I thought I would transcribe my last 24 hours or so for your perusal. Behold the glamorous existence of the working mother of a toddler. It’s going to be exciting. Are you excited?
Perfect Husband brings Owl to me in bed, as neither of us feels able to deal with another wake-up. Owl nurses and I go back to sleep.
Awoken by a heavy weight bouncing up and down on my neck, the musty scent of a pee-filled diaper, and a tiny voice going “Mama Horsey! MAMA HORSEY!”
Go back to sleep after giving a quarter-hearted “neigh…”
“Mama up! MAMA UP!”
“It’s still sleepy time, Owl.” He may or may not understand me, because I am speaking directly into my pillow.
“MILK! MIIIIIIILK!! PEEEEASE!”
Perfect Husband walks into the room to find me lying prone with Owl nursing upside down on top of me, with most of his body sprawled on top of my face.
I am slapped repeatedly on the head.
“Ouch, Owl, don’t hit, that makes me sad. Mama doesn’t get up if you hit her.”
I feel a tiny baby kiss.
Because my baby thinks that I am Snow White.
Haul my butt out of bed, let the dog out of his crate, turn off the dehumidifier, and put on my bathrobe while Owl runs ahead of me going “Dog! Button! DOOR! OPEN!”
Attempt to cook breakfast with Owl hanging on my leg going “MAMA UP! MAMA UP!”
Top up Owl’s bowl with the fifth handful of blueberries, because as long as there are blueberries in the bowl, I can continue to eat my breakfast in peace.
Step out of the shower, discover that Owl has removed a quarter of the toilet paper roll and left it in a heap by the bathtub.
“MAMA WET! HAAAAIR! WET!”
Wrestle Owl on the changing table.
“NO NO NO NO BABY! BUM HURTS! NO DIAPER! NO WALK! BALL! BOOK! NO! BABY!”
“Want to go for a walk?”
“Yeah! WALK! BALL!”
Get ready to walk the dog by putting on Owl’s shoes, putting on my own shoes, leashing the dog and so on while he runs around going “Soos! Toat! Lees! Bag!”
Take dog food out of Owl’s mouth.
“Okay, Owl, bye bye, have a good day at school. Mama loves Owl. Owl? Owl? Bye, Owl!”
Owl has already run into the daycare and I am forgotten. Helper Lady smiles at me and closes the door, wishing me a good day.
8:26 AM-5:22 PM
Run out of work in a huge rush
Pick up Owl late, feel bad about it because once again, he is the last to leave. Nurse him while stuffing his feet into his shoes. Daycare Lady gives complete rundown of everything he ate that day which includes but is not limited to scrambled eggs, banana, apple, pita, turkey breast, cucumber, saffron rice, and bread and butter.
Return to work to finish up the things that were still undone while Owl walks around demanding “Milk! MILK PEEEASE!”
Arrive home with Owl. Watch him play outside while PH finishes dinner.
Go run bath. Check Facebook quickly while it runs, then get in an read three pages of my book.
PH brings naked baby to me in the bath. Naked baby proudly stands in the bath, aims at my thighs and says “pee!”
A thin stream trickles against my leg.
“Yes, Owl, that’s pee, but wouldn’t it be nice if someday you did that IN THE TOILET?”
“Okay, Owl, say night night to Daddy.”
Finally creep out of Owl’s room. Join PH downstairs. Attempt to kiss each other and miss. Discuss possibility of watching another episode of The Guild. Decide against it because PH doesn’t feel like he has enough ability to concentrate and I have too much to do. End up writing article for Elance on how to increase your chance of having a baby girl while PH watches Family Guy.
Get snack and go to bed. Read in bed for an hour.
Owl wakes up. PH goes to him.
PH returns to bed and collapses next to me. After a moment a thin wail pierces that blissful silence . PH makes a sound very much like a sob. I get up.
Decide that ten minutes of humming “Mama’s Going To Buy You A Mockingbird” in increasingly slow and off-key tones has done the trick. Stand up. Owl’s head immediately pops up and he begins to cry. Sit back down. Start humming again.
Return to bed. Lie awake while suffering from delusions that there are things I am supposed to be doing at work right now.
Why am I so tired?