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PH and I can’t decide what to do about Owl’s child care situation.
Perhaps it is typical of us that we are turning such a non-issue into an issue.
Reasons why Owl’s care should be a non-issue:
1. Daycare Lady was the first person I called when I got The Infamous Email, because I was shaking and upset and Owl was clinging to me and going “maaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa” and I have never been so close to putting him through a wall as I felt at that moment. So she said to bring him right away, of course, and please, not to worry – that no matter what, Owl would never lose his spot with her.
2. When PH and I came to pick Owl up at the end of that day, she spent fifteen minutes trying to persuade PH that we didn’t need to pay her while I was out of work. That she would not charge us until I found a job again. PH of course refused to consider that.
3. Daycare Lady and her older daughter (who has been known to CRY on weekends because she missed Owl) both pleaded with us to continue bringing him. PH and I assurred them that we would, because has developed an attachment to them (he now calls Daycare Lady by name and has invented a sign for her, which is tapping his chin for some reason) and we wouldn’t want to yank them out of his life like that. They basically responded with “yes, please, please don’t take him away from us.”
4. When I picked Owl up after my interview on Thursday, Daycare Lady again tried to convince me to accept Owl’s care for free while I searched for work: “Carol, I know how men are, they are stubborn about money and their pride causes problems, but Carol, please believe me when I say that I want you to keep bringing Owl and I don’t want to charge you. This can just be between you and me. Don’t try to give me money for this. I want you to bring him.” When I said that maybe we could “figure something out”, like taking Owl down to part time, she insisted again and again “Carol, please. You are like me – your family lives far away. Owl is like my family now. Please. I want you to think of us as your family. Please, bring Owl tomorrow. Bring him every day. We want to see him. When you get work again, then you can pay again, but until then, I feel it is wrong to charge you.”
5. It is undeniable that Owl would prefer to continue going. How PH and I ended up with such a little extrovert, we have no idea, but there is no arguing his extroversion. He hates being housebound. On the day that I kept him home, between The Day Of Infamy and the job interview, he kept bringing me his boots and signing “coat”, and then, if that didn’t work, he’d haul MY boots over to me. Despite the fact that it was freezing cold outside, he loved walking in the snow because HE LOVES A CHALLENGE. He just wanted to be out, out, out. We took three walks that day, one of which was all the way to The Esso, which is a half a kilometre away. Yes, HE WALKED all the way there. In the snow. Tiny step by tiny step. He wanted to walk back, too, but I carried him for time reasons.
So, to sum up:
- Owl loves daycare.
- Owl’s daycare loves him.
- It won’t cost us money.
- It would make people sad to actually refuse.
So where’s the problem?
Well, seriously, how do you accept something like that from someone? At what point does it just become taking advantage of someone’s generosity?
It didn’t help that when PH dropped Owl at daycare today, intending to reopen the “please let us pay you” conversation, Daycare Lady met him at the door with a heaping plate of food for us – rice with some kind of lamb curry on top – lest we grow faint in our house-cleansing efforts.
At what point does it become too much? How can we get her to accept our money?
If By Yes 
I think there are plenty of solutions here. First of all, PLEASE accept something so lovingly and freely given. If it will make you feel better by sending him less often, fine. You can always pay extra once you guys are back in the swing of things. Or just continue to pay what you can.
Talk to her about finding a way you can help them or show your appreciation.
But otherwise, seriously, why say no? Having been in situations where we couldn’t afford childcare or couldn’t find childcare, I can’t imagine passing up something like this.
I don’t think we will, either. But we feel guilty about it!
You don’t force the issue with her anymore. Take this gift she is offering you, appreciate, and pay it back to her one day and pay it forward.
I wish there were more people like Daycare Lady in the world.
So do I!
This is like some sort of scene in a movie! So cool of her, and I agree — you guys should just accept it.
Yes, you don’t expect this stuff in real life.
I love hearing stories about the nice people in the world! Keep a running tab at home. When you’re back at work and are ready, give her a big fat check for it. If that isn’t economically possible, just do what you can.
Get to know more about Daycare Lady’s life and figure out something that you could do to help her. What does she not like to do?
I love what Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife said, too!
Good luck with your job search, Carol!! 🙂
Jen 🙂
The woman is a saint.
I agree with the chorus. Gifts freely given out of love, gifts that are not expected or given out of a sense of obligation, are beautiful and rare.
I know. But it’s so hard to accept when you have nothing to give in return.
Speaking as someone who also lives away from family, I had tears in my eyes reading what she said about how she wants you to think of her as family. The way she is insisting, I almost think it would be insulting not to accept!
Yes, there is that. I just hate to feel like we might be taking advantage of her kindness.
If she’s offering it freely and willingly, it’s not a kindness you can exploit. If you, when you start earning money, don’t start paying her, or drop him off for longer and things like that, THAT would be taking advantage or exploiting her kindness. You know, like when you offer to help someone with something and they go and say “oh and while you’re at it, could you also do this, this and this? That’s great, thanks! *goes and does something relaxing instead of doing that work they HAD to do so badly which is why you asked to help in the first place*”
And yes, if she considers him family, to refuse would probably be insulting. It might be a cultural thing as well.
