Ob Gyn again today. Everything went fine, and they found the babby’s heart beat this time! 160 beats per minute. He/She kept darting away from the doppler. Weird to think there’s something moving in there that I can’t even feel. Even weirder that I found further proof today that the baby is healthy and moving…but don’t even feel excited.

I’ve been feeling really, really low the last couple of days. Poor husband is all worried and sad because I am all listless and sad. I’m so tired, and I don’t even know why I’m sad. I’m still happy about the baby. But I feel so fat, and so useless. My pregnancy nose overwhelms me with disgusting smells ekeing from mysterious places in my house. I have a long list of stuff that needs doing which I continue to not do because I’m so tired all the time. Clearly I’m not competent enough to take care of myself, let alone a child. I keep gaining weight, but the only things I seem to be able to eat are things that make me gain weight. Eating meat makes me feel sick, so I live on carbs. But if I don’t eat at all… I feel sick. So I keep getting fatter. Even maternity clothes shopping isn’t really fun, just a struggle to find something that doesn’t make me look like a big fat pilgrim.

I’ve looked forward to being pregnant since I was a kid, when I would stick a stuffed animal in my Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls and pretend I was having a puppy. I always anticipated with glee the day when I would be shopping for maternity clothes, giggling at the fake bump pillow and enjoying finding things that showed off my belly after years of trying to hide the damn thing. But I just felt tired and fat all over, and as if it wasn’t even worth trying to find something flattering.

I should just put on a voluminous muu muu and accept that I will be one of those people who look like bloated ugly bags of mostly water during their pregnancy, instead of looking vibrant and glowingly gravid. The baby will probably take one look at me, and say “put me back in.”

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