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If By Yes

Monthly Archives: September 2009

Just in case you were wondering…

29 Tuesday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Me vs The Sad

≈ 2 Comments

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depression

No, the depression isn’t better. It’s worse. Two Saturdays ago, I came dangerously close to purposely driving into a tree. I’m starting to want to hurt myself. I have nowhere to turn. No one who wants to help me, or even seems to care. All my friends live out East, and their time zones are totally incompatible with me calling them when I get home from work. There are times when I feel like the only people living out here who give half of a damn about it are… the people from out East – my husband and a couple old friends who have moved out here. And they can’t help me.

Perfect Husband can’t find any GPs in the area taking new patients. Even the ones LISTED as taking new patients on the college of physicians and surgeons website aren’t taking new patients. Unless you’re pregnant. Which I am very not.

Oh, and I got turned down for long term benefits by our mortgage and life insurance, because I have been diagnosed with depression.

Isn’t that grand?

I’ve got to get me some of this

28 Monday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Life and Love, Pointless Posts

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Dog Physics

28 Monday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Damn Dogs, Life's Little Moments

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dogs

I am discovering that where one lives on two levels, and where occupants of the house are equal to or less than the number of dogs in the house, it is not physically possible for a person to exist on a floor of the house which does not contain at least one dog.

It doesn’t matter if one of them is sleeping in an entirely different room when you change floors, or scratching an itch. They come running. I think that if I tried to go down or up the stairs and didn’t hear a frantic “thump thump thump thump” behind me as the dogs raced to get to the next floor at the same time as myself, I’d be confused and possibly would experience vertigo.

Is that a toilet I see before me?

28 Monday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Life and Love

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

drinking, getting old, hangover

Apparently, I’m old now.

My mother has never been able to hold her liquor and get “drunk”. Before she hits that stage, she gets sick. Tipsy or ill, these are her options. On my 24th birthday, I hit that point for the first time. Now, I’m not sure whether that was because I was ageing, or because I drank more than I ever had before (trying to drown the fact that my ex boyfriend was sitting right next to me the whole time and while regretting agreeing to have my party at his house). All I know is, I threw up when I got home.

Since then, that state has come to me more and more often. I get tipsy, and then if I push the limits, I throw it back up.

This never used to happen in university days.

On Friday, though, I discovered a new low. I had three or four glasses of champagne with Perfect Husband, celebrating the survival of another week (don’t even get me started into the hullabaloo of him wanting me to take a pregnancy test first, then finding we were out, and him insisting on going to Shopper’s to get one before we could pop the cork).  I didn’t get sick, though. I was a little dizzy when we went to bed, but I slept sound.

And then I spent all Saturday throwing up, lying around the house and groaning while Perfect Husband stroked my hair.

I’ve never been hungover before. Ever. And that I could hit this state for the first time after a few glasses of champagne…

I must be getting old.

Trashtacular

24 Thursday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Pointless Posts, Well, That's Just Stupid

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

cable tv, i didn't know I was pregnant, trashy

You see, we don’t pay for television.

Me, I hate commercials, and I hate people flipping to other channels during commercials even more than I hate the commercials. I hate not getting to pick when I get to watch what, and I hate that just as I get caught up in an episode, it ends on a “to be continued…” which of course I never remember to watch the next week.

I also carry some baggage from a previous relationship. My ex believed that television was for all the time. When you wake up. When you’re sleeping. When you’re not even home. The TV always had to be on. I didn’t sleep well for five years.

Anyway, we’ve never felt the need to pay a monthly fee to bring television into our lives. I buy DVDs of all my favourite shows, which I enjoy much more being able to watch in bulk and in quick succession. Perfect Husband manages to get the news and some important sports games using our rabbit ears (remember those)? Which means that our HD TV, Moby, wears rabbit ears. On the shelves below him sit an original NES and N64. Yes, we are hip happening people.

Unfortunately, our new house doesn’t get quite the range of channels using the rabbit ears. We get CBC, of course, and some kind of ethnic channel which plays Hispanic religious programs subtitled in Portuguese, and Iranian Pop (yes, those are real examples). Perfect Husband wanted to watch some big football game, but he was having no luck. So on the off chance that the previous tenants had not unhooked their cable, he dug out an old connector thingy and plugged it in.

Voila. Cable TV.

We probably only have it for a couple weeks to a month, until the cable people get around to dropping by and shutting it off. In the mean time, however, we’ve been gaping at the vast array of complete garbage that we can now access on a regular basis.

…Which is how we ended up watching “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Now, I understand that some people really don’t show when they’re pregnant. Maybe you are rather heavy to begin with. Maybe you were told that you were hopelessly infertile. Maybe you have an alien living inside you, so you mistook fetal movements for a restless night Chez ET. But I still hold that the majority of the people appearing on that show definitely fall in the subnormal range of intelligence.

“Even though they weren’t using any form of birth control, Lola found no cause for concern when she skipped her period every now and then.”

“Hello, 911? My coworker just pooper a baby into the toilet. What do I do?”

This last one was the real kicker. I’m sorry. It must be shocking for your unpregnant coworker to suddenly dump a baby into the toilet. It must be appalling for you to get constipated on a camping trip and then drop a baby onto the hard cement floor of a camping facility restroom. There would be shock. There would be fear. But in what world is it NOT someone’s first instinct to grab the baby OUT of the toilet and ask questions later? And how do you stare at a baby, who just landed on its head, lying on a dirty cement floor and not immediately snatch it up?

It seems like it should be an instinct. Baby = under water. Grab first, ask questions later.

But who am I to judge.

In any case, watching cable last night was like gorging on a feast of Fast Food Trash. I feel replete, and a little guilty about it.

…I wonder if it’s on again tonight?

Clean pants are for suckers

22 Tuesday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Damn Dogs, Pointless Posts

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

dogs, work

As I wipe dog drool and kibble crumbs off of my fingers and on to my jeans for the umpteenth time in a given day, I think of office workers in black slacks and white button downs, talking on phones in their cubicles, and I wonder what they would think of my idea of professional conduct.

I’ll say something deep tomorrow, maybe

18 Friday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Belly Battles, Me vs The Sad, Perfect Husband

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

date night, Perfect Husband, tgif, work

Today was one of those days where I felt overcome with loneliness and despair all day, with headaches and unstoppable tears for no good reason.I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, way behind on my paperwork, the house still isn’t done being unpacked, and I don’t feel like anyone from West of Ontario thinks I’m worth anything, and I can’t blame them one bit.

…But that doesn’t matter now because it’s Friday and Perfect Husband is taking me on a date night! He made reservations at a fancy restaurant and everything.

DATE NIGHT!

Look at that, happiness is still within my grasp.

Out, damn spot!

12 Saturday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in The House Saga, Well, That's Just Stupid

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

carpets, damage deposit, idiocy, landlords, money, Perfect Husband

Early in our tenancy of our last apartment, we accidentally spilled canola oil all over the carpet, smack in the middle of the living room. Thus began the War Of The Stain. For the next year, we battled that oil stain.

We soaked up as much oil as paper towels would hold. This went on quite literally for weeks. In between paper towel changes, we attacked that stain with every method known to man.

We scrubbed it with dish soap and water, and flooded it with white vinegar.

We threw powders down to soak up the stain and then vacuumed up the powder.

We tried professional solutions from Rona.

We even rented a steam cleaner and attacked the spot, which disappeared beautifully for a little while and then, like a ghostly blood stain in a horror novel, it reappeared, dark and incriminating.

It was unsightly. It was embarrassing. After several months of scrubbing and moaning and worrying and trying new suggestions from the Internet, we covered it over with a large white rug from Ikea, and tried to forget about it. Every time we lifted it up to vacuum, I would try again, fruitlessly, to lighten the stain with more vinegar. More soapy water. More Nature’s Miracle. But nothing worked.

For 12 months, that spot’s existence laid heavy on my soul. It felt like the physical example of the things wrong in my life – my frustrations with my work, my struggle with my weight, my depression. It was all the fault of that damn spot!

Before we moved out, I insisted on hiring a professional cleaning service to clean that carpet. Perfect Husband warned me that it probably wouldn’t work and that we should just kiss our damage deposit goodbye, but I wanted to try. So we hired a carpet cleaning company… and hallelujah, the stain came out. Unfortunately, our landlord’s wife had to let the cleaners in, so she saw the stain before they could remove it.

” I was really relieved that stain came out” she said to us when we came to do the apartment inspection that night.

“So am I!” I said, “I was really worried.”

“Because that carpet was pretty new.”

“I know, it was an accident. I’m glad it came out.”

“I was really worried, you know. Because that carpet was pretty new.”

“Yeah… I know.”

