Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?
Do you trust it?
I hope you always will
I find the concept of self-esteem to be a complicated thing, because if you asked me if I generally have a good opinion of myself, I would say “yes”.
- I think that I am basically a good person who tries to do the right thing.
- I think that I am reasonably intelligent – above average, though not a genius
- I think I have a modicum of writing talent.
- I think that I can train dogs well enough.
- I believe that I deserve good treatment, and that I deserve the love that my son, my husband, and my parents (although PH would argue that I harbour far too many doubts about his affection, I actually do believe that he loves me – I just worry sometimes about him stopping).
- I generally like myself and would be friends with me if I weren’t me.
- I also see myself as slim, winsome, childlike (but not childISH), occasionally wise, often clever, well-read, and generally likeable.
So that sound like a fairly health self-esteem, doesn’t it?
what's not to like?
But here’s the thing:
I’m also fairly convinced that my self-image is incorrect.
For one thing, I find that most people are incorrect in their self-perception.
(Sample quote: “I’ve never been mean to anyone in my life,” – Mean Vet).
Self-perception and reality are tenuously connected at best. Thus an anorexic looks at skin-and-bones in the mirror and somehow sees fat, while I see myself as thin, and occasionally am flabbergasted by a photograph which shows a Carol I barely recognize.
The world is full of hypocrisy, and I really have no interest in being a part of it. So I am constantly examining myself, wondering if I really behave the way I think I do.
And that’s were my self-esteem falls apart, because I trust the opinion of others over my own.
From what I can gather through objective observation, people actually find me scattered, socially inept, off-putting, and clumsily incompetant.
My psychiatrist seems to think that I may be jumping to conclusions. But how do you tell the difference between being objective and being negative?
I have this problem whenever I get into a disagreement with someone, or I get scolded at work for something I thought I was doing right. I start to see the situation – and myself – from their point of view and then get upset that I was so off in my perception of reality/the truth.
While this doesn’t sway me from an objective argument – i.e. something which is not directly pertaining to myself – I immediately defer to anyone’s opinion regarding myself.
What’s that? You think I’m an evil war monger who eats babies?
Mmmm! BABY EATING
Gee, I had no idea that I came off that way. I’m going to go crawl into a hole and deconstruct everything I have ever said or done now. If you’re looking for me, you’ll find me buried under the wreckage of my fragile self-esteem.
My psychiatrist seems to think that this is a bad strategy.
She points out that I put far more weight on people’s negative reactions than on their positive reactions. But after all, you KNOW a negative reaction is honest, whereas compliments are often false or calculated.
Then there’s the ratio to think about. Praising people is nice, and polite, and just makes everyone feel fuzzy. Criticism feels terrible to deal out, and so is best only done when absolutely necessary. Therefore, praise should always be more plentiful than criticism.
And yet, no one ever seems to want to tell me that I’ve done something right. In the last three jobs I have had, I could probably count on one hand the number of positive reactions I had from my bosses. The only reason I can think of for this must be that I simply never do anything worth praising.
That just seems like logic, to me.
Long story short, I have a good opinion of myself, but I’m also fairly convinced that my opinion is WRONG.
And I try to argue with myself. I remind myself of those wise words of Albus Dumbledore:
Really, Hagrid, if you are holding
out for universal popularity, I’m afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time.
I remind myself that NO ONE in history has EVER been universally liked.
Even Shakespeare had critics and they nailed Jesus to a log. I probably shouldn’t aim to be better liked than JESUS.
…Or maybe I really SHOULD.
Anyway, I probably shouldn’t get so upset whenever I think that ONE person here or there doesn’t like me or simply sees me differently from how I see myself.
But I do.
Because I wonder if their perception of me might, after all, be the most accurate.
How can we ever know what the truth is about ourselves? How do we know what to believe, and what to toss aside, when trying to have a realistic and correct self-perception?
I want to like myself, yes, but I don’t want to like a lie. I want to like myself as I really am.
Will the real Carol please stand up?
But I can never really see myself – only see the way I am reflected in the eyes of others.
So, how do I know which image is the true one?
You my dear were created in the image of perfection…and before you write me off as your religious freakshow friend…let me ask you something outside of the context of any specific religion.
A miracle happened when your parents brought you into this world, whoever made that happen… it happened! You have been loving, thinking, learning, laughing, shining, helping, nurturing, reading, talking, hugging, BEING every since. You do these things in a beautiful way, do you always do it perfectly? Hell no, but you are perfect in your humanity, and beautiful.
How DARE you allow another to rob of you (and all of us) of that. The only thing that diminishes you from that human perfection is allowing their voice to reduce it. SO SHINE! LIVE! LOVE! Beauty is feeling beautiful in WHO you are, not what you do, how you look, how you sanitize the thermometer.
I love you…Tara
“Beauty is feeling beautiful in who you are, not how you sanitize the thermometer” – I love it!
