• Meet Me
    • Why If By Yes?
  • Meet Perfect Husband
  • Meet The Babbies

If By Yes

~ the musings of a left wing left hander with two left feet

If By Yes

Tag Archives: anger

Confessions of a Terrible Mother

02 Monday May 2016

Posted by IfByYes in From The Owlery, Life and Love, Me vs The Sad

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

anger, breakdowns, five year old, parenting, stress

Dear Owl,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am not the mother you deserve. I’m sorry that I’m not the mother I thought I would be, or that I think I could be, if maybe things were a little different.

I’m sorry that when I’m stressed, I revert to old patterns probably set in my childhood – I talk to you as if you are an adult. I treat you as if you an adult – a belligerent, unreasonable, whiny little adult.

You are not an adult, you are a child. But when I am stressed, I don’t see you that way.

And so, today happened:

Continue reading →

MAD

15 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by IfByYes in How is Babby Formed?, Life and Love

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

anger, grief, miscarriage

I don’t handle disappointment well.

Never have. I get mad. I want things undone.

I think Owl gets this from me.

He wants to do everything by himself, and if we thoughtlessly pick him up to hurry him, or don’t put him down immediately when he asks, he freaks out and tries to retrace his steps.

He isn’t satisfied with simply doing the rest by himself; he has has to undo what has already been done. He has to take the socks back OFF, or go back to the bottom of the stairs and start again, or run back to where I was standing when he first asked to get put down. If we don’t let him, he has a meltdown.

Sometimes we let him redo things. Other times we let him melt down. It really depends on whether it was our own thoughtlessness or his stubbornness that resulted in our rushing him to begin with.

Well, I wish I could have a meltdown of my own.

I hate the first trimester, and I’m pissed that I did 10 weeks of it for nothing.

I am PISSED that I have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN if I want to have a baby.

I am PISSED that I have lost TWO MONTHS that I can’t get back.

Even if I conceived a bare two weeks after my D&C – and they recommended we wait a month before trying – we couldn’t possibly have a baby until the end of February. More likely it’ll be March, April, May… a whole frigging year. By then Owl will be three and a half, way bigger than the spacing we were hoping for.

And that makes me MAD.

I am MAD that I lost those months.

I am MAD that the soonest we could possibly have a baby is much later than we wanted.

I am MAD that I can’t go back in time and try again.

I am MAD that I no longer have a maternity leave to look forward to – that I will be working until some time in the nebulous future, as opposed to a set time in December.

I am MAD that I was expecting a baby born in the year of the Snake, but now will be having a child born in the year of the Horse. Not because I actually believe in Chinese horoscopes but because I HATE CHANGES IN PLANS.

I am MAD because I was slightly hoping for an Aquarius baby, because I’m an Aquarius, and was slightly disappointed to be getting a Sagittarius instead and now, thanks to the timing of the miscarriage, I STILL won’t be able to get an Aquarius baby. Not because I believe in astrology but because I WOULD LIKE A BABY FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

I am MAD that I don’t know when I will bring home a sibling for Owl.

I am MAD that I won’t be bringing a newborn home to meet the family as planned at Christmas.

I am MAD that no one will ever wear the little Christmas pyjamas I bought (and a little afraid that someone will because it will take us a whole year to get pregnant again).

I am MAD that the baby will likely be walking and talking before PH’s family gets to see it, because we can only afford to go home every second Christmas or so.

We promised them a newborn for Christmas, and they aren’t getting one.

We promised OURSELVES a newborn for Christmas, and we aren’t getting one.

And there’s nothing I can do to change that.

I can’t retrace my steps and do it over. That’s gone, lost.

And I’m MAD.

Syndicated on BlogHer

I was syndicated on BlogHer.com

NaNoWriMo!

Contact Me

ifbyyes AT gmail DOT com

Subscribe Using That RSS Thing

RSS Feed RSS - Posts

RSS Feed RSS - Comments

“Facebook” Me (it’s a verb now, apparently)

“Facebook” Me (it’s a verb now, apparently)

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 318 other subscribers

I’m a Twit!

