Okay, so, clearly I don’t have anything in me any more.
I don’t mean no writing inside me. I have LOTS to write. But no energy to write with. Anxiety that makes me avoid even logging on. I’m not even keeping up on my favourite bloggers – so if I haven’t commented on your blog lately, I’m sorry. I’ll catch up some day.
Strange things are beginning to happen to me.
Twice in a couple days I discovered that something I REMEMBERED doing had not been done. The first couple times, they involved the computer system at work so it was easy to dismiss it as a glitch.
But then the other night, I went to make myself some lemon sparkling water. I pulled a new bottle of club soda from the cupboard, put some lemon juice in a glass and mixed up a drink, which I drank at dinner. Then I went for a refill.
The bottle sitting on the counter where I left it, but was still full, and the top was still sealed.
…So I must have put in the lemon water and added tap water from the sink to make my drink, even though I had JUST PULLED OUT a bottle of club soda. Then I drank the whole thing without noticing that it wasn’t fizzing.
But the kicker was last night. I put Beloved Dog out the front door for his evening pee and put his food in the microwave to warm up, part of my night time before-bed routine.
Later, reading in bed, I realized that I had NO MEMORY of having let him back in again and put down his food.
I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs, calling my dog’s name. No response. The front door was closed – normally I leave it open until Beloved Dog comes running back in, anxious for his dinner.
I yanked it open. Beloved Dog wasn’t on the door step. I looked in the microwave – there was his food.
How long had he been out there? An hour? He could be anywhere.
I ran upstairs, still holding the container of food, to throw on some clothes. PH stirred. He asked what I was doing and I told him what I had done.
“Beloved Dog’s in his crate, I put him there when I came to bed. Don’t you remember?”
No. I didn’t. I don’t remember letting Beloved Dog inside again. I don’t know why I didn’t get his food and feed him like I do every night when I let him inside. I don’t remember.
I wish I could say that it’s pregnancy brain, but if so, it’s remarkably early – my period’s not even due for another week.
Assuming it shows up. My period has been irregular ever since the D&C. I actually went to my doctor three weeks ago and asked her for a referral to a specialist, because I’m still not pregnant and this month my period was been a whole week overdue before it decided to make an appearance, which then barely lasted two days.
My doctor wouldn’t refer me. She said the tests are far too invasive to do without good reason, and that lack of pregnancy isn’t a concern unless you have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year.
“But it’s been a year. You took out my IUD a year ago.”
“Yes, but you conceived.”
“It wasn’t a full pregnancy.”
“But it shows you CAN conceive. So you have until June before it’s really a year without conceiving. Come back in June, if you’re not pregnant, and I’ll refer you then.”
I don’t want to be referred in June. If there’s something wrong that’s causing my irregular periods and lack of conception, I want to know now, not in June. And if there isn’t, I’d like to be reassured now, and not in June.
She gently reminded me that stress can cause irregular periods and suggested I be sure to exercise and take prenatal vitamins.
She’s probably right. It’s probably just stress playing havoc with my periods. There’s probably nothing wrong. But I felt really depressed after that appointment. Because I hate maybes and probablys.
I would rather have the invasive tests to get a definite answer. I would rather speak to someone who could advise me in greater depth about why I am not pregnant.
Maybe it’s all moot. Maybe the recent false memories and lost memories are early pregnancy hormones at work.
Or maybe the stress is making me crazy.
Either way, I’m failing at entertaining you all lately. So I’m going to start letting Owl entertain you instead with his elaborate story telling. Stay tuned.
The pesky wait-one-year rule. So immensely frustrating. At least here in America, the wait has more to do with keeping reproductive wait lists less clogged with women who have no issues and keeping prices down. Or so I have read. Not sure if the same applies in Canada, but I know the incredible frustration of having incredibly irregular periods and going months without a pregnancy, knowing that it’s your damn cycle screwing everything up, but being unable to find out what’s actually wrong.
Not to add more stress to your life, but have you tried temping in the mornings? Having a very clear and concise record of ovulation at least helped assure me that I am ovulating now (though unable to actually “try” due to work issues). I would highly recommend it, for your own piece of mind and to have a clear record to show a reproductive specialist if that day comes. I use Fertility Friend on my phone and it’s incredibly easy to just take 1 minute out of my morning to take my temp and log it into my phone.
I should get a basal thermometer. A friend lent me some expired ovulation strips, but I forget to use them some months and the months I have, I javen’t caught an ovulation. But then again, they expired like over a year ago.
