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attachment parenting, babies, dvds, friends, friendship, parenting, parenting styles, psychology, research, tv
When you have friends who are also parents, things can get awkward when parenting philosophies clash.
I have known since I was a teenager that I wouldn’t let my baby watch tv, and that I would use a diaper service, and that I would carry my child in a carrier instead of lugging around a car seat, and that I would breastfeed. They didn’t even feel like decisions. They were things I felt I knew about myself.
When I was getting my B.Sc in Psychology, I added things to my mental list of future parenthood.
I would practice attachment parenting, because I learned in Interpersonal Relations and Emotions classes how vital a secure attachment is to a person’s future happiness.
I would use babytalk (sorry, “parentese” :-p) with my baby, and sign language, because Psycholinguistics taught me that they actually speed up language development.
Watching a parent in a store, I would think about how I would deal with a discipline problem, using methods I had learned from Behaviour Modification.
Now I am a parent, and so are some of my friends.
And it can get awkward.
We see reflections of ourselves in the people around us
People feel very personal about their parenting decisions.
Everyone wants to be a good parent (I hope). No one wants to believe that they might be doing things wrong, and yet that fear lurks beneath the surface of every truly good parent. For that reason, people tend to get violently defensive of their own parenting techniques.
So I tread on eggshells.
I nod and smile when people suggest letting my baby cry it out, rather than lecture them about attachment styles. I downplay my use of the cloth diapers. Instead of talking to them about links to asthma, and low sperm counts, I tell them that “it’s laziness, really”, because the diaper service will deliver diapers to my house.
I don’t want to hurt my friends by suggesting that they did things wrong by letting their child cry it out, or by using disposable diapers. I don’t think they did do anything wrong. I just know I don’t want to do it.
Many of my friends are excellent parents whom I admire very much, and these little things are very minor in comparison to the many other things they do as parents that I wholeheartedly agree with. Some of them made those choices many years ago, when there was less information on the subject. So I don’t tell them why I make the choices that I make, in case they feel like I am lecturing them or implying that they did things wrong.
Doing this goes against my natural instincts, because I am a lecturer by nature. However, I was blessed with a friend of lesser intelligence when I was younger, and the hurt she invariably felt whenever I lost patience with her taught me the beginnings of self-censorship. I still don’t always know when to shut up, but I’m better than I used to be, and I know that parents don’t take lectures on parenting styles sitting down.
So I shut up, but sometimes it is really hard.
The other night, when a friend offered me her DVD for infants, which she referred to as “baby crack” I had to think fast to turn it down politely. I had an idea that a reflexive “Oh, HELL no, why don’t you just offer him some methamphetamines while you’re at it?” would not be a well-received response. This is a kind and intelligent person who doesn’t deserve that kind of rudeness.
I suppose I could have just accepted it from her and just never played it for Babby, but then she might have asked me how Babby liked it, and if I had been amused by it myself, and that could have started a whole web of lies. So I summoned every bit of tact I had and said,
“Thank you, but we have a DVD of original sesame street, and that’s enough for now.” I neglected to mention that there’s no way Babby is watching that before age two or three, either. I resisted adding that we don’t want Babby watching TV because pediatricians recommend absolutely no television before age two. I just said no thank you, and hinted that Babby was watching other things.
I feel bad, as if I had lied to my friend, because in a way I did lie. I misled her to think that I was not opposed to DVDs for infants, and that I had my own collection of such things. On the one hand, I spared her feelings and avoided insulting her own parenting choices. I feel that this was the right thing to do.
On the other hand, she babysits for us sometimes, and so I feel like I have delayed the inevitable… unless I want to take the risk that some day she will play “baby crack” for my own child… something I’m sure she wouldn’t do if she knew that it was against my rules. But if I tell her my rules, I’ll be risking making her angry and hurt.
What do you do, when someone suggests something for your child which violates your parenting beliefs? Conversely, what do you do if someone lectures you on your own?
