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Another snippet from my Twilight parody. I hope it will make you smile.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. I ignored the part of my brain that squealed girlishly at the excitement of actually touching him. It was just his goddamn shirt.

Listen, I don’t know anything about dating or romance, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not normal to just tell someone ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to make you like me’. It comes across a little desperate, you know? That’s not so hot.”

You do like me,” he replied frankly, meeting my eyes. “I know that. We have a lot in common. If I take meals at regular times I can keep up with you intellectually, and I’m the closest thing to a friend you have here so far. I know all of this. But I can’t make you feel more for me than that, and I don’t want to force you into anything you aren’t comfortable with. I just want to be helpful to you, to be useful to you, to make you more comfortable, and not less. I want to make your days better, and not worse. So I am telling you now – tell me to jump, and I will ask how high.

“Tell me to carry your books, fetch your lunch, sort your notes, and I will do it. Tell me to leave you alone and not talk to you any more, and I will do that too. Anything you ask… and I will do it. It’s not a plea, it’s not a bribe. It just is what it is, because I am what I am. “

He paused, and looked at me. He was so calm. Not desperate or crazy or anything, just serene and still slightly monotone. He held me with his eyes and I felt transfixed.

Tell me,” he whispered. “Tell me what you want, anything, and I promise I will do it.”

This is the moment, I thought.

I could tell him “kiss me,” and he would do it. I could see it in my mind’s eye. The students getting off of their buses, the whoosh of cars driving by in the rain, all of that faded into the background. There was just me, and him, and his eyes.

I paused, trying to work up the words. I was trying to reconcile who I was with who I could be. No, Stella Blunt has never been a sap for boys with pretty words (mostly because no boys had ever approached her with pretty words). No, Stella has never done the kissyface stuff. Yes, Stella has always been the “ugh, get a room” type when passing people making out against a locker.

But Stella could change, right?

I opened my mouth, and I seriously thought I was going to be able to do it. My whole life, my whole sense of self was about to change. This could be a moment I would remember for the rest of my life. My first kiss?

Then I felt a spasm of panic and instead my mouth said, “so, what, like if I asked you to step in front of a speeding car, you’d do it?”

And the moment broke, and he smiled and stepped back, and while I was wishing I could grab those words and stuff them back into my mouth, he took another step back and

BAM

A car appeared where he had just been standing, and there was a shout of shock from all the people around us. I heard a wet thud as Howie’s body landed on the pavement.

Oh, SHIT.

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