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Results of the 37 week OB appointment today:

Positive for Group B Strep, which means I have to drop everything and go get penicillin if my water breaks, which means that I’ll probably have all of my natural flora wiped out by the antibiotics, which means I’ll probably have problems with mastitis and thrush and breast feeding will be hell (I know you all appreciate my sunny and positive outlook on life – don’t try to deny it!).

I am officially out of torso. I have always been a stubby little body on out-of-proportion legs, with my hips starting pretty much right below my rib cage. I am now “all baby” according to the OB, which explains why he is moving around less vigorously recently. Don’t worry, he’s fine – he FLIPPED OUT at his father’s opening night on Thursday, when all the actors started shouting, and there were death threats being bellowed everywhere. He tried to claw his way right out of my uterus (to hell with “birth”) and I ended up instinctively wrapping my arms around him protectively until things calmed down. It occurs to me that he had never heard raised voices before. Ever. So anyway, he’s still in there and he’s fine; he’s just getting cramped. The heartburn and inability to breathe lying down confirm this theory.

I am so puffy that the OB noticed it just while measuring my belly. She poked at my stomach and said “I can tell your wife is retaining a lot of water,” to Perfect Husband. I went on to moan to her about the inability to bend my knees, fit into shoes, or look attractive. She nodded, and said “your chart says you have gained 12 pounds in the last two or three weeks. You gained five in the last seven days. That’s just not possible. That isn’t WEIGHT. That’s water. Your blood pressure is good – 122/68, so there’s nothing to worry about. You’ll drop the fluid when the baby is born.”

The inexplicable rash is finally gone. This actually didn’t get discussed, but it’s the first time my OB has lifted up my shirt without looking concerned and saying “does that itch?” so I think it’s official. I can still see where it was, but it is just a mark, now, like the stretch marks around it. It only took several months of anti-fungals to shift the dang thing!

And… that’s about all my news.

tl;dr: I’m a waterballoon crawling with group B streptococcus, but it’s okay, because Babby is fine, and has already shown an introverted disposition.

Also, I think Perfect Husband is starting to get jumpy. I sent him a casual text message a good hour before his play started yesterday, and nearly gave him heart failure.