I have some questionable parenting tactics myself
When I’m talking with someone who have a different parenting philosophy than I have… I remind myself that every child is different, every family is different, and what’s “right” for my child and family might not be “right” for someone else. (Even when I don’t understand their choices…)
When someone suggests something for Frances that won’t work for us, or isn’t what we want for her… I say thank you. (Except when it’s my mother. With her, I twitch and have to try hard not to be rude. ;>) Just because someone suggests something that is contrary to our parenting philosophy… doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come from a good place.
No one (apart from my mother) lectures me on my own parenting choices – they wouldn’t dare! =)
I agree about different things being right for different people, but others don’t always see it the same way. When I say that I’m doing something that is different from what they did, they start telling me why their way is better. But if I tell them WHY I’m making the decisions I’m making, I could end up implying that their way is wrong, and hurt their feelings. That’s what I’m afraid of, but I also hate being attacked without defending myself, so now I’m just verging on lying to avoid the awkward discussion. I’m afraid that if I say “I don’t want Babby watching TV” or “I don’t want him watching baby DVDs” they’re going to want to hear why and then argue with me.
I agree with Natalie. I’ve come across many people who have offered or suggested that I do certain things when in discussion about our kids. I won’t say anything to them when they mention the fact that they let their six month old sit mindlessly in front of the TV, nor do I say anything when I SEE it happen. However, if they suggested that I stick my own child in front of the television so that I could get things done, my response to them was usually, “No, I’ve heard that research has suggested that allowing a child to watch any amount of TV before the age of 3 may lead to ADD.” (this was back in 2003/4) That way, I haven’t pushed my philosophy on them, their feelings aren’t hurt and everyone walks away happy.
It’s alright to counter a suggestion with something that you can back up with fact. You’re not hurting anyone’s feelings, you’re just stating that for YOU and YOUR child, that’s not an acceptable alternative. You haven’t said anything to them about how you feel they are raising their child, nor have you degraded their abilities. When it comes to things like that, it’s better to keep it to how you feel and think about you and your situation, even if you could potentially hurt someone’s feelings. After all, this is a new human being you’re raising and it’s more important you follow through with what you believe in, than to try and spare someone a sting.
There needn’t be a lecture. Just a straight forward, “No, thanks, that doesn’t work for us.” And if they ask why, you can explain, without judgement to the offerer, why.
And they don’t get hurt or defensive? No “well, MY kids don’t have ADD and I let them watch TV all the time!”?
It seems like every time I mention something I’m doing with my kid (cloth diapers, no solids until 6 months, no cry it out etc) someone comes in arguing with me, but I don’t want to hurt them by defending myself, because that will somehow seem like an attack on their choices… They’re making their recommendations to be helpful, because their way worked for their family, and I don’t want to imply that they did things wrong… just that I have my own reasons for doing things my way. But if I tell them those reasons, they will think I am attacking their choices… Oy.
I’m very non-committal – I generally just say “nah, that doesn’t work for us” and change the subject.
When I leave the kids with anyone, and there are particular rules that I am not flexible on, I just tell them as I’m giving them “the rundown” before I leave (yes, the cats can go out; don’t worry about answering the phone if you don’t want to; no TV for the kids; bedtime at 8pm) and that way there doesn’t have to be a big bloody discussion about it.
I never go into my reasons for any of my parenting choices beyond “I tried x and it worked for me & my family”. I don’t expect them to justify their choices to me, so I don’t feel that I have to justify mine in return.
If I want a lecture on parenting, I’ll read a book or go online. There is nothing I find more presumptuous than another parent volunteering “helpful” information about methodologies & techniques. For that reason, I never ever volunteer advice unless asked – and then I never present anything in absolutes, I just say what worked for us after going on six years of trial & error.
Sounds good, but it’s hard for me to say “I’m trying no DVDs because that works best for me” when someone offers me a baby DVD. Sounds kind of odd…
I get offered advice a lot, which is fine but I often end up feeling cornered when I say that I’m trying something else and they begin to argue with me, and I don’t defend myself because I don’t want to attack their own choices. But it means that I feel frustrated a lot.