There’s one big fat problem with your logic here. It’s the part that says people like giving praise and dislike giving criticism. That is completely wrong. Especially when it comes to a job.
People LOVE giving criticism because negative feelings tend to be strong. How often when you’re driving do you think nice thoughts about someone who follows the rules of the road? How often do you get angry with someone who doesn’t? The latter vastly outweighs the former. Because when your blood gets boiling you want to do something about it.
At work, I had my performance review and we spent the whole time talking about things I’d done wrong. I knew I’d made the mistakes, I was frustrated with myself for making them. But then they gave me my evaluation and what was it? Almost completely positive. I know that a lot of people thought I did really well at my job, but not because they told me. It was usually because they told someone else who would tell me. Every time I messed up I heard about it. But I never got praise for doing something well. It didn’t mean I wasn’t doing my job well. It’s just that there’s a lot of people who consider being competent and good as what they expect in an employee.
So, my dear, I understand your need to alter your self-perception based on others. But I think you need to understand that you’re not getting the full picture the way you’re looking at it.
If you do want a full picture, ask your friends to tell you honestly. They know you best.
I am forced to admit that you may be right – but it baffles me. It feels horrible to give criticism! How could making someone else feel bad ever feel good? People are crazy.
Um
Except that some people seem to like to be critical. For example, some people think that being critical makes them sound smart. Others make themselves feel better by putting other people down.
I have trouble with this too. I’ve been given looks which imply I’m being naïve.
I don’t think you see yourself reflected in other people’s eyes. I think you see parts of yourself. My parents, for example, see a teenager who needs to be helped. My friends see someone enthusiastic and a bit silly. The other day, my sister told me I’m sometimes flaky, which is somewhat true. My clients see someone who is smart and competent, although not at all punctual. No perspective can be entirely accurate, because it’s influenced by who they are as well.
It’s a hopeless case, isn’t it? Maybe there is no truth. Only perceptions. We’re all just reflections.
I think the problem here is the conclusions you’re drawing from other people’s remarks. If someone asks you to shut a door, they are only saying “shut the door” whereas your brain turns it into a conclusion about you i.e. that you are incompetent. Have you tried CBT for this? In CBT these are called “hot thoughts”, so if my boyfriend is late from work I might think “he doesn’t care about me as much as his job” and this is a hot thought. Then you have to look for evidence for and against the hot thought, so I would look for evidence that he does care about me, of which there is plenty; not least that he is in a relationship with me. So for you, you would look for evidence the vet does NOT think you’re incompetent, i.e. he still employs you and employers will take time to correct things you do but not praise you, etc. Hope this helps. Your thought patterns are quite classic for anxiety – black and white thinking, catastrophising, mind reading (look these distorted thoughts up!). Despite your logic they are definitely wrong and should not be listened to!
Well, I’ve had CBT for anxiety and depression, and self-esteem factors somewhat into both, so I do know what I’m SUPPOSED to do. It’s so hard to it though, isn’t it?
three quick things:
1. I disagree with “But after all, you KNOW a negative reaction is honest, whereas compliments are often false or calculated.” LOTS of negative reactions are just knee-jerk, and if people used their brains before opening their mouths, the world would be a much better place.
2. I agree with billygean recommending CBT. I did a year-long DBT (similar to CBT but with an additional focus on mindfulness) support group and it helped me enormously with anxiety and negative self-talk. I’m at a point where I feel the negativity lurking and I can counter it with “this is me feeling uncomfortable….” and then I don’t KICK MYSELF IN THE HEAD AND GUT WHILE I’M DOWN.
3. You are an amazing beautiful person and if I had the money I would fly up there and help you get good sleep every night so you could turn this around!!!!!
“then I don’t kick myself in the head and gut while I’m down” – hilarious, and too true!
many things about this that i wanted to comment on, but i read it on my phone first and then forgot to come over to the computer to post…. grrrr. so i’ll just stick with 2 things.
self-esteem and self-image are totally and completely different things… i think we need to all work on having them balance each other. it’s when they are fighting with each other that we get down on our selves. if i have great self esteem, but a negative self image it makes me second guess that self esteem… then i expend too much energy trying to justify feeling good about myself.
about the compliment and criticism thing… i hope if someone compliments you you take it as truth. i know I don’t waste my time and energy complimenting people who do not truly deserve it. if i tell you you look beautiful today, or thank you for doing something, it’s from my heart, not from being polite. equally if i criticize someone, it’s not to hurt them, just to maybe point out something that could be done differently.
i love your writing and your little man is such a cute lil OWL. i hope you’re happy more than not. we’ve all got to have a little down time or the ups just wouldn’t be as lovely.
Great post. It hit home for me in so many ways, and I don’t even know where to begin commenting. Will have to save most points for a face-to-face.
Do want to say this, however:
I’ve always viewed you as incredibly creative, intelligent, honest, funny, sweet, and kind-hearted. Just so you know.