Speaking as a Daycare Lady, take this wonderful gift in the spirit it was offered. Believe me – if she didn’t want to take him for free, she wouldn’t. And thank your lucky stars you found a place which is a second home for Owl (even if he does have to wear a hat indoors).
I make all kinds of concessions for my clients. I don’t make a big thing out of it, I just do it. When the kids have been here for long enough, they *do* feel like part of the family. I still miss Arthur every. damn. day, and when I get to see him at preschool I can’t stop myself from giving him a huge hug. If I could afford to take him for no cost, I would.
I keep reminding myself that she lives in what has got to be a 700,000 – 1 million dollar home. But then again, that just means that they must have a massive mortgage. I’m not sure what her husband does, but I know he works odd hours…
How lucky Owl is, to be so loved!
I’m going to chime in and say accept the offer. If she didn’t want to do it, she would’ve said goodbye and good luck, and taken on a new family who could pay. I had a wonderful relationship with our Daycare Lady. She took care of Big Sis as an infant, and she was the first one I called when I needed someone for Lil Sis. She was only watching 3 babies at the time, with no plans to take on another, but she did offer to watch her until I found a permanent solution. Then weeks later, on a day when I was feeling overwhelmed with a newborn, she called out of the blue and said she would take Lil Sis permanently because she knew we needed her. Wonderful people like these are rare gems indeed, and I’m so happy you have found one.
So am I!
I’d also say accept the offer…and this is one of the situations where a lovely Christmas gift and cheque next year are absolutely ideal! That’s the time of year when you can thank her for her help over 2012…
Here’s hoping we’ll be in better financial shape this year than we were last year come Christmas time!
I agree with everyone here. As Hannah said, if she didn’t want Owl, she wouldn’t make the offer, and she’s put it in such terms that, as someone else said, it would be insulting not to accept it. So you accept with copious thanks and much appreciation, and then for the duration you put $20/week aside in an envelope, more if you can afford it. When you find work, you give her what’s accrued as a bonus.
Speaking as a daycare person, small tokens of appreciation mean a lot. Supermarket flowers, home-made brownies, a bottle of wine (if she drinks), a package of nice tea with a china mug… that sort of thing. One of my clients, on hearing that I didn’t have salt to spread in my front steps, came around very early the next morning and sprinkled my steps and front sidewalk, and left the bag on my porch. The only reason I knew it had to be him was because he was the only one I’d mentioned it to! That sort of thing goes a loooong way.
I have to try and think of something nice to do for her.
Ok, I’m just gonna say it…and then I’ll continue quietly lurking and not be rude again (probably). But (deep breath)…uh…I think it’s kind of selfish not to accept this gift wholeheartedly. The issue here is about Owls care (and you and PH’s sanity) and someone who clearly and persistently wants (needs?) to give you a gift out of love. You are making it, instead, all about you and your feelings. Continuing to feel guilty over accepting a gift of love keeps the ball (and thus the control) in your court emotionally. Let it go. Let someone else have the joy of being in control of this one. Day Care Lady should get to feel good about this without having to deal with assuaging your guilt. It’s her gift to give and you only have two options when presented with a gift: yes, I’ll take it, thank you sincerely- or- no, I don’t want this, but thank you anyway. You’ve already accepted the gift. The guilt is just about control, and it will likely drive you mad.
If you tried to give someone…free pet sitting…free baby sitting…free meals…and were met with acceptance but guilt you would feel bad yourself because it was not your intention to make the recipient feel guilty. You wanted them to feel happy. You are in the clear to share the joy that DCL wants to give. If it helps, plan a time to bring up options in the future, like, “Thank you DCL, but in 3 weeks if nothing has changed, I would like to discuss it again.”
Ok, I really do love your blog and I love reading about your life. I may or may not have had to learn this type of lesson before. Heh. Sorry for the rudeness. Let me slink back into my hidey hole now…
“You are in the clear to share the joy that DCL wants to give.”
This, exactly.
I love it when you de-lurk, Allie, for whatever reason!
I’ll try very hard not to feel like I’m taking advantage of her generosity.
It’ll really try.
First of all, ditto to what everyone else has said – take her up on it, pay it forward when you can, give her big-a$$ bonus when you can.
Second, I had Perfect Day Care Lady for 2 years. Then I decided that I wasn’t going to pay her to hold a spot while I was on maternity leave. NOT one of my smarter decisions.
Third, if she makes you any more lamb curry and you are feeling guilty, SEND IT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!
NO, ALL MINE!
Omnomnomnomnom
this is a wonderful offer and a compliment to you as parents and as a family!
i can understand that it is difficult to accept this offer. maybe you can do something for her daycare, like fix things or make signs or do some arts and crafts with or for the kids – you know, non-monetary help for the help you are getting.