Tags
depression, life, meaning, mood swings, people, pregnancy, wheel of fortune
“Carol, how are you feeling? You rated a little high on our depression and anxiety scale,” my OB said to me yesterday at my 28 week appointment.
It’s difficult to say. At that particular moment, as, indeed, for most of yesterday, I felt just great. Cheerful, confidant, ready to take on a third trimester, a baby and yes, even labour, with a smile. As she asked me that question, I felt like telling her that I hadn’t a trace of depression remaining.
But there are times when I feel so melancholy for reasons I can’t explain. I feel no dissatisfaction with my life – I’m loving the baby, even when he keeps me up at night with his resentful poking at the mattress (and by extension, my peritoneum). I’m loving that I’m done work, even if I’m not loving the reasons WHY I am done work. Perfect Husband continues to be my absolute favourite person, and if it were possible to love him more I would when he shows such solicitude over me when I’m feeling uncomfortable or odd in some way. But still, I walk around feeling close to tears and overwhelmed at times.
Is that the depression? Or the pregnancy? Mood swings are normal, right? Surely it is not out of normal range to feel fine but then suddenly tear up inexplicably to John Mayer’s “Daughters”?
But here’s this doctor’s scale, telling me that I am a little out of normal range and my OB (after a significant exchanging of glances between her and my husband when he tells her how low my current dose is) telling me we can increase my Wellbutrin if necessary.
Well, I’m going back to the Reproductive Mental Health shrink tomorrow for a follow-up, so we’ll see what she says.
+++
We drove down to Seattle yesterday to try out for Wheel of Fortune. Or at least, for my husband to try out. Even if I weren’t suffering from pregnancy brain (We spent much of the trip with Perfect Husband quizzing me on countries’ capitals and we discovered that even easy ones like Kenya and Germany were slipping my mind), Wheel of Fortune has never been my game. I can guess the puzzles fairly well, but not brilliantly. However, Perfect Husband often has the puzzle figured out before the second or third letter has been called.
It was basically a throw-our-names-in-a-hat situation. An auditorium filled with hundreds and hundreds of people, and only a random thirty called on stage to try out. We knew chances were slim but after all, in a couple of months we won’t be able to take random car trips down to the states nearly so easily, so why not go and take our chances?
We didn’t luck out, so there go dreams of $30,000 from Wheel of Fortune (because I know my husband would win). What an interesting cross-section of America, though.
There was the lady who cheerfully confessed that she was “supposed to be on disability” and hoped that no one from the government would see this tape, and then danced happily for the cameras to some funky music looking not disabled in the slightest.
There was the girl who admitted that she’d only ever seen Wheel of Fortune “like, once.” Yeah, she’s not getting on the show.
Then there were the people who couldn’t tell the announcer anything about themselves… because they just didn’t know.
Ever since we were tiny, we have had people ask us the basic getting-to-know-you questions.
How old are you? What do you want to be when you grow up? What are you interested in?
We spend years encouraging children to think about who they are, yet it turns out that many adults still cannot easily answer such basic questions about themselves. When asked to sum up their life and purpose in a few sentences for the cameras, many would shrug and look confused.
Announcer: Tell me about yourself!
Person: Uh… I dunno…
Announcer: What do you do?
Person: I’m unemployed…
Announcer: Well, what is your dream job?
Person: I dunno… anything really… whatever pays money…
Announcer: …So what do you enjoy doing? How do you like to spend your time?
Person: I dunno… I spend a lot of time in the casino, I guess…
or
Announcer: I like your purple jacket!
Person: Yah, I wun it.
Announcer: You won it? Really? How did you win it??
Person: Uh… I dunno…. I jest wun it…
Announcer: …Okay, then! Are you ready to play WHEEL OF FORTUNE?
Person: Huh?
It was just heartbreaking.
It makes me think of Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web, who says calmly to Wilbur, “After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die.”
The world is full of people like that, and I saw a sample of them last night. They just live, and they don’t know what makes them special, what makes their life unique. I’m not saying that they aren’t special or unique, but they certainly haven’t discovered it themselves. Do they think about it? Maybe, maybe not.
Charlotte believed that by helping her friend, “…perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heavens knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”
So tell me, how do you lift your life up? What brings meaning to your life? What makes you you? If asked to tell the world why you are special, what would you say?