This is an important lesson – because you need to learn the difference between making your own choices clear and lecturing other people on theirs. And I’m not saying it’s easy! But in the particular circumstance that you mention here, I would just say “thanks, but that’s OK. I’m trying to avoid TV for as long as I can” and leave it at that. If the friend persists in trying to convince you to let your baby watch TV – which I really doubt – I would then say “there’s lots of time for kids to watch TV later on. Right now, baby finds staring at the front-loading washing machine just as interesting” or something similar.
I always try to defuse those kinds of potentially awkward situations with humour. The thing is, and you will need to say this to yourself an infinite number of times over the years, he is YOUR BABY. I have some friends who make some (in my mind) wacky freaking parenting choices. WACKY. But unless they are actively holding the kids down and beating them, I’m not going to say anything beyond “thanks, but no thanks”. Anyone who pushes you at that point deserves whatever statistics, studies, and lectures you choose to throw at them.
So far, every time I have mentioned my choices, I have been pushed. I guess that’s why I’m starting to shut my mouth even earlier. I haven’t dared throw statistics, even when pushed though, for fear of hurting their feelings.
Advice is so well meant and my friends are good parents, and I don’t want them to think that I think otherwise. But as you say, this is my baby.
Ultimately, other people’s reactions are not your responsibility. At all. We don’t know how people were raised, their experiences, we don’t know the filters they’ve created through which they take in information. You ARE responsible for being right with your word and your actions. Meaning, you can choose to say, “Hell no I wouldn’t take your DVD and I think it’s awful parenting that you allow that!” or you can say, “No thanks. We’re not doing TV for a while.” In the first, you are deliberately attacking the other person’s parenting style (which I know you wouldn’t do, I’m just using this to illustrate) and therefore should take responsibility in someone getting upset at you – you provoked it. In the second response, however, you are being honest, right with your word, true to what you believe, what you are actively practicing and not purposely offending anyone. If someone then chooses to take offense, that’s their issue, not yours. You had integrity in your statement and that’s all you can do. So, basically, it’s about you letting go of worry of offending and standing ground in your personal choices and personal integrity. That’s not lecturing anyone, it’s simply stating what you believe in when the need arises and moving on. There is NO WAY to EVER know, for sure, how to present something so as not to arouse an unfavorable reaction. It’s just about getting comfortable with that fact.
I have so much difficulty with this fact. I know I tend to take responsibility for other people’s actions, if I feel I have provoked them. My therapist once handed me a list of “assertive rights”, which included things like “the right to say no to requests” and “the right to make my own decisions, even if they are wrong” and it completely baffled me!
I’ve been lectured on my parenting exactly once in my entire parenting career. Those people were kicked out of our home and told that they could come back when they smartened up.
I have very little to say other than that because it’s never been an issue for me, possibly because I have so few face to face Mom friends. On the few occassions that I’ve gotten unsolicited advice, I usually just nod politely and then go home and do what I want. I avoid these discussions like the plague because nobody ever wins and it always ends in hurt feelings. Like religion and politics. Unless I am asked directly by someone genuinely interested in my parenting methods, I keep it to myself. The way I parent is nobody’s business but my own (and Mike’s,…maybe). (It also prevents people jumping out and blaming your parenting choices when anything goes amiss) And I’ve never felt that it was dishonest because parenting, when it comes down to it, is a parent’s relationship with their child. I wouldn’t discuss my relationship with my husband in such detail, so why would I discuss it about my child? My kids are happy and healthy, and that’s all anyone needs to know.
As far as the DVD situation goes, I think Maeghan’s right. All you have to say is “No, thanks!” and if you are pressed, just keep it simple: “we’re trying to avoid tv.” and if they further ask why, you can tell them why. If the other party gets hurt, or defensive, or tries to convince you to show your kid tv, that says more about them than it says about you. Then you can just be honest and say, “I don’t think we’re going to agree on this point, and I don’t want to get into an argument with you about it, so let’s just talk about something else.”
I think I remember you mentioning that incident.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who takes the nod and shut up strategy. What does it say about me that I assume that if I say “we’re trying to avoid TV” that the other person WILL take it as a personal attack?
I totally get where you’re coming from. I think most new parents probably feel this way to an extent, but even moreso when your choices are a little different from the norm and “stand out”, so to speak. Everyone else gave great advice, so I won’t repeat. I’ll just say that it seems to get better as the kids get older, at least in my experience. Maybe each side kind of slides a little more toward the middle and understands one another more? I think that’s what happened with me and my friends, anyway.
In the meantime, maybe you can find a new group of like-minded parents to hang out with? Like a meet-up group of attachment parents or something? And I personally find Mothering magazine’s online forums a helpful online community for discussing AP and other natural parenting issues, like co-sleeping and gentle discipline, etc. You might find that useful also, if you’re into “virtual” friends.
Just say no to “baby crack”!
You guys are my virtual friends!
I’m trying really hard to think if anyone has questioned my parenting style. I have received numerous suggestions, especially from my mother-in-law who often suggests CIO with our little one (the first time was when she was 6 weeks old) but I just pretend like I’m thinking it over and then say “we’re not ready for that yet” (well, we’ll never be ready for CIO). That works well for us. Of course, 6+ years of being a mum means my parenting style has changed many times so I try not to judge people who parent differently from me – I might need to try “their way” some day.
As for the no TV rule, we diligently followed that with our eldest and he did not watch TV for more than 2 years. However, it couldn’t be avoided with our younger two (well, it could but we choose to let our son watch TV while his siblings are in the same room). The 3 yr old does not have ADD and her language skills are very advanced. Time will tell with the 5 month old although she is playing with toys when the TV is on and rarely gives it a second glance.
I like the “not ready for it yet” excuse. I’ve used that.
if they’re watching your child, you have every right to “tell them the rules”!! even if the rules were that he must stand on his head for 2 hours a day, dems da rules!
i would love it if Greyson didn’t love the stupid TV so much, but he does… and yes i do feel a little guilty using it as a tool to “babysit” both my babes while i get the laundry and dishes done… if i didn’t use the tools i have though i would never get anything done:)
you are an excellent mother. your boy knows your love, and so do my kids. it’s not the things we give to them, or how we choose to give them to them, it’s the stuff in between. it’s the fact that we care enough to make the decisions we make to better their lives. the things we do to make them smile, and feel safe. whether they’ve got a mommy holding them all the time, or one in the next room…. as long as we teach them that we are there for them 100% no matter the god awful hour of the night, 20 times a night, WE ARE THEIRS.
Amen.
My mother Ferberized me and I don’t think it did me any serious damage. I don’t remember that, but I do remember feeling confidant that I could cry for her in the night and that (as long as she heard me) she would come. One of my first memories (I’m still in my crib in this memory) is of her sleeping in my room because I was scared of a thunderstorm (Ontario storms get fierce). So ultimately these little things don’t matter if the sum total is a feeling of love and caring. That being said, I’m going to stay on the plus side of the equation as much as I can, and I’m sure my son will lecture me on all the things they have found out since that I could have done better… and I’m okay with that.
I think it’s natural to be entranced by the tv, and even Babby isn’t living a life devoid of it. His father has pointed him at various football games, and I am lately trying to shield him from my Sex and the City addiction (a friend lent me the first three seasons). If he catches a few minutes of the news or has some time with his father bonding over sports, that’s one thing. Teletubbies is something else!
Greyson was subjected to season after season of Lword in my belly and as a weeeeee one:) hopefully he grows up to be a lesbian
oh and the weather network music would stop him from crying in 2 seconds… so much so that i recorded a minute of it because the music wouldn’t be on right when i needed it…. and then they went and got NEW music…. did they not know what they were doing to the peace in my house?
God bless classical conditioning!
I lost a friend once we both had kids. There was just no way to work around our completely different philosophies on child rearing.
In my experience, arguing does absolutely no good. Smile, nod, and say non-committal things. If you do state your choices, do just that…STATE them. Don’t explain, don’t justify, just say your choice, smile, and move on.
Ugh, that sucks. I hope that doesn’t happen to me!
The thing about this post, though, is that it is kind of unsolicited advice. I am aware it’s your blog and I choose to read it. I normally come here to read about how you’re getting on with your baby and the lovely PH anecdotes and suddenly I read about all your theories about diapers and not crying it out and so on. And I parent differently to you.
So it is almost like you have lectured me
Sue
I guess what I’m trying to say is that your blog post isn’t *that* different to somebody holding forth about how they parent at a party.
You could have simply asked the question – rather than saying what you do and what others do that you don’t agree with, couldn’t you?
So all us mums who do let our kids watch TV and use disposeable diapers wouldn’t read it, feel shocked and so bad…
Sue
But you shouldn’t feel bad just because I do things differently from you. This is exactly what I was talking about. The second someone says “I do things my way and I have my reasons” people think “but wait, those aren’t MY ways. One of us must be WRONG!”
Every parent needs to do what is right for them and their own family. I have friends who use disposable diapers. I have friends who let their babies (note – BABIES. Every kid in the world watches TV. I’m just not big on it for my five month old) watch TV. They are still good, loving parents whose kids are just fine. So here I am tiptoeing around them because I’m afraid that if I tell them that my choices are different from their choices, I’ll hurt their feelings and it frustrates me SO MUCH. It shouldn’t be that way.
Should we all keep our parenting styles a complete secret, lest other parents read about it or hear about it or see it and think “I don’t do it that way, so one of us must be wrong“?
Why can’t we BOTH be right?
It’s like I can’t say “my favourite colour is blue” because then all the people who prefer red will be like “Why do you hate red so much? Why can’t you like red the way I do? WHAT’S WRONG WITH RED?”
There’s nothing wrong with liking red just because I happen to like blue. I have my own reasons for liking blue but those are clearly not your reasons for liking red. This isn’t about right and wrong. It’s just individual variation.
Why can’t I say what I want to do with my own baby without someone thinking that if I am right they must be wrong, or if they are right that I must be wrong? Why must I put myself in the wrong to make them feel in the right? It drive me crazy that all I have to say to a friend is “oh, I’m not giving Babby solid food before six months because that’s the latest recommendation by pediatricians” and next thing I know I’m being lectured on how I should feed him earlier because THEY were told to feed THEIR babies starting at 4 months. They followed the recommendations of their era, but now I am supposed to be “wrong” for following the recommendations of MY era.
Doesn’t that seem messed up?
I can’t even defend myself and tell them the reasons that pediatricians have changed their recommendations, because that will somehow be telling them that they did it wrong, which isn’t true, because they did what their doctors told them to do, which is just what I’m doing! So I have to sit in the wrong instead, and I’m getting really tired of it.
People need to stop taking the decisions of other parents personally. Every set of parents and every baby is different, and it frustrates me so much that I can’t even MENTION my own parenting choices because somehow just saying that I do it differently makes people think that I think they should do it my way, when I have said no such thing. I want to stop feeling ashamed for parenting differently from others. It isn’t fair. Maybe everyone should stop making parenting a competitive sport and just do the best they can for their own kids and respect that strategies vary by household.
You’re a great mom, you’ve made different and in some cases I think better choices than I did 16 years ago, and yet, I regret few of them. It hadn’t occured to anyone back then that TV caused ADD in kids. Who knows, maybe if Matty hadn’t enjoyed countless hours of disney videos (his parents addiction, not his) or blues clues he might not have the learning challenges he does (I actually doubt it…but I’ll never know).
Ferberizing both my kids seemed to make them more content, happy little buggers – and I quite enjoyed having full nights of sleep from month three onward… but I also had really really good kids in general, so I don’t really know if Ferber is to thank or if he just sped up what would have happened naturally.
As for your opinions, I’m shocked that some would feel lectured by you post which to me seemed quite honest and straightforward – I think most parents have felt the same way actually!
Keep doing what you’re doing (just get rid of Dr Useless already!) — and hang in there
I think there will always be things that we wish we had done differently. You are an amazing mom and when I look at your beautiful kids, who are respectful, talk well with adults, and clearly adore their mother, I can only hope that I will have as good a relationship with my own kids when they are teenagers.
I don’t think ferberizing them did them any harm for the same reason I don’t think my mother did me any harm – I clearly had a secure attachment to her despite cry it out, and Ferberizing isn’t as bad as some other forms of it.
