Tags
anxiety, babies, child care, daycare, employment, GAD, jobs
My anxiety levels are through the roof.
I had a lot of anxiety while on vacation and I’m still having it now that I’m back. I don’t know if it’s generally because I’m coming to the end of my maternity leave or what, but today it is DEFINITELY because I’m coming to the end of my mat leave.
I started calling daycares today.
I’ve been putting this off for forever because I just HATE the fact that I even have to put him in daycare at all. In my mind, the person I am leaving him with is immensely fat, sits on a couch all day smoking like a chimney, and hollers,
“Shuttup, I’m watching my STORIES!”
All while my baby crawls around at her feet, sobbing, with his feet entwined by loose electrical cables.
I know what I want to a certain extent:
- I want a home-based, licensed facility. I don’t want a big centre because a) they are more expensive and b) Psychologists are actually concerned about disruption to attachments in babies attending those facilities. They’re fine for bigger kids, but for babies they’re a little too impersonal – too much staff turnover, too different from home etc. On the other hand, a kid DIED in an unlicensed facility just down the road from me and now there is a police investigation.
- I want a caretaker that I can trust and who can serve as Babby’s other attachment figure, the way a grandmother or an aunt would in a simpler society.
- I want someone who is flexible, because I may have to drop Babby off or pick Babby up before/after the traditional 7-5, depending on my work schedule (most vet clinic shifts are either 7 am-2pm or 2pm-8pm). Not to mention that I have no idea what days I’ll be working, or where I’ll be working.
- I want someone who is relatively nearby, since I have no idea what direction I’ll be working in.
This last one seems to be what concerns the daycare ladies the most. One lady, when I asked if she had any spaces for September, snapped,
“Where do you live?”
I described my general location.
“You’re too far from me. I’m in [she named another city that I live on the border of]. I know a daycare closer to you that has a space.” She gave me the contact info and rung off.
Another lady was more laid back about it.
“I’m quite a drive from you, but if you don’t mind travelling…” According to her address, she was only about 10 minutes away.
My initial search for licensed daycares consisted of a 5 km span around my postal code. I’m beginning to realize that this search was too broad, but I don’t know how to narrow it down. The government website that gave me the list seems to have inexplicably quit working.
I have two appointments on Monday to meet with potential daycare providers – both Persian, judging by their names, and both “quite a drive” from me, according to them – but I looked them up on the Fraser Health website and both of them have repeated violations under the inspection list. I don’t know how normal that is.
So, to sum up:
- I don’t know where I’m going to be working
- I don’t know what my hours will be
- I don’t know how to narrow down my 11 page list of potential daycare providers, given that many of them will consider themselves prohibitively far from me
- I don’t know if I will find someone I like
- I don’t know if I will find someone who likes me (somehow the “I don’t know what days/hours I need, I use cloth diapers, and sign language with my baby” spiel may not sell me all that well).
- I don’t know if they will be trustworthy with my baby.
- I feel pressured to make a decision quite quickly lest I lose a space, but am afraid of making a decision TOO quickly and settling with someone I’m not comfortable with.
- I don’t flipping even want to go back to work at all. I want to stay with my baby.
"Oh boy, Mommy's going to leave me with a neglectful weirdo!"
If By Yes 
Ugh! That sucks. I’m sorry that it’s so overwhelming right now. It must be hard enough thinking about having to go back to work even if everything was transitioning perfectly smoothly.
If you need a venting ear or anything, let me know. Sending you good thoughts and hoping that you find someone you feel delighted to have in Babby’s life.
As a former daycare provider who loved many kids over many years, I can say that there can be a very special bond between children and the people who care for them. I know you will find the right person for Babby.
My advice is to actually visit as many as you can. That will give you the best idea of what will work for you. Nothing can compare with your own instinct about what’s right (and from the phone calls you related, it’s sure they aren’t right!)
Is it wrong that I wish that one of the several strangers I know on the internet lived closer so THEY could have my baby?
No, not wrong at all! If I had the $$ I would move to Vancouver to take care of Babby and I’ve only met him electronically. I’ve cloth-diapered 2 kids who still don’t consistently sleep through the night AND I know sign language.
You’d be hired!
Oh, I feel for you! I wish I could help.