Oh my god, it has been a LIFELONG dream of mine to go on Wheel of Fortune. I watch Wheel almost every single night and have for years…I kick ASS at Wheel and I am training my daughter to do the same. We both want to go on for mother/daughter week or something. I am so jealous you went and tried out! So cool.
And you know what makes me special? I can burp the alphabet twice in one burp and say ‘who’s your daddy’ afterward. All in the same burp! And I can do it without drinking six beers or a case of Coke…it’s all natural talent with me.
I am DEEPLY impressed!
First of all I had amazing spectacular mood swings when I was pregnant. Cry at toilet paper commercials and laugh until I nearly peed myself at Tim Horton’s commercials (which aren’t funny). No reason. No depression. Just preggers. My family thought I was loosing it.
As for your questions: It’s a long list. A calf born yesterday, the caramel aero McFlurry I just ate. My husband, my kids. Blue sky, green grass. Jellybeans and warm socks. The heat of the sun. A cool breeze on a hot day. Soft warm rain. It all lifts me up. It all makes me feel special.
I, too, am dying to go on WOF with my mom!! Ugh… don’t they screen for interesting people who can form a sentence about themselves? That was a pretty sad display you described.
What lifts me up? Hmm. Reading good books, listening (and sometimes dancing) to great music, writing, taking photos of my kiddos and dog, hearing my kids belly laugh, playing outside on a beautiful day, true friends, making connections with people, bringing a spot of sunshine to someone else’s day.
I ask myself a lot why anyone should want to know me. There are a lot of parts of me I’m not particularly proud of. One of the good parts that most consistently feels true is that I think I am better at looking for the good than most people. I am also incapable of not looking for the bad along with it, though. I play devil’s advocate unceasingly and where really not appropriate, and I am utterly incapable of decision making. But I am empathetic. I care about people and try to help. I give people the benefit of doubt. I will sacrifice in a heartbeat more for a friend who needs me than I think most would in return, although I can be incredibly lazy and unreliable about the small stuff. I am far from perfect in terms of doing the right thing, but I am proud of the fact that I can’t fathom not caring enough to try. I have crazy, crazy vivid dreams. That’s not exactly a choice, but it is something that makes me who I am. I like that I have the capacity to experience so much, even when it sucks. I am good at lateral thinking and word puzzles. I get a strange amount of joy out of making little mental connections like suddenly recognizing the origins of a common word or piecing together the likely meaning of a phrase in a language I don’t speak. I love the ever-branching free-form associations and visions that flicker behind my eyes some nights while I drift in lucid not-quite-sleep. I also consider skepticism and a committment to the scientific method integral parts of my personality. Some days I want to tattoo CORRELATION IS NOT CAUSATION on my forehead. This does not change to fact that I talk to the weather. One of my favorite quotes is from Tom Robbins’ book Even Cowgirls Get the Blues: “I believe in nothing; everything is sacred. I believe in everything; nothing is sacred.”
I am an infinite number of dichotomies. I am insecure, humble and arrogant all at once, generous and self-centered. I am painfully shy and love to talk about myself far too much.
So, how did the visit with the Reproductive Mental Health shrink go?
My condolences to PH on not making the show. It’s really Jeopardy that is his calling, though.
I definitely think your sunny and caring attitude is one of your most defining traits. I miss you! Come back for a visit any time.
Oh yeah, I should talk about the shrink. Mostly it went fine, but she wants to see me again after Babby is born.
Awwww. Too bad about WOF. I would have loved to watch PH on there, even though I’ve never met him. Chris loves Jeopardy, and is pretty good at it, though not good enough to be on the show. (Shhh! Don’t tell him I said that.)
Hmmmm… I think I’d be as bad as those Americans at talking about myself when asked. I have a hard time with those types of questions, ’cause usually they’re looking for succinct and work- or hobby-oriented answers, neither of which I can supply as I have no career or club memberships or whatever at the moment.
What brings meaning to my life? Being a mom and a wife. Being a good sister, daughter and friend.
What lifts me up? Waking up next to a smiling baby. My toddler’s funny imagination. Long hugs from my husband. A nice, hot shower. Re-reading my favorite books. Cooking and eating delicious comfort foods. Chocolate. Sleeping in (rare these days!). Going for walks with my friend and our kids. Online shopping! Simple, everyday things.