Hi,
According to my blog stats, the chances are that you’re a pedophile.
Even since I made this post about Amanda Todd, my blog stats have skyrocketed with thousands upon thousands of people searching for photographs of a (DEAD) 12 year old’s breasts.
Allow me to give you a peek at just some of the search terms that came in just today.
I am open to the fact that some of these people people may not know they are pedophiles, in the same way that a lot of people who have committed rape don’t think they’re rapists.
But if you were looking for a photo of Amanda Todd’s 12 year old chest, you were looking for child pornography, and no, I don’t have any of that here.
As appalled as I am by the actual numbers of creeps pouring into my blog hoping for child porn, and specifically child porn that is indirectly a cause of death for that same child, I find consolation in the knowledge that they were both disappointed and probably disgusted by finding my fat 30 year old boobs instead.
Take that.
And while we’re on the subject of search terms… here is a couple of odd ones from further down that same list.
If By Yes 
Pingback: Show Your Breasts For Amanda Todd, Or, In Which I Finally Deal With Amanda Todd’s Death « If By Yes
People are sick.
I read your post about Amanda Todd because I always love your thought-provoking posts. My heart breaks for her and her family. I didn’t even know her story until reading about it here (I had heard her name and that she killed herself but that was it).
I have two teenage daughters and navigating “social media” and dealing with all the BS that comes with it is exhausting. I worry about it all the time, and I have had lots of conversations about what is appropriate to put out there. Even so, teens are often knuckleheads and twitter is the favored medium of choice at the moment.
Thanks for your post about Todd, even though you have been inundated with perverts. I just might use BOTH of the these posts in a talk with my girls…to show them how many scumbags are searching for those photos. And the terms typed into the search engine just makes me want to puke.
You know, if my post helps even in girl, it’s worth showing tens of thousands of perverts my boob.
I’m a teen, i think its horrible what happened to amanda todd, i’ve been bullied since grade 4 and im a senior in HS now. I read you blog on your thoughts about it, and it was really good, i posted it on facebook and told everyone to read it. How it wasn’t what she did, but how people treated her and the matter. I then saw at the bottom did you search amanda todd boobs? i’m going to be completely honest with you, i’m here with my friend, we looked it up to see if it was still on the internet. Sadly it is. you would think they would have removed it but people just don’t care! So i clicked the link to this page and read all the things that were searched, and it’s aweful! You’re a very wonderful person, and i really enjoyed your blog. Thank you for sharing, i hope many people get to read this! I know how bad it is to be bullied. I’ve thought about suicide a lot. but i always think what if i live, who would i be with, what about my kids, etc. thank you for the wonderful article!
-Geneva
Thank you for your feedback! I hope that some of the searches that led here were cops trying to eradicate this photo, but it’s so hard. Remember that, once you put something on the Internet, it can’t be recalled because copies end up on thousands of computers around the world. Keep fighting those bullies. They won’t be worth your time of day in a few years time.
Bullies are tough. Cyber and real life. I just watched a movie called CyberBully. it was really good. It has Emily osmand in it http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1930315/ theres a link to imob and the discription, premiered in 2011. Check it out, it was a great film about cyber bullying.
Who was the pedo who kept posting the pictured and was the bastard prosecuted ?
They think it was a Dutch guy but he isn’t being charged for her case specifically. http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/dutch+suspected+victimizing+amanda+todd+before+death/11471640/story.html
TWO people were looking for fire from a cow’s nose. TWO.
On the same day!! And how did that lead to my blog??
Yeah, what exactly have you been tagging your posts?
Definitely nothing with cows or flames
The internets beg to differ
All I have to say is, WOW.
I know!
But you had not one, but two people looking for fire from a cow’s nose. Post on this, as soon as possible. You cannot disappoint.
In the same day, no less! Clearly a trend.
But im 12 :c
Then you’re just a pervert or possibly just a meme fan. You forgot to say “and what is this?” :p
First of all, excuse my (poor) english, I’m from Argentina, and as almost everyone here, english it’s not my first language
Looking for some developments on the Amanda Todd Case, I came across your blog. Sadly, one of the terms of google auto-complete (it’s that the correct term?) was the term that led me to your previous post [url https://ifbyyes.wordpress.com/2012/10/17/show-your-breasts-for-amanda-todd/%5Dhere [/url]
That got me thinking “what could result of such search?”.
