They say that no matter what you do, nothing will prepare you for the reality of having a child.
I believe them.
In 2004, I was desperate for a dog. My first dog had died when I was in Junior High, and my recently-retired parents didn’t want to be burdened with another. Now I was graduating university and finally in a position to own and care for my own puppy. How can you be a dog trainer if you haven’t owned a dog in your adult life? Would you hire a dog trainer who hadn’t owned a dog in 10 years?
My longing for a puppy was deep and desperate. Checking out good Sheltie breeders, I found a litter that was perfect – exactly what I was looking for – but already born and all spoken for. I wept and wept over those pictures, spilling bitter tears of heartbreak. Yet one of those puppies was to become my Beloved Dog.
“I know were were talking about upcoming litters,” the breeder said to me over the phone, “but I was wondering if you’d be interested in the bi-blue boy from this current litter. He… reminds me a lot of his mother, who is my favourite dog. But right now he’s lined up for a very elderly couple, and… I think this pup would do better in a “performance” home…”
I jumped at the puppy. I knew it would be a challenge. This was a puppy who the breeder felt would be too difficult for a settled and elderly couple. Who better to take him on than an aspiring dog trainer with a diploma in behaviour modification?
When we went to go meet him, the litter jumped all over me except for this one, who roamed obsessively around the room as if unable to keep still. Twenty minutes later, the 6 week old pups were slumbering deeply. But not the bi-blue boy. No, he was still roaring around. He was roaring around a good hour later, when we left.
But, I had read the books! I knew I could handle this puppy. The Culture Clash was my Bible and I read and re-read it obsessively until I knew it by heart. I read Don’t Shoot The Dog, which summarized what I already knew about operant conditioning. I bought a crate and kongs and clickers, spent hours choosing the perfect name, and told everyone my plans for training the heck out of him.
The first week was terrible.
The books all say that puppies that age spend most of their time sleeping. I have since found out that the books are right… about most puppies. But nooooooo. Not MY puppy. We brought that puppy home and he didn’t sleep for 13 hours. He tore around unstoppably for hours and hours, not collapsing into sleep until we physically restrained him in a tight embrace at midnight. He would also stop to dig at the carpet obsessively every few feet. I thought there might be something wrong with his brain.
The books made it sound like puppies constantly piddle everywhere. I have since found out that the books are right… about most puppies. But nooooooo. Not MY puppy. We joked about making his pedigree name “Iron Bladder” because he would go for hours and hours without toileting. The books said to take him outside every hour or two for a potty break so he would develop good habits. The books didn’t say what to do when it’s the end of April in Nova Scotia, and four in the morning, and you’ve been standing outside shivering for forty five minutes, covered in dew, waiting for your puppy to pee. And then, when you admit defeat and bring him in to get warm because the poor thing is soaked and shivering, he does what the books say you should never allow to happen, and pees right there on the floor.
It was around day 5 that I cracked.
Part of it was the sleep deprivation. I was getting up diligently in the night, every two or three hours, to take my little Iron Bladder outside for what my father referred to as “evening constitutionals”.
The rest of it was high expectations. I wasn’t prepared to get a puppy who hadn’t read the books. I wasn’t prepared for the books to let me down. I had expected to be awesome, and now I felt like I was messing everything up. When my puppy wouldn’t take the high value treats I offered him, I despaired that this un-motivated puppy would never be the dog I wanted. When my puppy pooped on the floor for the third time in a row, I felt sure that he would never be properly house trained, because he was picking up bad habits and I was failing him as a trainer. When my puppy preferred digging at the rug over interacting with me, I was sure that we would never bond.
I felt helpless. I felt frustrated. I felt like a failure.
Every mistake I made felt like a knell of doom; one that would have lasting repercussions forever.
I felt bogged down by this woolly little nightmare who was nothing that I had ever imagined.
All the books in the world had not prepared me for the reality of this puppy.
Ok… I’m going to read into this post a bit and comment about new babies.