I had a mental block toward looking for daycare myself. Around here it’s standard to get on a list while still pregnant but I couldn’t bring myself to act as though I was assuming that we would have a living healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy. Superstitious, I guess – didn’t want to tempt fate, or something.
So I left it far too long and got incredibly lucky to find a community-based centre that has turned out to be wonderful. I didn’t do any looking for home-based daycares so I have no experience there. I’ve since realized things about our daycare that are great that I wouldn’t have thought of to begin with, but you’re right, thinks like cloth diapering wouldn’t work with our centre.
I also didn’t want to leave our baby in care! He was the very youngest one there. 😦
Would it help at all to suggest that there probably isn’t one perfect daycare for you? That many on the 11 page list are probably “just right”, and you don’t have to do the search perfectly?
I’d listen to how I felt when I spoke with the providers on the phone…
I’m thinking of you and sending peaceful thoughts.
I didn’t mean to sound flip. I was absolutely paralyzed by the process. I didn’t want to think about putting him in daycare, and it took all my energy to make one or two phone calls during the day, and the knowledge that I had to make those calls overshadowed everything.
It also seems to be universal that daycare providers are busy providing care, and sometimes hard to get on the phone whey they don’t know you.
But I can’t think of a better way than calls and visits.
I didn’t think you were being flip at all! I’m glad things worked out for you. Here’s hoping!
I like the “visit as many as you can” advice. Also, use word of mouth: ask everyone you know even remotely if they know of a good in-home daycare.
It might actually be to your advantage that you don’t know where you’re working yet. When you find a job, you can ask future co-workers about their current or past childcare arrangements. You can also scout around that neighborhood for bulletin boards, churches, etc., that might have providers looking for kids in the area.
I also like the “visit as many as you can” advice! We visited some that just felt wrong, and the one we ended with just felt right. 🙂
I also agree with asking for recommendations!
Yes, I’m glad I dove right into asking if I could visit, rather than trying to find out more about them over the phone. On the other hand, I’m worried it shows more commitment than I feel.
Curious… have you considered a nanny? Daycares can be so crazy, strict and expensive. Nannies, as people, may be more flexible… So far we’ve had really really good luck and have been so happy with ours.
I know it can be expensive but compared to what people are paying for daycare, I feel like we’re paying just about the same.
I would LOVE a nanny, but it isn’t really an option for us.
a) It’s really not the culture here – they exist, but it’s rare for someone to use one. Like having a maid or something, it’s considered an extravagant luxury.
b) The affordable ones are the live-in nannies, and we just don’t have anywhere to put a nanny. Besides, we want our home to be our own, and I want my baby to myself when I’m not working. The live-out nannies cost as much or more than group daycare, at 1000-1500 a month. I don’t have that kind of moolah, especially since I don’t know where I’m working.
I’ve told my friend @TheSaltedTomato that if she’ll move out to Vancouver, I’ll pay her 600 a month to be my nanny. I’ve made the same offer to various friends around. Oddly, none of them are willing to give up their jobs for 600 bucks a month and day after day of Babby…
I used many home-care providers over the years (none licensed), and I agree with you that they’re a much better fit for young toddlers than a day-care centre. Pie went to a day-care when she was three, and even then I missed the quiet and intimacy of the home-care setting. I would say that the providers we went with varied quite a bit in quality, but by far the best indicator was references – one of the best providers I ever found was someone who made a mediocre impression on me in person, but whose glowing references told the real story. That said, my most beloved day-care provider was just starting out with virtually no references available, but she turned out to be a wonderful woman who truly loved my kids, and I still feel grateful that I was able to have my kids cared for in such a loving environment.
I hope I can find somewhere like that for my Babby!
Aww. (Were you reading MBD this time last year? I was INSANE with worry. But it all worked out well.)
“So, to sum up:”
* I don’t know where I’m going to be working: You’ll figure it out – and it will probably be surprisingly refreshing…
* I don’t know how to narrow down my 11 page list of potential daycare providers, given that many of them will consider themselves prohibitively far from me: Meh – If you can handle the drive, it’ll be fine! And it narrows itself down pretty darn quickly!
* I don’t know if I will find someone I like: Meh – As long as Babby likes them! =)
* I don’t know if I will find someone who likes me (somehow the “I don’t know what days/hours I need, I use cloth diapers, and sign language with my baby” spiel may not sell me all that well).: One of the things that we gave up was cloth diapers – because it was too hard for the dayhome (not even allowed in the registered ones here, I think) and because the volume goes WAY down at 1yr.