First thing was your article. I was… amazed, by your writing. I agreed with everything. Nobody deserves to die over the mistakes we make as teens. Kids can be (very) cruel, and the blame I think it’s on all of us a society. Teens these days have a so much harder time than us (I’m 27 now). Here, kids have as early as 12, some even earlier (and that’s really f…d up)
I’m a guy, always the shorter one in the class room, and from a poor family (things improved eventually, even though I still live with my mom, whom raised me and my brothers all by herself) Through elementary school I was the target of choice for the joke of some of my classmates. Always fought back, even if that meant getting my arse kicked. I feel simpathy for those kids out there who can’t fight bak their bullies, it’s not easy.
But when I went to high scool, nobody would call me names or even tried to bullied me. Not that I got amazingly tall or gain muscles. Nothing like that. I just learned to fight much dirtier. Not only with fists, but words. Now, some of those who mocked me or stole from me back then, are in the very bottom of the jar (being a dad when you’re a teenager can really bust your dreams, not to say your education)
Now I have an average job, no responsabilties except my self, the luxury of an ongoing college career (unlike those who mocked me over being top of the class, some of them not even finshed high school). That’s my story (so far).
So as you said, things DO get better. People change (at least, some do). Keep that in mind kids. And if your friends don’t stand by your side when you need them, it’s time to find some new ones. It’s not that hard.
Needless to say, this blog is going to my bookmarks.
Good for you, and thank you for sharing that story!
I am also encouraged by your story about google auto-complete. I hope a lot of the searches I get are people just following Google. That being said, tsk tsk, Google, for encouraging people to search for such things!!
If a picture of 12 year old’s breasts is child pornography than go not to Europe because there are naturist beaches and even other beaches where girls of the same age and older or younger are topless.
Sorry a picture of 12 year old’s breasts is NOT child pornography and should never be….because otherwise even the child which makes the picture will be prosecuted and putted in the sexual offender list. So the real allowed bullying can begin.
Additionally are the pictures of Jock Sturges child pornography, too?
bombjack
PS: Sorry for my English it´s not my natural language…
Child pornography is, by definition, any sexualized photograph of a minor. 12 years of age is well below the age of majority. Ergo, that photograph is child pornography.
A child walking around with her top off isn’t pornography, it’s just someone with her top off. But if you have sex with that child, even if it’s consensual, it’s considered child abuse and statutory rape. And if you take a picture of her, and put it on the internet, with or without her permission, then you have participated in child pornography.
Jack Sturges is a hotly debated grey-area, since his photos are taken for artistic purposes and not sexual purposes. Nevertheless, his work was confiscated by the FBI in 1990 and he was charged with child pornography.
Furthermore, teenagers HAVE been charged with child pornography for “sexting” each other.
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/technology&id=6555650
I hear Switzerland is cracking down on child porn, so be careful and get educated about what is and what is not legal.
Sorry, that definition may be true for the US, but I am very happy that this prudish view will be combated in Europe.
Is it for you okay if a youngster will be charged with production and distribution of child pornography only, because she or he transmit some pictures to his/her friend?
Do you think that Amanda Todd (if she would be still alive) should be charged with production and distribution of child pornography, for posting a picture where she shows her breast?
Sorry, child pornography should only be the pictures of real sexual abuse nothing more and nothing less. Every other definition is a slap in the face of every victim of sexual abuse….
One more question to the link what you provided….what do you think? Should teens be punished for obscenity or child pornography if the make a picture of their own body and send it?
To “Jock Sturges” is it really hotly debated at present age?
Sorry for the harsh words, but I have very big problem, if the definition of child pornography is more and more extended, because if that happens there will be (or in the US: “there was”; because there are a few cases) the point where pictures of nude children which are made by the parents (without any ulterior motive or sexual/pornographic purpose) count as child pornography. I do not want to live in a society where parents can get sued and families destroyed and ruined, because the only thing what the parents have done was a picture of their naked child.
bombjack
PS: Thank you for the discussion and that I can improve my English…..
