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Perfect Husband hates my therapist because she makes me cry. He keeps threatening to “kick her inna box”.

But it’s not like she pokes me with sticks. She just brings up those words – those words that you avoid saying because they make you cry.

Homesick

Money

Worry

Family

Guilt

Self-Blame

Forgiveness

Hurt

She got me to read The Power of Now, and it says that true peace is found in acceptance of the Now. Which means I need to accept that I’m far from home, that my baby shower only had five attendees and four gifts, and that money is very tight because I got laid off and so stopped working a good three months earlier than we had budgeted before I got pregnant.

I need to accept these things so I can truly enjoy the good things – the generosity of people who have given me handmedowns ranging from exersaucers to breast pumps, from baby gyms to baby clothes. The support of friends willing to give up a precious day off to paint my nursery for me. Loving cousins who send me more than enough money to cover the expense incurred by the painting of said room. The fact that someone DID throw me a shower, with balloons and punch and food (most of which sadly went uneaten as it was vastly above and beyond the number of people who decided to show up) and shower games. That one of the guests spent three hours decorating an amazingly beautiful cake, with my future child’s name written in icing. That someone who has barely known me for a year or so went to the trouble of making an intricate cross-stitch -framed- with my son’s name on it, and a blank space for her to embroider his birth day and weight when he is born.

So amazing, so touching. The kindness of people. I try to focus on that, but trying to push away the other feelings just doesn’t work. the more you push them away, the more determined they become.

Like a cat.

I need to welcome those bad feelings, accept them, and so let them go.

But that’s dang hard, you know?

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