Our relief lasted three days, until we started getting calls from our landlord (whom we unaffectionately nicknamed Semen Breath for no particular reason).  The stain had returned, and further attempts by the cleaners (free of charge) had not been successful.  I was always apologetic, but they wanted to speak to my husband about it. The SB family has always persisted in dealing with my husband, since my husband is clearly The Man Of The House and thus in charge of all financial decisions. However, Perfect Husband, being a banker, can’t just pick up his cell phone in the middle of the work day the way I, as a dog trainer, can. We have told them this many times. But would they deal with me? No.

Whenever Perfect Husband called back they were out, so he left messages indicating that they could take the damage deposit if they needed to. Mrs. SB called again today. Twice. Wanting to talk to my husband. I left her a message saying (again) that they could take it from our damage deposit. When she caught him home, my husband’s side of the conversation went like this:

“I’m not sure what else there is to say… I’ve already said in my messages that you can keep our damage deposit if you need to…

“…I’m sorry to hear that. Well, obviously you have to do what you have to do…

“…Yes, well, you have our damage deposit. If you need to take more of it, then you need to take more of it. We understand that we are financially obligated to let you keep that money to repair…

“…Well… if that’s the case, I’m sorry to hear that, but we are only financially responsible for the amount of our damage deposit…

“…No, it was not pet related, so you can’t actually take it out of our pet deposit. That is a separate deposit and you cannot legally take it for damages not related to the pets…

“…If that ends up being the case, I’m sorry to hear that. But you can only charge us for the damage deposit. We are only financially responsible for up to that amount…

“…As I’ve said, if you need to keep our damage deposit, we understand and you have the legal right to do so…

“…No, we can’t give you more money than that. We gave a damage deposit…”

and so on.

They still insisted on meeting with him in person. He tried to get them to stop into my work on Monday, where I could easily put a dumbbell down for five seconds to sign a release of our damage deposit, but of course my signature isn’t worth anything, because I’m just a woman. So he has to go in to them tomorrow, and fight with them further about the extra money. I’ve added it up, and they have called us like fifteen times over the last week, and we keep telling them the same thing. At what point does this become harassment?

Owning property has its pains, but I am very glad I will never have to deal with landlords again.

Or that damn spot.

Worst. Parents. Evar.

11 Friday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in Pointless Posts, Well, That's Just Stupid

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

kids, parenting

Yes, yes, I have internet again and that’s good. But first…

Sometimes I worry that I’ll be a bad parent.

Other times, I see stuff like this.

Shhh. You’ll wake the boxes.

04 Friday Sep 2009

Posted by IfByYes in The House Saga

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

moving house, unpacking

So, we’re moved in, but we’re still not unpacked. Like, at all. Okay, that’s not true. The other night, i worked til 10:30 at night finding plates and glasses and putting them in cupboards, while Perfect Husband sweated it out upstairs trying to get two computer desks to fit against one wall in our new study (aka second bedroom) because otherwise WHERE WOULD WE PUT THE BOOK SHELVES. If necessary, we might have had to dump the bed and sleep in a heap by the door because beds we can live without but BOOKS are IMPORTANT.

Luckily that was not necessary, although there is still a pile of bags in the kitchen containing such mundane things as cutlery and cooking utensils, because we discovered that while cupboard space in our new kitchen is ample, drawer spaces is not. These are not real drawers. They are like a litter of baby drawers, huddled under the counter and waiting for their mama who went out foraging for steak knives and never returned home. They can’t handle the adult needs of my bamboo flat-ware sorter, or my extra wide spatula. For now, our everyday flatware is lying in a sad pile on the contact paper in one of the muppet baby drawers, and everything else is in bags. What should we do, designate a cutlery cupboard?

It’s all very vexing.

On top of that, the place is filled with boxes, electrical outlets with their covers still removed from the painting spree, garbage bags with labels that say things like “Stuffies and soccer clothes” or “Papers n Junk” that don’t fit neatly into any categoryand therefore get left last for unpacking.

Mornings contain conversations like “Do you think this tie is too wrinkled for work?” and “have you seen a clean pair of underwear? No, MY underwear.”

Breakfasts involve leftover Kraft dinner from three days before we moved, and double cheeseburgers fridged from the night before, because we still can’t cook because WHERE WOULD THE UTENSILS GO? Our fridge contains beer (which neither of us drink, but was used as a bribe to get people to help us move, the suckers), diet Pepsi (without which I cannot live), and condiments.

Meanwhile work has been insane lately. Shockingly enough, home is not restful right now, because it’s room after room of “you have far too much to do to consider resting.”

Thank heavens it’s the long weekend – now I can spend the next three days trying to sort linens dumped out of garbage bags into some sort of system that is more complex than “in that pile, there.”

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