I could never get ovulation strips to work for me. From what I have read online they can actually be pretty finicky depending on hydration levels, time of day, and just from person-to-person. Not to mention you can test “positive” for ovulation and still not actually ovulate. I gave up on them cause they were just impossibly stressful.
Nicki Hunt said:
My heart goes out to you and I really hope that it’s early pregnancy hormones, but if our hopes and wishes could make things happen you would already be cuddling your new baby. Just know that many of us care about you and your family and wish you well. I’m sorry you have had such a rough time recently, but I’m proud of your willingness to share, because there may be someone feeling just like you right now who reads what you write and is helped by knowing it’s not just them. I think you are a very brave lady and I’m proud of you. xx
Aw, thank you!
Grace Goldragon said:
I can totally relate to the not remembering and false memories. It goes hand in hand with working nights. It’s not so bad when I’ve only got 3 shifts in a week, but the ones that I have 4 or 5, especially if they’re in a row, it can get pretty ridiculous. Hugs to you my sister in exhaustion. I will still hold out hope that it’s early pregnancy hormones, though. 🙂
I miss reading your blog, but I completely understand not feeling up to it these days. My blog has a layer of dust on it an inch thick. I’ll still be here when you’re ready.
For me maybe it’s a result of working mornings? I am naturally a night person and the thing I miss most is the ability to wake up in a quiet and leisurely pace in the mornings…
Grace Goldragon said:
I would consider myself a morning person, but I like having a quiet a leisurely pace to get up. I know some people will get up, get dressed, and walk out the door. I need time to sit and look at the internet, drink my tea, and eat my breakfast. To this end, I set my alarm an hour and 20 minutes earlier than I actually have to walk out the door. It means I have to wake up at 6AM, but I feel it’s a necessary trade off for being able to have that time in the morning.
Yeah, I used to do that. Now Owl wakes up an hour and a half before I have to walk out the door. I can’t bring myself to set an alarm for even earlier. I need my morning sleep.
Grace Goldragon said:
Oh yes, there’s definitely a delicate balance to having time in the morning and having sleep. At a certain point, I too, would choose the sleep.
Oh, Carol, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now. Don’t worry about the blog as it will be here when you feel like writing. I truly believe that the cold, dark days of winter do nothing to help our moods. Perhaps you could try a full-spectrum lamp? Some people have great success using them and they feel like a different person. Just a thought. Also, check to see how long it has been since blood-work has been done. You could have a vitamin deficiency or low iron levels, etc. that could also explain your memory loss. Good luck, and sending warm thoughts up your way!
My lamp isn’t full spectrum but it is one of those super bright lamps for people with SAD. I don’t use it regularly though, I admit. I am taking my prenatal vitamins but I could add some more vitamin D ad I have b12 kicking around here somewhere…
Mélanie S said:
My anecdotal evidence means nothing but my cycle did improve with b vitamins. I took a b50 complex on top of the prenatal vitamins.
I also felt frustrated by the wait a year rule and the fact that they won’t investigate the cause of a miscarriage until you’ve had at least two in a row (I can’t imagine having the courage to try again again after that).
As. for the blog, I don’t think we the audience feels entitled to be entertained so no pressure, though it is nice to see your new post in my feed and I’m looking forward to Owl’s stories.
I should track down those B vitamins!
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Just sending you a warm hug and lots of love. I KNOW this is a cliche’ … but it became a cliche’ because it’s TRUE! “This too will pass. Hang in there!” xoxo
I feel you on the absentmindedness. I’m very good at having my thoughts elsewhere when performing mundane tasks, only to wonder later if I did x, y, or z while I was not fully present. I often ask my hubby if he saw me take my before-bed antacid meds, because I’m chatting away with him while getting ready for bed. A few years back I was taking a low-dose of anxiety medication, and I called that drug the mind eraser. I’d have no recollection of some events that took place during that time period. Eek.
I hope you’re back in the groove soon. Until then, it’s fun to hear Owl’s thoughts! Hugs…
Yeah, as an introvert my head thoughts are often much more distracting than the world around me, so a certain amount of absentmindedness is normal for me. But not knowing whether I let my dog inside, and then forgetting to feed him? That was scary!
We actually DID forget to let our yellow lab in one winter night. She liked to start out the night alone in the house and joined us in the wee hours of the a.m. in our bedroom. So when she wasn’t with us at bedtime, it didn’t seem odd.
She wasn’t a barker, so she just sat out there quietly shivering. WORST. DOG. PARENTS. EVER. We felt horrible. She was fine, but still. 😦
Aww. Glad that turned out ok!
I’ve missed your blog posts. Take care of yourself. *hugs*