Okay, let’s look at Interpol’s definition: “Child pornography is the consequence of the exploitation or sexual abuse perpetrated against a child. It can be defined as any means of depicting or promoting sexual abuse of a child, including print and/or audio, centered on sex acts or the genital organs of children”
Now, Amanda Todd was badgered into exposing her breasts by a pedophile via webcam. He then took a photograph of them without her consent, and proceded to use that image to sexually harrass her over the internet, blackmail her into having sex with him, and the dissemination of that image ruined her life and was indirectly the cause for her death.
Explain to me why that is not child exploitation/sexual abuse.
I understand that you are trying to justify wanting to see this child’s breasts, but the fact is that if you WANT to see a child’s breasts, and specifically images which have caused so much emotional trauma to this dead girl, that is perverse.
No, I don’t think teens should have their lives ruined because they sent each other naked pictures. But if a teenage boy takes the pictures his girl friend sent them and posts them on the internet without her permission, he SHOULD be charged, because those images can never be recalled and can cause serious damage.
So showing a female breast is a “sex act”?
Sorry, I have now looked at the picture and without the knowledge of her real age I would say this girl is over the age of consent in my country which is 14 (with some restrictions) respectively 16.
Okay it is a screen capture what I found over a image search of a search engine and it can be that the video makes her age clearer…..and this video I do not want to see….additionally the act itself (forcing or better manipulating the girl to get the picture/video, harass and blackmail her) is sexual abuse.
The picture itself, if it is isolated out of the context and without the background knowledge is in my opinion and according to the judicial system where I live no child pornography.
At least a serious word:
Why do assume that I want to see this child’s breasts? Do you want to provoke me?What do you think you are? First the hint with Switzerland, than that? You know nothing over me…thank you for the assumption..be lucky that I have a big range of tolerance.
bombjack
Of course showing a female breast is not a sex act – notice that I posted a breastfeeding picture as my boob shot, and I definitely do not consider that sexual.
But as you yourself admit, the context taints the image. Since the photo of this particular child’s breasts were taken in a context of sexual abuse, that makes the photo child pornography.
If you have found copies of it online, I recommend you report it to the many authorities around, to aid them in their search to remove this photo from the internet.
And you ask why I “assume” you want to see this child’s breasts. That seems like an odd question to be posted on a post that was all about how over 90% of the people landing here are searching for pictures of this child’s breasts. You haven’t told me that you found this site through any other avenue, and you yourself admit to having tracked down and viewed this image that caused a young girl so much mental anguish that she ended up killing herself.
So I assume you wanted to see it, because you must have wanted to see it. Was I wrong? Did you NOT want to see it? Did you never look for it? Otherwise, my assumption was correct, even though it was based on overwhelming statistics and the simple fact that you haven’t made any claim NOT to want to see it.
The hint at Switzerland wasn’t a hint, it was just a comment about your region because your IP address indicates that you are posting from Switzerland *shrug*
Finally, your pugnacious attitude and your immediate launch into an argument that “photos of a 12 year old’s breasts is not pornography and should never be” sounds very defensive to me. I can think of lots of times when a 12 year old’s breasts should be considered pornography, and this is definitely one of them. This isn’t you being open minded. This is you being determined to justify wanting to see this hateful image.
This is not some innocent picture. This is a picture laden with abuse and anguish.
Look, you can argue semantics of “child pornograpy” all day if you like.
But ultimately:
1. This photo was taken without this child’s consent – she did not post it herself or agree to have it disseminated
2, This photo is of a 12 year old girl. Never mind what she looks like, that is what it is.
3. There are many easily obtained photos of girls who actually are 18 and older available on the internet.
4. This particular photo was used as blackmail and then used to create such an atmosphere of ostracism that this child felt driven to suicide over this mistake that she could not recall.
5. If people are looking up this photo for any reason other than helping police authorities to track down and remove copies, as well as find the people who are keeping it on their hard drives, I judge them a little bit. To know what pain this photo caused and to still want to see it, especially for sexual reasons is, to me, sick.
