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This is the worst part of pregnancy.

Worse than the third trimester, sweating, swollen, 8 pound bag of snakes under your ribs part of pregnancy.


It is the worst.


1. Boring.

You don’t look pregnant, and you aren’t supposed to yammer about it to everyone you meet, but you walk around thinking “ARGHSDFHDUSI I’M PREGNANT.”

Meanwhile, your baby isn’t doing cute and interesting things like developing ears, sucking its thumb and peeing inside you.

Instead, it’s a tiny little non-cute seamonkey the size of a blueberry who doesn’t even have EYES yet. An EYELESS, non-cute seamonkey that is lucky if it even has a heartbeat yet.


And every time a pregnancy book compares my baby to a fruit I get an uncomfortable mental image of popping it in my mouth.

Anyway, it’s certainly far too early to get excited and start buying tiny pieces of clothing. It doesn’t even feel real yet.

2. Morning sickness.

I thought I might escape it this time, because for the first couple weeks I felt fine and I was like “HA, THEY WERE RIGHT, EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT!” but now it’s starting, and that means the weight gain has started.

That’s right. Weight gain. Because when I have morning sickness, the only thing that staves it off is snacking on easy-to-digest, salty, starchy things like… pretzels. Which means I end up eating half a bag of pretzels and subsequently gain weight. I was totally NOT gaining weight until the nausea started and now I’ve already gained 2 pounds.

And then there’s the world of regret that I live in when I decide, to, say, eat fish and chips for lunch and then spend the next 12 hours feeling like I have the flu, having that restless sleep where you keep dozing off then waking up nauseous.

And then, you can’t call in sick because there’s no point because this “flu” is going to last for MONTHS AND MONTHS.

3. Gratitude.

And as boring and nauseating as the whole thing is, you feel like a jerk if you complain, because you’re in the could-end-in-a-miscarriage-any-second part of pregnancy, the part of pregnancy that is so iffy that people don’t even like to tell other people that they are pregnant in case they have to have the awkward “yeah, I’m not, any more, actually…” conversation with people.

I had a night of severe cramping and it scared the crap out of me. I kept checking my underwear for spotting. I wrapped a magic bag around my middle and hoped for the best, and it passed, and the morning sickness arrived.

And I was grateful. To be nauseous.

Seriously, the worst part of pregnancy.