Plus, as I’ve said to you, age makes a difference. I think I was 9 months or so before my mother did it with me, and you can bet your britches I’ll be doing it if he is still having problems when he’s older (once he’s verbal you’ll find my guilt goes way down).
As for the TV, maybe it was a factor but like you, I doubt it. I’m sure T’ea watched her share of Disney and she’s fine.
I’m making my choices out of the best information that is available to me, because I might as well, but I honestly don’t believe that I have all the answers for everyone, or even that these minor choices I’m making are going make that big a difference in the end.
Hi there – I’m sick at home and reading your archives. So many of the things you write sound like thoughts from my own head – if only I could write so well.
And this post really resonates with me. First, in reading your history, I’m starting to realize that the normal level of worry that I have carried throughout my life, may not actually be a normal level of worry. Thank you for that! Somehow you’ve made me realize this when a lifetime of people gently (or not-so-gently) making fun of my worrying did not. I also realize that I seem to have turned a corner on that, perhaps with the birth of our son.
The way I feel is that, we have our choices regarding parenting. If the subject comes up, I state what we are doing. Full stop. No reasons. If the person is interested, they will ask, and I’d be happy to answer.
If somebody tries to give me advice, I might say something like “thank you, we’ll take it under advisement.” or “thank you, I appreciate the thought but we are choosing something else.” and then do whatever we think is best.
I have a friend with a baby two months older than ours. Her choices are different from ours. We are half a world apart and communicate only by email. She cannot mention a parenting choice without listing all of her reasons for said choice, and invariably I completely disagree with some of her reasons. But I do not argue with her. She has had problems with people taking it as though she is judging their choices. I try not to do that. Sometimes it sounds more like she is trying to convince herself, than trying to convince me.
At the same time, she is really struggling in some areas. Her 16 month old wakes up once an hour at night. She is seriously sleep-deprived, which doesn’t help the conversations any (it’s hard to respond rationally, rather than emotionally, when sleep deprived!).
I told her about some of our personal experience – making clear that I knew that it may not apply to her… She thanked me for the info and then suggested that in the hypothetical future situation for her, my experience wouldn’t be relevant because her baby was so much more determined than ours seemed to be.
I have a pathological dislike for “my baby is more *** than your baby” conversations. Whether it’s bragging about good stuff or complaining about bad stuff. We can’t know what life is actually like in anyone else’s household. I’d rather just share experiences without judgements. Argh.
If this were an random person, I’d have just said something like “Oh really? That’s interesting.” But it’s not; she’s a close friend. So I asked her as a personal favor for my sanity if we could avoid conversations sounding like “my baby is more *** than your baby.” I have no idea if this will cost me a friend…
I’ve completely lost the plot here – all I want to say is that I’m impressed with you for thinking about all of this and for going to such lengths to protect everyone else’s feelings. Please remember that your feelings are valid too! (ie: is anyone else so worried about not offending you?)
“Sometimes it sounds more like she is trying to convince herself, than trying to convince me”
^ This.
I know exactly what you mean.
“Please remember that your feelings are valid too! (ie: is anyone else so worried about not offending you?)”
I often have difficulty with this. I find it difficult to keep myself and others in my mental view screen at once. Whenever I switch to myself I end up upsetting or hurting someone else (or so I perceive) so I end up (more and more) trying to focus on the feelings of those around me. My GAD counsellor of last year would probably ask me “What’s so bad about hurting someone else’s feelings occasionally?” and it’s questions like that which would always floor me. I know that when someone hurts MY feelings it feels SO awful, and I hate to make anyone feel like that, ever. But it means that I’m forever apologizing for myself before I even confess to having an opinion.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Thanks for the opportunity to think/talk it out. I’m glad that I, too, am not the only one who feels this way.
Over the course of my life, I’ve had a really hard time with the remembering that my feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. The last year or so hasn’t been quite as bad, but I agree with your response to your GAD counsellor’s question. And I wholeheartedly agree with the counsellor’s question, too.
It takes some practice, maybe? Hurting some feelings and realizing the world doesn’t end?
Somehow we’ve stepped away from most of the drama-filled relationships, and that’s been good. I hope to keep that trend going.