Key to having a baby? LOW EXPECTATIONS. If you have LOW EXPECTATIONS for yourself, LOW EXPECTATIONS for baby… You’ll be fine. =)
Your goals in the first few weeks/months should be: Keep baby safe, fed, clean. Everything else? Meh. (The sleep deprivation hit me hard starting at about 5 months. Some people get hit sooner if they don’t have a good napper, or if they have a colicky baby. Do get help when you need it. =)
You know, if you had told me that BEFORE I got that dog, I would have been like “yeah, yeah” and immediately started reading up on how to sleep train a two month old.
But now… I BELIEVE YOU.
That puppy experience sounds like REALLY good preparation for having a baby. My babies didn’t do what the books said either – being let down by books is one of the most salient experiences of motherhood for me. The nice part was that Pie’s sleep developed on exactly the same schedule as Bub’s so although neither of them bore any relation to what the books said they would be doing, I went into that second baby, at least, with a good idea of what to expect and a thorough mistrust of baby-care manuals.
The good news is, the most hyper baby in the world could not compete with my furbaby when he was a puppy.
Well, if it’s any consolation at all, I was waaaaaay more stressed dealing with a puppy than a newborn human baby. (Maybe that was intuition trying to tell me something… :P)
Natalie hit the nail on the head. Don’t bother making specific plans, except to get everyone as much sleep as possible and establish a good breastfeeding relationship. Go with the baby’s flow. And my personal assvice: take it easy for the first week or so, ’cause you’ll heal faster and feel better in the end (ask me how I know).
That’s why I have my mommy coming down to help. I’ma sit in bed and get pampered!
And then what happened? Presumably things got better with the puppy, as he turned into Beloved Dog? I want to hear how the story goes on.
It’s really hard not to feel like a failure when your child, or your dog for that matter, doesn’t do what s/he’s meant to do, and really important to let go of that feeling because it leads to resenting the child/dog and ceasing to see them for themselves; the unhappy inadequate feeling becomes a barrier between you and them. I can’t say I have this sorted, but I’m trying. My elder son is gorgeous and funny but soooo frustrating sometimes…
Will post the sequel in a bit :-p
I’m with Natalie too on this one- I too thought my dog would be like the books and he’s not. At all. They sure are cute though aren’t they??
Adorable, and worth every moment of diarrhea/vomit scrubbing. And I got the hang of Real Dogs, so I assume that I will eventually get the hang of Real Babies.
You know more about this going in to it than I did, girl. You’re on the right track.
At least cleaning up poopy bums will be old hat for me. Speaking of which, I need to go shave my dog’s ass…
Add to that crying that can only be stopped by you walking around the house – NO sitting! They know when you sit! And then pooping. And then figuring out how the two of you can best breastfeed. And being the SOLE provider for nourishment. And trying to sleep when your newborn is “sleeping” and making the zillions of noises that newborns make so that you think they’re waking up every two seconds. My first two weeks were, well, awful. My husband and I said last night that we do not look back on them fondly. My suggestion? When your mom is there, take advantage of her! If she’ll do it for a few nights, have her sleep in another room with the baby and just bring her in to you for feeding. Once you’re done, have your mom take her to get her back to sleep. It’ll make your mom tired, but have her sleep some during the day. My mom did this for me for about a week and it was a lifesaver. Eventually, you’ll get the hang of it, though, and it’ll all be good! But, they’re definitely right. No one can prepare you. (But having a child is pretty amazing. Once those first few weeks were over!)
Pingback: What No One Told Me About Parenthood « If By Yes
Pingback: 2010 in review (according to Wordpress) « If By Yes
Pingback: Happy Canada Day! I have poop and anxiety. « If By Yes
Pingback: Dear History: Please Don’t Repeat Yourself, For The Love Of Beloved Dog « If By Yes
Pingback: Potty Training: NO MORE EXCUSES « If By Yes
Pingback: Miss Pepper « If By Yes