I don’t like change at all.
I live in a perpetual state of nostalgia for whatever used to be, always worrying that the now is never going to compare to what has passed, always fearing that I will never be as happy in the future.
I hated moving to Curacao, and I hated moving back to Canada. I didn’t want to leave my high school, and sobbed like a baby in my mother’s arms the night before I started university. I loved my university so much that I still miss it, so I sobbed and then suffered depression when I graduated from it. I even found it difficult to leave a job I hated when I got my dream job.
The only transitions I never found difficult involved being with Perfect Husband. Practically from the moment we agreed to date, we were talking about moving in together. He waited a year to propose, but that was more out of propriety than any kind of insecurity on his part. I was afraid of moving to BC, but I was so happy just to be with him that I piled my stuff into my car and drove across the country with him happily. I would change continents with him in a heart beat. I was so happy on my wedding day that I was shaking in nervousness, but not frightened.
But all the rest of change – terrifying.
Now I’m about to have my life get turned upside down. OUR life turned upside down. FOREVER.
And I’m freaking out.
Why on Earth did I ever allow myself to conceive a child? I mean, sure, I’ve been broody since I was 16 and fell in love with my baby-think-it-over. I loved caring for a baby robot, but so what? Sure, I’ve been mentally explaining things like boiling water and how brakes work to my imaginary future children for decades. Sure, the whole time PH and I were on our honeymoon we were thinking how much we wanted to bring our kids back there with us some day. Sure, I nearly cried when holding a coworker’s newborn baby last year.
But why did I think any of that meant I was ready for a baby?? I should have left well enough alone. Holy crap, what have I done??
Awww, you’ll be fine. Remember, it’s a lot like a puppy, only with far less fur. (Hopefully.)
But I hear people frown on crating it when you go out :-p
Hi, I'm Natalie. said:
It’ll be the best change. Ever.
I hope you’re right, because it’s a little late to hit the”undo” button!
I hate transitions too, and for me, having a baby was pretty much the biggest and most traumatic transition ever. That said, I overestimated at the time how permanent that transition was. Everybody told me, “Your life is going to change – nothing will ever be the same again.” And of course that’s true, but what would have been more true (but longer) would have been to say, “Your life will change completely, and it will be totally unrecognizable for awhile, and you’re going to find that really hard, and it’s going to take you a long time to figure out who you are in all that. And then, gradually, you’ll start getting a fair bit of your old life back, and the stuff that doesn’t change will start to feel normal too, and then eventually being a parent will just feel comfortable and right, to the point where you don’t even have anything to blog about anymore.” That’s the one thing I really miss about all the trauma of new motherhood – it made for excellent blog fodder.
Thank you. I will try and remember that!