  • I Don’t Think I Mean What You Think I Mean ifbyyes.wordpress.com/2018/10/08/i-d… 4 years ago
  • The Cliff ifbyyes.wordpress.com/2018/09/01/the… https://t.co/0Xn1FFKHrF 4 years ago
  • RT @lynchauthor: AAAAAH that's so amazing thank you! Can I cross post this to my tumblr? twitter.com/Kefka73/status… 4 years ago

This Month, On A Very Special “If By Yes”…

February 2023
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728  
« Oct    

Most Popular

  • Poor Ron: In Which Everyone Completely Underestimates Ron Weasley, Even His Creator (Part 1)
    Poor Ron: In Which Everyone Completely Underestimates Ron Weasley, Even His Creator (Part 1)
  • Blog Tag: In Which I Answer Questions And Posit My Own
    Blog Tag: In Which I Answer Questions And Posit My Own
  • Show Your Breasts For Amanda Todd, Or, In Which I Finally Deal With Amanda Todd's Death
    Show Your Breasts For Amanda Todd, Or, In Which I Finally Deal With Amanda Todd's Death
  • Rowling vs Meyer, Round 4 -  How Can I Describe Meyer's Writing?
    Rowling vs Meyer, Round 4 - How Can I Describe Meyer's Writing?
  • The Cancer Principle: Depression is Okay, Abuse Is Not
    The Cancer Principle: Depression is Okay, Abuse Is Not
  • Be It Ever So Humble
    Be It Ever So Humble
  • Why We Don't Want Our Son To Think He's Smart.
    Why We Don't Want Our Son To Think He's Smart.
  • Poor Ron, Part 2: In Which I Explain That Ron Is Perfect For Hermione
    Poor Ron, Part 2: In Which I Explain That Ron Is Perfect For Hermione
  • In Which We Attend The Quidditch Global Games 2014 and are Blown Away by Awesomeness
    In Which We Attend The Quidditch Global Games 2014 and are Blown Away by Awesomeness
  • I Don't Think I Mean What You Think I Mean
    I Don't Think I Mean What You Think I Mean

Look Through The Vault

By Category

  • Autism (1)
  • Belly Battles (20)
  • Damn Dogs (35)
  • Early Writings By A Child Genius (9)
  • East, West, Home is Best (42)
  • I'm Sure This Happens To Everyone… (122)
  • Life and Love (635)
    • 30 Posts To 30 (24)
    • Fritter Away (11)
    • From The Owlery (89)
    • How is Babby Formed? (227)
    • Me vs The Sad (72)
    • The House Saga (27)
  • Life's Little Moments (59)
  • My Blag is on the Interwebs (91)
    • Memes (15)
  • Perfect Husband (87)
  • Pointless Posts (73)
  • Polls (6)
  • Shhh, I'm Reading (55)
    • TwiBashing (21)
  • Uncategorized (2)
  • Vids and Vlogs (22)
  • We Are Family (30)
  • Well (1)
  • Well, That's Just Stupid (83)
    • Oh The Inanity (15)

Blogroll

  • A Little Pregnant
  • Also Known As The Wife
  • Are You Sure This Is A Good Idea?
  • Bub and Pie
  • Built In Birth Control
  • Clicker Training, Mother F***er!
  • Daycare Daze
  • Don't Mind The Mess
  • Dooce
  • Emotional Umbrella
  • Fail Blog
  • Held Back By My Spanx
  • Hodgepodge and Strawberries
  • Ken and Dot's Allsorts
  • Kloppenmum
  • Light Green: Life As Activism
  • Magpie Musing
  • Mommy By Day
  • Mr Chicken and the Ninja Kitties
  • Not Always Right
  • Passive Aggressive Notes
  • Postcards From Oblivion
  • Reasoning With Vampires
  • Sweet Salty Kate
  • The Angus Diaries
  • The Domesticated Nerd Girl
  • The Problem With Young People Today Is…
  • The Salted Tomato
  • The Squeee
  • The Urban Cowgirl
  • Unable to Relate
  • Wings And Boots

You Can Has Blog Button!

If By Yes If By Yes

Member of:

For Women

BlogHer.com Logo

Follow my blog with bloglovin

If By Yes - Find me on Bloggers.com

Vote For Me!

Good Blogs - Vote me to the Front Page!

The Latest Talk

Charles on TuTu Cool For School
Mamma_Simona on I Don’t Think I Mean Wha…
Traxy on Fifty Shades of Oh, Holy F***,…
IfByYes on Fifty Shades of Oh, Holy F***,…
Laura H. on What I Would Like to Say to Je…

Pages

  • Meet Me
    • Why If By Yes?
  • Meet Perfect Husband
  • Meet The Babbies

  • Follow Following
    • If By Yes
    • Join 141 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • If By Yes
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar