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I’m bitter and angry right now, because I just had another if-you-want-milk-then-stop-worrying-at-my-nipple-with-your-razor-sharp-teeth-and-why-don’t-you-love-your-mother? session, which involved more screaming and crying and bleeding on both of our parts.

My right booba was enormous and overflowing with milk, but he didn’t get any because every time I put it in his mouth he pulled back, clamped his teeth down on my nipple, and then tried to PULL IT OFF.

I’ve just pumped a couple of ounces of milk. I’m scared I’m going to lose my milk entirely if this keeps up. Or lose a nipple. Not sure which would upset me more, honestly.

In any case, I know that DH II comes out today and that I probably won’t get to see it for quite a while, so some stuff will leak out to me. Before that happens, I want to set down my criteria for what counts as a “good” movie, before anyone starts telling me how great this one is. I was disappointed with the “great” part I, which was just terrible.

DISCLAIMER:

I enjoy seeing movies that have been made out of books. I don’t hate all of the Harry Potter movies, just the most recent two which diverged heavily from the books for no apparent reason.

I actively love the movie versions of The Princess Bride, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Watership Down, The Last Unicorn, About A Boy, Bridge To Terebithia, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility,  and other great books. Some of these movies changed some major plot points – Bridget Jones’ Diary and About A Boy have drastically different climaxes from the books.

That’s ok.

I don’t require that a movie be a book in movie form. That’s impossible, and stupid. Even Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth one, obviously), which is practically word-for-word from Austen, embellishes from time to time. Books use words, while movies use sound and imagery. You have to tell the story differently, and some things just don’t translate well.

That’s fine.

If the spirit of the story remains, I am happy. You can change the plot, but don’t change the MEANING.

I also require that the movie stand alone from the book. You should be able to watch the movie, and enjoy it, and understand everything that happened, without having read the books.

Therefore, when I watch the movie of a book, I ask myself “would I have understood what was going on if I had not read this book?”

If the answer is “no”, I deem it a bad movie.

That being said, here are my criteria for enjoying Deathly Hallows Part II (warning, spoilers):

No more Nazis. Nazis do not belong in the wizarding world of the 1990s. Just no. Muggle haters do not wear Muggle army uniforms. You might as well make a movie about Hitler’s Germany and dress the Nazis up like Hasidic Jews, or make a movie about Harriet Tubman and put the slave owners in black face. It makes NO SENSE.

I would actually like to see the invisibility cloak. You know, the Deathly Hallow that they cut out of Deathly Hallows Part I.

They need to explain why Harry keeps looking longingly into a shard of glass, because they haven’t done that yet, and that would confuse the hell out of me if I hadn’t read the books.

Ron and Hermione need to make out. Preferably with Harry asking if they can’t “just hold it in a moment”, but that’s not necessary.

Snape’s story needs to be told, because if they don’t explain how he loved Harry’s mother, it all makes no sense.

Mrs. Weasley needs to say “Not my daughter, you bitch!” because that is a classic, classic line. Leaving that out would be like redoing Gone With The Wind and leaving out the “I don’t give a damn” speech.

They need to explain that Harry is a Horcrux. I mean, come on. That’s a big deal.

They need to portray the strength of Harry’s sacrifice, and they can’t mess around with that plot point. If Harry doesn’t offer himself up to Voldemort, and die willingly, and if that then doesn’t create a charm which protects EVERYONE the way that Harry’s mother’s sacrifice protected Harry… then they might as well have not made the movie, because that is the point of the whole series. Everything in Harry Potter leads up to predicting that single moment, and that single moment is what makes Harry Potter excellent literature, and not sensational faddy trash.

I promise, if they keep to this basic basic stuff, I promise I won’t moan too much about anything else.

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