Tags
attitudes towards pregnancy loss, baby loss, gender inequality, miscarriage, silent miscarriage, work
What I have been hearing:
“I’m so sorry, honey, let me give you a hug.”
“Carol! What are you doing here at work? Go home! I would be at home curled in a ball with some Valium right now.”
“I can’t believe they couldn’t get you a D&C before Tuesday! Making you wait like that… That just seems… inhuman.”
“I’m so sorry, I know what you’re going through, truly – the same thing happened to me.”
“I miscarried, too. I woke up one night and the baby… well, it was an embryo but you could tell what it was… fell right into my hand…”
“I hemorrhaged for days after my D&C… I was devastated and hormonally crashing. You’re going to need a few days to recover.”
“Just remember that it is a surgery, so don’t push yourself too hard after.”
“Don’t let anyone tell you this isn’t a real loss. Take time to grieve.”
What HE has been hearing:
“If your wife lost her baby yesterday, I don’t understand why you won’t be in on Tuesday. I need more details before I can approve the time off.”
“I’m told you were a little rude with your boss yesterday when she asked you for more details about your absence. It really hurt her feelings and I think you should apologize.”
“You took off yesterday and you’re going to be gone again next week?”
“A D&C is a nothing procedure. What do you need Wednesday off for?”
“Don’t you think you’re milking this a little?”
What I have been getting:
What HE has been getting:
Dirty looks
Scoldings
Passive aggressive remarks
Newsflash, World:
We BOTH lost our Christmas Baby on Wednesday.
If By Yes 
I’m glad you’re receiving comfort and support. I’m rather sickened at what PH has been getting.
It’s late. I’m tired. I’ll stop there.
So am I on all counts. I may be the one with the dead baby inside me, but I think he’s the one suffering more right now.
I don’t think there’s “more” to suffering of this sort. There’s “different,” as Mélanie pointed out so eloquently below, but everyone dreams about their baby, men and women alike.
I sure hope you’ve told PH to read the comments to this post. For all the support and understanding he’s NOT getting at work, there certainly seem to be a lot of people who do get it, and wish *him* the best, as well as you.
Wow, that’s horrible. I thought people were avoiding the subject with him, but that is so over-the-top rude. So very unkind and disgusting. I’m sorry he’s getting this kind of treatment (at work, and not from family and friends, hopefully), such a rough time for everyone.
No, thank God all of our friends and family have been supportive, and my personal friends and my parents have all asked how he was doing, too. But work, holy crap. They really didn’t allow femininity into the workplace when they allowed the women, did they? Even the women have left it at the door.
Wtf? Besides the egregious insensitivity, what business is it of their’s WHAT it is that he takes time off for? They can’t just subjectively decide for someone else what’s worth taking time off for, and what isn’t.
You’d think the taboo around discussing miscarriage would just make them shut up and say “ok” to whatever he said he needed to do.
carol and ph: so sorry for your loss. ph’s work is missing some humanity, not femininity. ph’s apology: I’m sorry that you all have been treating this enormous personal loss so insensitively. you may be unfeeling robots based on your questions/commentary about how I should feel and react to events that don’t concern you, but I have not yet been mechanized that way. so if it seems that I have been rude to you, I would like to express my most sincere doubts as to your ability to empathize and am so sorry for your inability.
may the rest of the good people out there make up for the bad apples. again, sorry for both of your loss.
Lol amen!
I’d like to say I’m shocked and surprised by the treatment he’s getting at work, but I’m not. Many workplaces still think everything to do with birth is up to the moms, unfortunately – and that includes when there is a baby loss.
PH, I’m sorry that your office is full of passive-aggressive dicks. You have suffered a loss as a family, and that’s all any of them need to know.
Hannah said it so ell I’m just gonna say I agree.
When his boss called and was asking those questions I was like “give ME the phone, I’ll give that bitch so many details she’ll be sorry she asked”. Somehow he didn’t think that would be appropriate but I would have had no problem telling her in no uncertain terms that she was being stunningly insensitive about our loss.
That’s why PH is, well, perfect. In his shoes, I would have handed you the phone. “Honey, they need details at work about how this miscarriage is affecting our family in order to approve my time off. Any input?”
I wish he had. I would have given her so many details that she would want to scrub her brain afterwards.
I’m so sorry for your (plural) loss. We’ve just gone through a miscarriage ourselves. My husband needed time off as much as I did and he did take an extra day off to help deal with it. I think I ended up healing faster than he did, which may be the result of the disproportionate amount of support I received compared to him.
My heart goes out to both of you. I know you understand that it’s a very common, etc, etc but that doesn’t make it easier when it happens to you. Also, the hormone swings suck.
Exercise and b vitamins helped me out a lot. A day of reflection seemed to help my husband.
My sympathies.
You hit the nail on the head. Some people have used the commonality of it as a way to try and meliorate the loss and while I appreciate their efforts, it doesn’t really help. Everyone’s mother dies, eventually, but that fact won’t make it any easier to deal with when that terrible day arrives for me.
I’m so sorry.
I was so sad to read your other post, and I’m so very sorry for your and your husband’s loss. It’s terrible that in the midst of such sadness, he now must deal with such insensitive people. Sending positive thoughts for a quick physical recovery for you and hoping you and your husband find some peace.
I am so, so sorry for you loss. And so very, very angry about the insensitivity people are directing at your husband. What is wrong with the world that they can’t understand how significant that is? Anyway, I very much wish that you could forward the phone call my way, and I could ream them out on both your behalves.
So very sorry.
This is terrible, I’m sorry to hear PH has been treated so appallingly by his work “colleagues”. I hope they read some of these comments and feel ashamed, but I doubt they will as they do not appear to possess any feelings at all. Sending hugs and love to you both for your dreadful loss. xxx
Yeah they definitely do not know about my blog which is for the best, probably.
Like Hannah, I’m not actually surpirsed by the reactions PH has been getting. Very disappointed and angry for you both, though.
This in no way compares to your loss, but we witnessed a similar reaction the first time Kiku went missing. We were both very worried and upset. HE had to go to work. When he told people our cat was missing, the response was “Your wife must be upset, huh?” As if men don’t give a damn about pets. Both times that cat went missing, Chris spent HOURS looking for him and wouldn’t give up. Skipped meals, got up early, stayed out late, scoured the neighborhood and woods over and over… He’s the reason we found that damn cat.
Anyway… my point is, it’s damn unfair and I’m sorry to hear PH is going through that. Damn. We stil have a long way to go when it comes to understanding and equality on BOTH sides of the gender fence. My sincere condolences to BOTH of you,and your families.
I wonder why it is that people think men don’t care as much about family stuff. Even if you think patriarchally, the man was responsible for his family and could and should take it hard when things happen to them.
I guess the whole “men should be unfeeling think machines” stereotype outweighs the “head of the family” stereotype? It’s a good question.
It is! I guess so.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. And wtf to PH’s workplace.
I, too am sorry to hear about your family’s loss. I miscarried between our eldest two and it’s no fun. I am pleased you’re being supported but HORRIFIED to hear how PH is being treated. Take care – all of you. xx
Again, I can add nothing to what has already been said. I just wanted to add my love and best wishes to you all. When I shared with my husband about your loss, HE teared up as well!! Not all men are insensitive dicks just like not all women are sensitive! 😦
Sadly, most of the stuff he has been getting from work has been from women!
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