* I don’t know if they will be trustworthy with my baby.: They have to be!
* I feel pressured to make a decision quite quickly lest I lose a space, but am afraid of making a decision TOO quickly and settling with someone I’m not comfortable with.: Yes. Well. Been there. SCARY. You’ll get through it…
* I don’t flipping even want to go back to work at all. I want to stay with my baby.: If you HAVE to go back, then… Make a point to enjoy it. Otherwise, it will be hellish. =P
Yes, I remember when you were going through this!
I feel your pain. My youngest is the same age as Babby (give or take a week or two) and I had to go back to work in January – gotta love those draconian US maternity leave policies – so I only had 16 weeks to find daycare in a town where no-one looks after infants. I was able to get her in with the woman who took care of my middle child as a baby and she is . . . unlicensed!! I think this is the first place I have admitted that fact (seems to be a stigma in the US) but she is wonderful. She has been watching babies for 20 years, only keeps 4 kids at a time, and only keeps them until they are two years old. But the best thing is, she loves these babies like they are her own grandchildren. Because she adored my eldest girl, she was willing to take care of the new baby. I hope you can find someone like her.
I’m also very lucky in that I love the daycare my kids move onto when they get older. It is a licensed daycare center, but a small one based on a preschool model with teachers who love the kids and treat them really well.
I’m glad you found somewhere you like! I can’t imagine going back to work while my baby is so young. And here I am moaning about leaving him at a year old!
I know several ladies who run fantastic unlicensed daycares – and I would put him with one of THEM in a heartbeat. However, when considering complete strangers I’m afraid to run the risk!
Are daycares in Canada as expensive as they are here? I of course have no actual figures, but we have realized that of one of us goes back to work, we will spend the majority of that income paying someone to watch the tadpole. Could you live off rice and beans for a few years and stay home? (That is our plan, and then you and I could share R&B recipes).
If not, good luck. I think you have a good gut that will help you when you meet with people.
I don’t know what they cost where you are, but a friend of mine pays $1200 a month for a fancy center daycare (webcams so you can watch the kids from work, etc etc). For a home daycare I’m probably looking more at the $800 a month range. It will certainly eat up a big chunk of my income. Unfortunately, we need that income. We can live on what I am getting now, which is 55% of my previous working pay. But when my mat leave runs out, I’ll lose that income. If I go back to work full time, and pay for daycare, we’ll be making just a bit more than what I’m getting right now…
I feel for you. This would be a really difficult thing for me to do, as well. *sniff, sniff*
Are there any natural parenting/cloth diapering stores near you? How about attachment parenting groups? Can you find some online? Facebook? I’d start there and contact them to see if anyone has any openings or knows anyone who has. You’ll be more likely to find good leads to cloth-friendly, baby-signing care providers that way. That’s what I’d do if I were looking for care for my kids. After that, go bak to the random list.
Good luck!
Hmm… interesting idea, but too difficult I think. Keep in mind how BIG Vancouver is. I came up with an 11 page list of licensed daycares just within 5 km of me. So there are literally thousands around. The chance of a recommended place being a) near me and b) having an opening are slim.
Well, I did mean looking in your neighborhood/community first… I assume there’s more than one baby shop in the greater Vancouver area? 😉 You might find overlap with one of the facilities on your list AND have direct references from like-minded people. Or that was my thinking. But, perhaps not.
Oh, I know that’s what you meant, but here’s the thing – such a group or community would cover a population approximately the size of the population of, say, the entire HRM. It’s still worth a try, I agree, but….
Are there any Waldorf based daycares near you? It might not be your approach to Babby’s education, but all the things you want in a daycare would be met in a Steiner based setting – and they are very calm and nurturing toward little-ones. I don’t know if it would cost more in Canada (same as any other daycare here in NZ)… but it might be worth considering. I feel for you – I went through this with our eldest son and it’s a horrible feeling.
I haven’t spotted any, but that would definitely be a selling point!
Since I already told you to move back to the east coast so Babby could come to *my* dayhome, and you said no (ppfffbbbbttt, BTW), let me say this from the other side…
I had Isaac in a large licensed daycare. He thrived in that environment; it was ideal for his personality and while it was expensive (about $860/month) it worked well for us until James arrived. At that point, I wouldn’t have been earning any money at all after paying to keep them both in care full time.