I am not going to debate the pros and cons of child pornography laws any further. Quite frankly, arguing about whether or not Jack Sturges is art and using that to imply that this falls in a similar category is absurd as posting an argument on a page about Jack Sturges, implying that if Jack Sturges is art, then photos of children being abused is art.
Context matters.
The context for this photo is just awful.
And anyone who looks for photos of a 12 year old for sexual purposes fits the definition of a pedophile.
I’d rather see milk shooting from a cow’s nose. Also, although the topic of creeps is not funny, your labels were.
I try. And it was FLAMES from a cow’s nose. Or fire. One of those.
PS ❤ your banner pic!
Thanks!
“bilder” means “pictures” in Swedish, so that one could be innocent. However, “naakt” in Dutch and “nackt” in German both mean “naked” as far as I know, so apparently, you’ve also got a Dutch and a German pedo on there … :]
I think maybe a lot of people have missed how the poor girl was 12, and just thought “HAWT TEEN BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!” … but it’s still thinking with “the brain downstairs” rather than thinking with the one UPstairs, which would tell any person that this poor young girl died. Disgraceful.
what if people who searched for amanda todd’s boobs, are 12 years-old themselves?
Then obviously they aren’t pedophiles, just kids who have no sympathy for others. Hopefully they will learn empathy as they grow older and not become like the self righteous dirtbags who still blame a child for her mistakes.
Oh, I feel bad for getting curious now. I stumbled across her memorial page after researching other memorial pages on facebook (Since a person on facebook recently lost a close friend and plans on making one, I wanted to see what these memorial pages were like.) and then I read and watched a few things, got curious and wound up here. I feel guilty now.
I feel truly sorry for the girl, she was gorgeous and she seemed talented. She needed help, but she got none.I got curious and I wanted to see what that picture that was all over the internet was like, not for my own guilty pleasure if that’s what people call it. The things I came across sickens me. Damn my curiousity!
Anyways, off topic..I want to talk a little about this whole situation with someone more mature, understanding..even if they’re a stranger. I am not proud of my age group. Sure, the people that surround me aren’t as bad as the people Amanda knew, but they’re all immature. They make fun of topics like rape and suicide all the time, yet they don’t even understand (or try to) what it really is like. It’s like they don’t even know that the thing called empathy exists, what it’s like for the people who go through such horrid situations. As long as it’s funny, it’s considered a joke. Like bullying, some miserable and/or twisted people actually enjoy seeing people break down. They feel stronger, since they’re so pitifully weak…Like a saying I always said (not sure if it’s been said from anyone else before, but they’re my own words..) “The people around us are always bringing us down, mocking us, messing with our feelings, judging our appearance…giving them temporary false strength. It causes the lack of motivation and confidence for the victim, resulting in loneliness and depression. Loneliness and depression can lead us to as far as suicide. The world today is materialistic, controlled by the media and shuns anything different. The world isn’t the beautiful place it was 50 years ago.”
Sure, the world before wasn’t perfect either, but…from what I keep hearing from the elderly family members, it was close to perfect considering today.
Before I completely drive off topic, I also want to state out the fact that schools don’t try to help people in need anymore either. Bullying just recently started to matter, and while people are trying to get the message out there while relying on suicide stories such as this one, people go literally insane and find the nerve to make fun of such things…repulsive. People are disgusting, I sometimes want to end my life and headaches because of these revolting “human” beings. :I
Wouldn’t you just love to see all of them suddenly poof away from the earth’s surface? 🙂 How wonderful that would be…
Anyways, best wishes to Amanda’s family, may she rest in peace. I send my love to her and her family and hate to the rude, immature people from Istanbul~ And I thank you for this very inspiring blog, and I apologize again for my curiousity. 🙂
Thank you for your honest and insightful reply.
I am happy to know that some of the people landing here are genuinely caring people, and I’m so sorry that you have lost a friend.
People are terrible, and too few stop to think before they say hurtful things. But don’t worry – the world IS getting better. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but the old people are wrong – things were bad then, too. We just didn’t talk about it.
