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Can I just say that I hate it when people who don’t have eating problems act like those of us who do are simply being lazy/greedy/stupid?

Things I am tired of hearing:

  • “Have you tried exercising?”
  • “Have you tried just eating healthier, instead of dieting?”*
  • “Can’t you just eat less?”

*people are vague about what constitutes “healthier” but they’re pretty sure that it means whatever they are eating for lunch that day, which I am not.

It’s that last one that gets me the most. Like, I’m looking up depression and carb cravings on Web MD, and a helpful little link promises to tell me “How to Stop Overeating.”

So I’m like “YES. I NEED THIS.”

I click on it.

It tells me:

“Want to lose weight — or maintain a healthy weight? Practicing portion control will ensure you don’t supersize your servings and help you control the amount of food you eat… “

…followed by a series of pictures of tiny portions of delicious looking fish sticks, french fries, and macaroni and cheese with breaded chicken breast, thus clearly indicating that I can have all the carbs I want, as long as I stop being such a greedy hog.

So… the way to stop overeating is to not overeat? IN WHAT WORLD IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE HELPFUL? Thanks for NOTHING.

I could write articles like this, too. Look:

How to Avoid Cancer

Worried you might develop breast cancer and die after a mastectomy followed by excruciating chemotherapy? The answer is to not develop neoplastic cells in the first place. These cells are the root to all cancers, so by avoiding the development of neoplastic cells (particularly of the metastatic variety) you will ensure a long and cancer-free existence!

How Not To Drown At Sea

Worried that you will drown should you fall off the side of a cruise ship – or simply nervous of the swimming pool? When you find yourself sinking in an endless ocean of roiling waves, be sure to start swimming as soon as possible. By swimming, the motion of your arms and legs will use water resistance to keep your head close to the precious oxygen that your body so desperately needs.

How To Stop Biting Your Nails

Are your fingernails pinkish stubs, and do your hangnails take the attention away from your Flock of Seagulls hairstyle? Try taking your fingers out of your mouth, you orally fixated freak! By not putting your fingers in your mouth, you not only avoid appearing as if you stopped developing emotionally at the age of five, but you prevent accidentally ingesting contagious diseases, and your manicure technician will not want to curl up in the fetal position, weeping, upon viewing the workload you have placed before her.

…I hope the writers of articles like these get a taste of their own medicine some day.

That’s right. I’m willing to wish uncontrollable carb cravings onto other people out of a misdirected desire for retribution. I’m BADASS.