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Life is… challenging right now.
Perfect Husband is depressed. He has always been prone to it, and I think the miscarriage and the lack of support at his work and who knows what other factors have helped spur it on. I haven’t seem him this bad in years, so I am trying to give him breaks wherever possible. He does as much as he can, but he doesn’t have much emotional or physical energy right now. What he does have, I want him to devote to getting better.
Luckily, I think I started taking my antidepressants again in time, because I am not depressed.
But I am sad at times.
I get sad thinking about how, a month ago, we were happy and expecting a baby.
Now I have no baby to expect, and a damaged husband, and we are focusing on getting through life one day at a time. We’re short on money, because we’ve been eating out a lot rather than trying to summon the energy to cook. We’re trying to stay cheerful for Owl, but it exhausts us and when he is asleep we collapse into introverted silence.
I had a midwife appointment booked for today. In a parallel universe, maybe I will cheerfully attend it.
I am worried about my husband. I am worried I won’t get pregnant soon, that I’ll never have a second child or that Owl will be half grown by the time I get pregnant, when what we really wanted was a playmate for him.
I am worried that I WILL get pregnant but that PH’s depression won’t improve and I will be functionally a single parent with two kids.
Thinking about life scares me right now.
So I’m hiding.
When Owl is asleep, I spend a lot of time re-reading and editing my NaNoWriMo story, which is now complete with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Working on it helps me dwell in a dream world where I become a rich author, can stay home to write all day, and support PH so that he doesn’t have to go to work in that poisonous environment. Instead he could coach children’s soft ball and soccer teams, umpire sporting events, practice his curling skills, and do the other things he loves to do but has no time or energy for.
If I could just become a paid writer… do what I love and need to do and get paid for it… stay home all day on the computer…
So I dream.
Even though I know that it is just a kind of a joke of a story and unlikely to ever make me a penny.
What I should be focusing is on reality – washing the dishes that PH can’t wash, folding clean laundry so we can stop living out of a hamper, and pursuing new dog training clients to replace the money we have frittered away.
I need to stop hiding in dreams.
If By Yes 
Don’t give up on those dreams, dreams keep us going.
You know I’m close if you need something.
I know, on both counts.
There is nothing wrong in hiding for a while, you are still recovering physically and mentally from a horrendous shock. Hold each other when you can and just continue taking each day one day at a time. sending love to you both xx
Thanks 🙂
You guys are often in my thoughts. I love reading your blogs, you are a great writer, even if the topics aren’t so great. Keep at it!
And I love hearing your praise! :-p
You can do this. One. Step. At. A. Time. And we’re here in support. xx
Love to you all.
Personally, I love your NaNoWriMore story and would pay money for it! 🙂 I’m usually the one who gets depressed, so I don’t really know how it is for the caregiver … but can assume it’s really tough.Please DON’T “stop hiding in dreams” and trust that everything will work out for the best. I honestly don’t know how we survived during my worst “dark times” when I wasn’t working at all and we had 2 small kids and my poor husband had to everything … but we did, and I got better and everything got better and now I can honestly tell you that I wouldn’t change my life for all the money in the world. Yes, I still live with pain very day (Fibromyalgia) but my kids have grown into awesome young people, I finally live in a house I’m not ashamed of, and my relationship with my husband has never been better! I also, totally, echo what Karyn said, because I KNOW it’s TRUE; “You can do this. One. Step. At. A. Time. And we’re here in support. xx Love to you all.”
At least, where PH and I have both had depression, we each know how the other feels! I’m glad I have at least one paying customer for my book :-p
*hugs* 😦
All very legitimate feelings, and I don’t blame you for “hiding”. Take to easy on yourself and PH. Sounds like you have your focus right where it needs to be: keeping the energy up for time with Owl. One day at a time.
Personal question that doesn’t need to be answered: Is PH on antidepressants? If not, he may want to consider it, or at least talking to someone about his feelings. No need to suffer unnecessarily is my motto.
Hugs to you all.
Oh yeah, he knows when he needs help, thank god.
Wishing I could come over to Canada and give you both a big hug, and then do the laundry xx
Poor PH read this post and then did all the laundry. Not what I intended!
{Facepalm} Oh, what a world.
God, this post. It strikes a very deep chord within me. My heart goes out to you and PH, sincerely.
I went through a depression from around the time that I got pregnant with the Boy until the Summer of last year. Except that I didn’t have any help. The house would be disgustingly messy for days. I would only do anything when needs got dire, but I never asked for help, and I didn’t receive any. I didn’t even feel guilty for not being capable of doing “my job.” We ate a lot of “frozen, bake in the oven” type foods, like pizza and chicken fingers, because I couldn’t make a meal from scratch every night, but we still had to eat. I knew I was depressed at the time, but when I was in it, I told myself that it wasn’t that bad. I was like, “Oh, I guess I just don’t have feelings any more. That’s alright, I guess. I can live a fairly mediocre life like this.”
I’ve come through the other side. I’m feeling much better, now. So I will just say, be gentle with yourself, and that goes for you and PH. You can only do what you can do, no more and no less. Just focus on keeping Owl alive and loved, and tending the connection between you and PH. Everything else can be half-assed for a while.
And yeah, please don’t stop dreaming. It’s hope, and sometimes hope is all we have.
Glad you got through it. There always is light at the end of the tunnel, and you’re right, that light is hope.
Not to discourage you from focusing on reality, but several of my favorite bloggers have ended up getting book deals and you’re my *favouritest*.
I’d need much higher traffic first! But that would be a dream come true!
So sorry that you and PH are suffering. I’m with Megan and Kerry, there’s no need to stop “hiding” in your little world; focusing on something constructive can be the best medicine there is. As long as you and Owl are OK, and PH is maintaining, the “hiding” may be your way out, if you catch my drift.
I feel like I’m echoing everyone else’s comments :p but if you can manage to keep seeing the sun come up every morning, and watch it go down every night, you’re that much closer to being where you want to be. And if you (or PH) *can’t* manage, for heaven’s sake, please ask for help. Please.
*Hugs*
We are lucky to have so many people around us to help!
Oh, sweet lady, I’m sorry you’re all going through this. I think your dreaming is a wonderful thing. I think tending to your novel is not only a great outlet, but also a step in the right direction to achieving your dream. I’m still waiting for your dog training book to come out! 🙂 Hugs from afar…
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