While I was doing contract work from home, I had them both in an unlicensed dayhome. It started off great; then the woman’s marriage fell apart and the environment became very toxic very quickly. I ended up moving them to another dayhome situation that worked out beautifully (we’re all still friends!) There are no licensed dayhomes here; all you have to go on are references. And I echo what Bea said earlier – those are the *most* important factor. A license is no guarantee of quality care. After all, it was a licensed daycare here that left a two year old behind unsupervised at Fort Needham Park one day after an outing (he was OK, the neighbours rescued him). But if a parent has had a good experience with someone they will be happy to tell you about it, and if they’ve had a bad experience they won’t return your calls. Ask for at least three references and insist on a meeting during regular business hours when you bring Babby along to meet the crew.
As a provider, I have the say the cloth diaper thing *might* not work in a home environment – you would have to do whatever you could to make it easier for the provider. Most daycares & dayhomes don’t accept them because of sanitation / storage of the soiled diapers, but that isn’t to say you can’t ask. Personally I don’t have any cloth diapering kids but I do have one child who uses homemade wipes and has very specific food requirements; it took some adjustment but we’ve made it work, and a good provider will work with you (within reason). I would agree to cloth diapering IF the parents agreed to provide an appropriate receptable and so on. The sign language you’re not going to sell anyone on if they aren’t already using it, I can practically guarantee. When finding a good place, sometimes you will have to make allowances. Particularly if your hours are going to be very early / not consistent. Those kinds of hours are much easier for large daycares to manage; dayhomes have a tougher time, especially with early starts if they have families & children of their own to get going every day (I speak from experience, here. My earliest kid arrives at 7AM and if he wasn’t such a delightful and easy child it would be completely unsustainable.)
Sorry for the long comment but I’m trying to address your specific concerns as if you were one of my potential clients. I know this is firing all your anxiety triggers (and you’re not *really* into it because you don’t want to go back to work) but I would like to speak in defence of good care providers. With only one exception, I love every child I care for very much (and you know the circumstances with that one. And you also know I’ve worked very hard to make that particular situation work. See? GOOD CARE.) Dayhome providers are well aware that we are acting as a surrogate house for your Babby. When you meet the right one, you will know. Trust your instincts. And good luck!
The cloth diapers thing baffles me, really. I know I’m going to face prejudice, but I don’t understand WHY.
I mean, HOW is it different to be storing disposable diapers in the house, vs storing used cloth diapers? Especially since I would take the used diapers home with me at the end of the day, whereas I’m betting people don’t normally cart out their baby’s poop-garbage when they use disposables.
Having used both, I can say that there is NO difference in the changing of a cloth vs the changing of a disposable. Take it off, fold it up, put it in a bag or bin. No extra work involved, and they leak less!
We’ll see how the Monday interviews go. *sigh*
it totally sucks. i ended up with a nanny until my babe was 20 months, until she was old enough for the daycare center near home that i loved loved loved. i think it’s much harder for little babies.
and gah, yours is CUTE.
I wish I could afford a Nanny. But then, if I could, I wouldn’t need to work! /irony.
I had no idea that price was so variable with location. I’m in a big city on the east coast of the US and a live-out nanny here can make 600 in a 40 hour week and I don’t think that’s top dollar. I’ll send you calming and hopeful thoughts!
(Delurking! I’m a long-time reader; I think I came here from Mary P. originally.)
See, nannying appears to be much bigger in the U.S. than in Canada. It must be a cultural thing. As I said, no one really HAS a nanny, here. It’s something only rich people get, and rich people can afford to pay, ergo, nannies are expensive…
Hmm, that’s how nannies are in the midwest of the US (which is where I’m from). I’ll need a new career when I move home because nannies aren’t found on every block like they are here.
I remember going through this. It’s very hard but I think you will be able to tell when you meet someone who will be good for Babby. Take him with you and see how he reacts. And ask for references from other families s/he has minded for. I’d trust other parents’ recommendation over a license – the childminder we used was unlicensed, but her previous family loved her and we loved her too – she’s kind and popular and the sort of person who has all the neighbourhood children playing outside her house.