It’s Canadian thanksgiving, so we cooked a turkey and were all thankful and stuff.
I’m thankful for a lot.
In fact, I think thankfulness has replaced other positive emotions, like joy or pleasure, in my life.
I’m thankful that my husband is still alive. I’m thankful for the fact that most days, lately, he has been able to help significantly around the house, cooking dinner and or doing laundry and such. Once or twice lately he has even extended signs of affection to me and I get extra thankful about things like that.
I’m thankful that my baby is alive and healthy and that I have bonded strongly with her. I’m thankful for her chubby little cheeks and her goofy chortle when I snorgle her. I’m thankful that my son is so bright and curious and so loving to his sister.
I’m thankful for my immense support network, for all the friends who helped me when things were in crisis, and that so many of my friends have kids Owl’s age.
I’m thankful that Owl loves school.
I’m thankful for the mountains and the incredible views that I get to enjoy every day taking Owl to school and back.
I’m so thankful for everything that I’m just bleeding out with it.
That’s right. I’m ungrateful about gratitude.
It’s odd. I’m not depressed. But I’m somehow… jaded. I feel like my sense of humor has deteriorated. I always used to be looking for the funny side of things.
Somehow I have lost that. You notice that I’m posting less? It’s because I have fewer funny stories. It can’t be that less funny stuff is happening. I’m just not seeing the humor.
When Owl tries to dick around with his general five year old silliness, I’m more likely to shut him down than join in. When I try to make jokes it feels forced and stupid. I’m like a cranky old lady.
I don’t like it.
But I don’t know where my sense of humor has gone. I want to see the funny side of things again.
I think PH has noticed. He keeps telling me bad jokes. “What does a pirate octogenarian say?” “I’m eighty.”
But in the meantime, there is turkey. I love turkey dinner, it’s my favourite thing, and when I smell the good turkey dinner smells and listen to the sounds of music from our ipod playing in the kitchen, football whistles from the living room, and cuddle my snuggly six month old, and enjoy the peace that comes from Owl being invited out by a friend on a playdate, I feel content and very grateful.
So why do I still feel like there’s something wrong?
If By Yes 
You’ve been having a hard time and it’s not surprising you’re not full of humour and ebullience. Wishing I could extend some help and take some of those burdens off your shoulders. It will get better, I’m sure. ((((hugs))))
I totally understand that feeling of being crankier than you wish and not feeling excited about gratitude. Choosing to prioritise multiple stressful tasks/situations takes its toll. Go easy on yourself; self-talk does odd things to one’s psyche, I’ve found.
P.S. Adrenal fatigue?
It took me a long time to recognize my own depression partly because I was comparing it to the situations of people areound me who were experiencing major depression while mine was mild to moderate for the bulk of the time. Could this be the case for you? I’ve also found I am perhaps most profoundly aware of all my many blessings when I am doing the worst – partly because I try to remind myself of them to cheer myself up, partly because I use them all to berate myself for being selfish enough to be unhappy in spite of them or fixate on why I don’t deserve such luck or why no one should have sympathy for me when I am so spoiled by life, and partly out of anxiety that I could lose these things.
On the other hand, a lack of levity also sounds like a natural result of burnout from the year you’ve had. In any case, I wish you all the best in finding your way back to your old self.
It’s possible that I’m suffering from mild depression but I don’t *think* I am?
I’m sorry I have not posted in awhile, but this post touched my heart. Sometimes life just is, and it’s hard to deal with the fact that there aren’t a lot of peaks. But maybe what it’s supposed to be.
Nice to hear from you! You’re right. Life just IS.