I know women who grew up in the supposedly idyllic 1950s. Some of these women were beaten and raped by their own fathers or step fathers, but no one talked about it. Black people were treated as second class citizens, beaten and hung from trees… but no one talked about it. Homosexuals were forced into loveless marriages, and engaged in secret risky behavior or suffered suicidal depression… but no one talked about it.
The child death rate was more than double what it is today, but now we have forgotten that and people complain and demonize the very medical advances like antibiotics and vaccines that have made today’s America/Canada safer for children than they have ever been.
For an interesting if heart breaking account of life as a woman minority in the thirties and forties, you might be interested in reading I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou.
And let’s go back further, and look at hundreds of years ago. In the Crusades, Europe was overrun, burned, pillaged and raped by men posing as righteous Christians. Now let’s go back thousands of years ago. The Romans pit human vs human in the Colosseum, and people showed up in droves to cheer while men fought for their lives and died.
As much as we would prefer to believe that television and Apple and Microsoft are responsible for today’s ills, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We are human, and while the best of us is wonderful, the worst of us is appalling.
What we need to realize is that we have a choice. Moment by moment, we can choose which kind of person to be. When someone says something insensitive, do we choose to stay quiet, or do we choose to speak up?
The risk of speaking up is obvious – as you can see from the many comments on my post, some people just won’t get it, no matter how much you lecture them. That means that you end up spurring a ruckus with discouraging results. It’s hard to ruin laughter with sober thought, and it’s hard to keep doing it when people don’t seem to understand or care about the point you are trying to make.
But it’s still worth doing because some of them will.
I’m sure many of the thoughtful and empathetic people who read this will remember a day when they said or did something thoughtless, and were made to realize their mistake. I bet all of us will tell you that it made us better people. And if speaking up for those who can’t can help even one fellow human grow and develop into something more than the thoughtless animals we tend to be… then I think all of that discomfort is worth it, because we can only make the world a better place one person at a time…
…and it starts with ourselves.
P.S. I am totally in love with your deviantart profile picture, and some of your photos, notable the “just sit and relax” one.
You are most welcome.
It’s always a nice thing to know there’s a few kind-hearted people around, and no It wasn’t me who lost a friend thankfully. It was an old friend that did, I think through an accident, but thank you for your concern. (:
The world is a bit better compared to the past, there’s rules and mentality on what’s right and wrong, but it’s still a cruel place with many many problems. Back then, there weren’t billions of people on the earths surface. The world is over populated and there’s enough food to feed every single person in this world…yet, in Africa hundred of people die from starvation everyday. And that’s just Africa. Even though the earth is flooded with people everywhere, people insist on making children and anti-abortion. Not everyone has to go through pregnancy and taking care of a child all their life, do they? What if they were raped? Sure, the unborn child shouldn’t be the one taking the punishment, but what about the mother? And people keep saying adoption– what about all those children with no homes or family, rotting away in foster homes? Just recently a woman in Ireland died because doctors refused to abort her dead baby– just because they felt a faint heartbeat. Both the mother and the baby are dead now.
Enough of abortion…Yes, we can’t blame only the media. The media does have it’s pros and cons, but it does have negative affects on people, unconsciously too. (Subliminal messages are an example)
People try to act and be like the people on TV, especially teenagers. If they see lots of partying, smoking, sex and alcohol, they start doing the same thing. Most of the population at my school smoke, drink and aren’t virgins (I’ve only drunk anything with alcohol 3 times. Once with my grandmother, once with my best friend but my mother knew, and the last was barely even a few sips. I’ve never smoked or even had a relationship. I don’t think I’m prepared for anything serious like that anyways, I’m not headstrong like the others who want to try everything right away and I’m really happy with myself.) . They think it’s “cool”, the term we teenagers use these days, to trash your health and emotional life. I mean, people are starting to understand sex wrong. Very very wrong. They mix sex with love, and there’s so many horrible stereotypes out there; Woman who sleep around are sluts who can’t close their legs yet men who sleep around are legends.
Sure we can’t just blame the media on our recent behaviors, but it is a major reason + no/lack of guidance from family and teachers. I’ve seen all the things every other teenager has seen, yet I’m certainly not anything like what I see.
