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This is the second month in a row that my period has been not just tardy, not just fashionably late, but the where-the-hell-have-you-been-and-why-didn’t-you-call-me kind of late. I started tracking my period at the beginning of the year and was surprised and delighted to find out that I was your standard, dirt-average 28 day girl. I felt like I should be showing my uterus off in company, getting it to perform tricks while people oohed and ahhed at its regularity.

Then, in June, we decided to stop using condoms, and not two weeks later, the depression breakdown happened and the decision to wait for babies (although this was a cerebral, rather than a physical, decision since the depression doesn’t really have me in the baby-making mood very often anyway). Since then, it’s like my uterus is sulking. My last period came stumbling in the door, drunk and angry, at five in the morning – not the next day, or the day after, or the day after THAT, but a full four days late. Perfect Husband and I were wondering if perhaps there had been a chemical pregnancy kind of situation.

But my next period, (according to the old standard) is once again three days late. I took a test (by the way – peeing onna stick? Easiest test ever) the day after it was due despite an eager husband practically waving a pregnancy stick in my face on the day of, because (I reminded him) first morning pee is the best pee.

Then, of course, I stumbled into the bathroom, scratching myself, first thing the next morning and peed without a stick, and ended up giving my husband a contrite second-thing-in-the-morning pee-onna-stick later on. Lines formed so quickly on the test that my brain started screaming HOLY SHIT YOU’RE PREGNANT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOUR BODY IS A FRIGGING MIRACLE in a way that was so purely shock that there was no room for any other form of emotion other than shock… until somewhere under the shock-disbelief-holy-shit-screaming some part of my brain realized that one line was the control line, and the other was a negative.

On the day AFTER, the test should definitely be reliable, even if the pee was contrite second pee instead of accurate first pee, and you’re probaby all correct that this is a depression/stress thing.

…But it’s very weird to be walking around the house, realize that you have What To Expect When You’re Expecting in the bathroom, What To Expect the First Year in the living room, folded baby clothes on the dresser in the bedroom (…look, that’s another story, ok? I may tell it if any of you express curiosity) a used pregnancy test in the bathroom wastepaper basket, and a missing period… but are free to drink a Smirnoff Ice.