlers

Me: “Owl, I have to use the potty. Do you want to come upstairs with me, or stay here and play with your cars?”

Owl: “Play with cars!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be back in a minute”.

Just as I flush the toilet, I hear an outburst of wailing from downstairs. I rush down expecting to find him hurt. He is waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, still wailing miserably.

Me: “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Owl: “No…”

Me: “What happened?”

Owl: “THIS happened!”

He gestures dramatically to his pyjamas, and as I approach I see that an epic sneeze has sent a long string of snot across his face and all down his pyjamas, right down to his navel. 

I got him a Kleenex and peace was restored.

I wonder what it’s like to be so helpless you can’t even reach the Kleenex when you need it.

My Son Is A Fruit

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babies, humor, parenting, toddlers

Parents like to think their kids are smart.

Then we have moments like this, which bring it all crashing down:

Owl *pointing at self*: “BABY!”

Me: “Yes, right now you’re a baby, but in a couple of weeks you’re going to be a little…”

Owl: “….BOY!”

Me: “That’s right! Because you’re going to be…”

*I hold out two fingers and smile knowingly at him*

Owl: “…APPLE!”

Gearing Up For Age Two

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23 month old, babies, child development, growing up, parenting, toddlers, turning two, weaning

Owl will be 2 years old in ONE MONTH FROM TODAY.

Holy crappola.

I do NOT feel like two years have gone by. I mean, look how much he has grown and changed.

23 months ago he…

• Was extremely “vocal”
• Hated sleep with a fiery passion
• Got constant comments on his big eyes
• Was intensely demanding
• Nursed constantly
• Had all of his bowel and bladder movements in diapers

Now he…

• Is extremely vocal
• Hates sleep with a fiery passion
• Gets constant comments on his big eyes
• Is intensely demanding
• Nurses constantly
• has all of his bowel and bladder movements in diapers.

…Okay, so when I put it like that it doesn’t sound as impressive.

But let’s look at the nitty gritty a bit:

Totally Overthinking Child Spacing BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DO

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babies, child spacing, children, family, pregnancy

I’ve always planned a rather large space between children.

I was an only child, and that means that I am entirely unused to the sibling dynamic. The rivalry, the fighting, the chaos were all absent from my childhood. It was just me and my parents. Often it was just me, hanging out in my room.

A wider spacing between kids would give me the chance to focus on each child with the kind of intensity that I enjoyed from my parents as a small child, while still giving my children siblings to share family memories with.

I figured about three years would be about right, but I wasn’t too picky. When Perfect Husband said a couple of months ago that we would have to wait until Owl was in school before we could afford a second, I just laughed. Five years seemed extreme, but if necessary, so be it.

PH has begun to change his tune.

As previously mentioned, Owl is an extrovert TO THE MAX.

Our week in Vegas really made clear to us how much of our time is spend in simply trying to entertain Owl. Taking him places kept him busy, but any time spent in our hotel room was time spent wrangling a pent-up extrovert.

Then, by contrast, our time in Wisconsin involved lots of people to deal with Owl. He especially adored his 12 year old cousin who came down for the reunion as well. He demanded her by name constantly, and we found blessed relief when she was around.

“Take out your IUD,” PH told me.

I think he was only half serious, but we are becoming more and more aware of the possible benefits of having a second child as a potential playmate (and, yes, squabble-mate) for Owl.

We also have begun to do the math.

Owl is not even two, so we have always felt like we have plenty of time. Turns out, it takes 9 months to make a baby.

“Even if you got pregnant right now,” PH pointed out, “there would be two and a half years between them. If we wait much longer it will be three years, and then three and a half.”

How big of an age gap would be too much? If we want a sibling that Owl can play with, and not just share memories with as an adult, we may be fast approaching a pregnancy deadline.