Homosexuality is still rejected and seen as a sin/choice. Homosexuals do have more freedom, but many gay people are being slaughtered by overly religious and close minded people everyday. Hate crimes happen everyday, not just towards gay people. It happens maybe almost every hour…and who knows? Maybe we could change this if we actually used enough effort instead of saying “Eh, I’m just one person. It wouldn’t change anything.”
Like a small 5 year old girl was raped brutally by a ravenous pedophile. She got sent to a hospital and mental hospital, and the man? Released after a small fine. In our country, artists and intellectuals are arrested for going against our terrible government…yet rapists and murderers are set free? Barely anyone does a thing, and protests are always stopped by the police with tons of pepper gas and beating. A pregnant woman going to university had her unborn baby beaten to death by a police officer. The officer said he didn’t know when it was clear she was pregnant, she was on her 7th month and showing quite alot. What happened to the officer? Nothing. Nothing at all. And barely anyone did anything about it. People find it difficult to speak up because of these reasons. When you try to speak, you get shot down…no matter how tall you stand. What ever happened to the freedom of speech?
Thank you for the book suggestion, I’ll read it when I can. (:
Oh, how I wish everyone could be that way…to realize their mistakes they made in the past and come up to you and apologize for it. Only a few number of people can, I now I did recently. If only everyone could… 😦
That is so true.
Oh wow, you actually looked? O: I feel so flattered, thank you! I really want to take up photography as a hobby, maybe even a career. I need money and time for that though, sigh.
I apologize for venting a bit too much and sorta off topic of your blog, and I thank you kindly for the supporting words.
I would like to say that there is an email line opened by the RCMP (or another police body, can’t fully remember atm) Who is asking for links so they can follow up on them, I have searched a number of the lines you claimed were from pedophiles in an effort to find and report the links. I understand a large amount could be people looking for her boobs for themselves, but at least try to have an open mind on it? That last line is not meant to sound as rude as it reads, I promise.
Yeah, my logic is that this guy has the pcs so he wouldn’t be searching for them. The RCMP have been complaining that they are spending a lot of time on false leads, and I don’t want to be one of those people who weigh them down. I could send them the IP addresses of all the suspicious commenters but chances are most of them are thoughtless jerks.
Hi. I’m around Amanda’s age. Recently we are learning about Internet Safety at school.
The lessons remind me of Amanda Todd. I searched up Amanda Todd and ended up on this site. The definition of the people who used the terms to search are mostly funny.
But I know this is serious and I am strongly against pedophiles and hope that the pervert who blackmailed Amanda would be stopped.
I won’t expose myself to any of those social networking sites since I am not old enough… I don’t have any photos posted on the internet.
I have read the other post (I did not read to the flashing part because I clicked on the link to here) and this one.
I can’t believe that there are still a lot of people who don’t understand Amanda’s situation. I also can’t believe that there are so many perverted people wanting a flash of Amanda after her death…
I just wanted to say this because I have to. I am angry at all the perverts
Thank you for telling me your story of how you came to be here. Internet safety is SO important. Always remember, when you do start using social networking sites, that they are public. Too many people get fired from their jobs or get in trouble with their friends because they have said or done the wrong thing online, and the whole point of social media is to tell people what other people are saying/doing.
In a way, I hope that it will lead to more accountability. If you’re interested, you might want to check out my post on Why Social Media Can Save The World. I think that between that and the Amanda Todd story, you’ll have seen the best and the worst of the world that you are inheriting.
Thank you for your advice it was really helpful.
I feel awful.
I’m not proud of a lot of things I’ve done, but i have a confession. I came here by searching: “amanda todd tits”. And yes it was for sexual reasons. However, when i got here i learned so much more about her than what i remember from news reports…and that she was 12. TWELVE! I didn’t pay attention to the details as i should have. I had no idea she was so young.
Just a child.
The more i know of the cruelties of humanity; the more i feel obligated to do something. It is in our…my ignorance that we fail as a species; that I had once again let myself be blinded by the trivial crap intended to inhibit our senses. I like to think of myself as an honorable, compassionate young man. Yet it is times like these where i fall the hardest. I want to be better than this. I tremble with shame.