There is another thing that we are beginning to take into account, too. While we were away, we found ourselves really looking forward to when he is old enough to enjoy bigger-kid things. Rollercoasters and the Nuclear Testing Museum – the kinds of stuff that we like to do in Vegas. And we realized that we wouldn’t just have to wait until he is old enough – we have to wait until his younger sibling is old enough.

My mind has been whizzing with numbers.

If we had a baby when Owl is three, he would be four when the baby was one. They wouldn’t be able to play. The baby would be two when he was five. They could start to play. The baby would be three when he was six. They could probably play. The baby would be four when Owl was seven. They could almost definitely play.

If we had a baby when Owl is four, he would be five when the baby was one,  six when the baby was two, seven when the baby was three, eight when the baby is four…

It might be too much.

We’re beginning to think that instead of three being the minimum age gap, three may be the MAXIMUM gap.
The problem is, I don’t feel ready for another baby yet.

I always thought I would just wait until the baby urge came back. Perfect Husband only wants two kids, so if I pop out a second and then get the urge after that, well, I’m out of luck. My next kid is my last chance.

So I’ve been keeping that second future kid like an ace up my sleeve. When the baby urge came back, well, I could bring out the “time for a second!” card. Why condense the baby years, when I could enjoy them consecutively, instead?

I haven’t felt the baby urge yet. In fact, when I think about having a second one at this point I start panicking with thoughts like “OMG no one will ever baby sit for us ever again” and “what if Owl pinches the baby on purpose just to hear it scream??”

But if we change our goal from “let’s wait until we actually want another” to “let’s get someone Owl will actually be able to play with”, I may have to take the plunge early.

And soon, apparently.

The problem is further complicated by my nitpickiness.

Complication #1:

I have always had this dreamy image of being pregnant over Christmas: My family crowded around the tree, bringing me presents of baby clothes that I spread over my belly while Nat King Cole sings in the background. Christmas fills me with a deep peace and it makes me think more about birth and family than any other time of year.

I was technically pregnant over Christmas last time, but since I didn’t know it yet, I don’t think that counts.

If I want to be noticeably pregnant over a Christmas season, I would have to get pregnant either RIGHT THIS INSTANT or in spring/early summer next year.

Well, considering that I have an IUD and don’t really feel ready for pregnancy, not to mention that I don’t have a “pregnant” switch that I can just flip to ON, right this instant is clearly not happening. But if I wait until spring/early next summer before getting pregnant, Owl would be three and a half by the time the baby is born, and that may be too large a gap.

Complication #2:

I don’t want to do the ready-to-give-birth in August thing again. I don’t know if you remember, but I had the cankles of doom and was sweating peculiar slime last time.

Nor do I want a Christmas baby, because Birthmas gifts suck and I wouldn’t wish that on a child.

That leaves a time frame of getting pregnant in May-August, which again leaves me either getting pregnant RIGHT THIS INSTANT or waiting until next spring/early summer. Which, again, might be waiting too long.

Complication # 3:

I feel obliged to give my boss at least a year of work before I become knocked up.

I hate to tell someone who just hired me a few months ago, who just told me that she considers me one of her “senior techs” and who wants me to take an “active role” mentoring the newbies that I will be leaving in 9 months. I figured I wouldn’t be getting pregnant until after next February. But maybe I should be rushing things…

Complication #4

I DON’T HAVE A PREGNANCY SWITCH.

It’s all very well to over think this to the skies, but as The Farm Fairy pointed out to me today, nothing ever goes as planned.

Even if I decided I did want to get pregnant RIGHT THIS INSTANT, chances are excellent that I wouldn’t.

Ditto goes for waiting until early spring/late summer next year. An age gap of three and a half might be pushing it. If I don’t get knocked up with gusto, we could end up with that four year age gap which we no longer want.

…Which means that we should probably begin trying a bit earlier, since a smaller age gap is a better outcome than an earlier age gap.

…Which means that we should probably file Complication 1 and Complication 2  under the category of “Suck It Up, Princess.”

Tell me, honestly – what age gap do you think is too big? How long can I put this off?