I guess what i am asking for is forgiveness, for in this moment i feel common with that of which crawls in the deepest of our selves. I do not expect it, But i do ask that you understand.
People like you make all of this worthwhile. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for being open to learning and thinking. I’m sorry that I have been so harsh – but you’ve seen the comments of some of the other people who have landed here, who continue to insist again and again that they deserve to look at her breasts because she was a “slut”. It wears you down.
You restore my faith in humanity.
Hi Ifbyyes, I really love your blog, I was watching some videos on teens reaction over youtube and accidentally saw Amanda Todd video in same channel, did some research about her and I landed here, I am really sad for Amanda but I will sure blame her parents for not supporting her enough and being open with her to talk.
I am 22 year old, I was doing well in my lower school people use to like me, when I entered my middle school people started bulling me, I was bullying and fighting with others too, but I always knew my lines that not to cross or hurt, I never use to cry even when I get hurt by bulling, I have never shared this with any till to date not even with my parents, but when i was around 6th or 7th standard I asked my parents to change my school they ignored me but I have not said them about me being bullied.
My parents they adopted me, but they still loved me alot, I am son of my mothers sister, I use to stay with my aunt(adopted mother) alot when i was of small age, so my parents said I got attached with them in that small age so I actually stayed with them, and I really love them alot till to date, but some of my relatives use to pick on me for that by calling names, may be they thought its funny but I really cried alot when alone, and I think this was main thing which affected my childhood and still has its impact to little now.(I thought of giving some information so you may not judge me for being overly weird)
I am thankful to those some of my teachers who really loved me and cared for me all time personally even though they dunno how i felt of being bullied, they thought I am normal because I use to smile and play before everyone and pick on some friends(who dont mind). Some of my close friends(who use to support me and be at my side) left school for another cities, mostly everyone in school knew me but I still hardly had any friend who was close to me, people started bullying me more when I was in 8th and 9th standard even those who were my friends, some started to have impression that i am one pathetic low guy as this were years of end of my school those last impressions stayed that made me uncomfortable for meeting my school friends after school and I was not even making more friends, and I left for university for another country, I hardly know anyone over here and I have not made any friends, I hardly attended my classes, I was doing good in school with good grades, but it been 3 years I am in my university I have only passed one subject that too was language,
I have not said my parents that I am doing bad in university, I really want to study, but I dunno after 3 years passing no subject and having almost no friends I lost self confidence, I live alone in my room no one to talk and share, sometimes it has happened that 2 or 3 days or week has passed and I have not spoken a word out of my mouth because I really don’t have someone to talk with, I think now I have social anxiety. Then I started spending time chatting with people over internet or in some virtual games, sometimes I don’t feel welcomed there too, I really have no idea what I am doing and what to do, with my condition university seems like dead end, at some point i thought of running drugs but got stopped from it.
I have not shared any of this what I wrote here with anyone ever before, I feel I want to talk with someone as real me how I feel and whats going in my brain. I was actually terrified by posting comment with my facebook or real name, because I dont want this to appear before my friends and they judge me.
I really have no idea what I am doing in my life!!!
I’m sorry, I only just found this now. Remember that you CAN control your life. Forget what is past. So you don’t do well at university. Maybe you would do better in a community college. Ask yourself what you are good at, and focus on that. Make a plan for yourself and WORK for it. If you want to succeed at school, make yourself go to class every day. Just turning up for class every day makes the difference between passing and failing. Teachers don’t test by the text, they test based on what they said in class. If you aren’t there, you’ll fail even if you study all the time.
But university isn’t the be all and end all. Trades are actually better for getting a good job right now.
And when it comes to making friends, the best thing you can do is to let yourself shine. What are you good at? What do you love? Be that. Live that. And let people in. Care about them. Remember their names. Ask them about themselves. Find people who make you feel comfortable and invite them out.
We tend to think that life happens to us, but it’s the other way around. We happen to life. Go out and make it happen. *hug*
You’re nothing but an attention, white-knighting whore. Go kill yourself.