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Everyone knows (ok, that’s vastly inaccurate, but just let me believe it) that it’s wrong to have bring a child into the world because of personal problems. You shouldn’t have a baby to fix your relationship, to get unconditional love from someone, or any other selfish reason. You know this, and I know this.
BUT.
If you think that a large part of the reason that you are currently depressed is because you want a baby so badly… then is it wrong to have a baby in order to try and cure the depression??
Here’s my worry about that statement – curing your depression is an awful lot of responsibility to put on a baby. Especially since your depression, from the sounds of things, goes back years.
I totally understand feeling that all you want is a baby, and that having one will help. But that’s a false equation – it doesn’t work out. The most longed-for and loved babies can still cause their mothers to lock themselves in the bathroom sobbing from time to time.
By all means, continue trying to have your baby. But do EVERYTHING you can to get yourself sorted out in the meantime. You owe your baby, and yourself, as calm and happy a mommy as possible.
“If you think that a large part of the reason that you are currently depressed is because you want a baby so badly… then is it wrong to have a baby in order to try and cure the depression?”
Yes, but mainly because of ante-natal depression and post-natal depression. One of the most upbeat and mentally healthy people I know was totally whacked by the birth of her child, and is slowly getting back to normal – and that’s working from a good foundation, not a bad one. While post-natal depression is not universal (10% of new mothers), a significant risk factor is previous depression, so your likelihood is greater than 10%. Your expectation of a ‘cure’ from the baby is overstated, to say the least.
I also agree with Hannah’s comment – that’s a hell of a responsibility for a baby. What if it doesn’t work? Does the baby take the blame? People who grow up knowing their parents resented them for some reason have poor mental health outcomes; are you sure you’re not going to resent the child if they don’t provide your cure (or even an improvement)?
Both of you make good points, and I think I need to clarify my position a little.
I would not be bringing the child into the world purely out of hopes of fixing my depression. I have wanted to be a mother since I was very small. I actually MISS my children. I physically MISS them. I want to raise my child, teach him/her, read to him/her, and yes, even discipline him/her.
What I meant was this -
If NOT having a baby is worsening my depression, then does it really make sense that I am denying myself a baby until the depression is fixed? It just seems like I’m in this terrible spiral. I have a bout of depression, Perfect Husband wants it fixed before we start having a baby. Knowing that I no longer have a baby to look forward to sends me deeper into depression, making Perfect Husband even more sure that this needs to be fixed first. Despair grows. And so on.
I just feel so helpless. The more I want my child, the less I can have my child. I’ll never be able to be a mother, because the longer I go without becoming one, the more unstable my mental health seems to become…
You know your own mind best – yes, you do – Perfect Husband he may be but he’s not inside your head. And depression isn’t something that is fixed, like a broken leg; it takes time, and there are steps forward and steps back.
Telling you that you can’t have a baby until you aren’t depressed anymore is, frankly, unfair. And may very well make treating you even more difficult. I say as long as you are in treatment of some kind, and your doctor / psychologist / counsellor is aware that you are looking to conceive, then that should be enough.
He’ll count that as enough, I think. He’s increasingly worried about me. And really, if I went in that bedroom right now, and told him “We’re having a baby NAOW” he’d relent. He wants a child too, as much as I do. He just doesn’t have a ticking biological clock. No, I let him make this decision for me because I know he’s right, that it’s bad for the baby.
But yes, when I imagine how this might prolong and extend the depression, it doesn’t make much sense.
I’ve finally found a counsellor who will see me – third phone call’s the charm – next week. But I know that what I really still need is a GP. And I’m terrified of going again, because I’m so afraid of being dismissed and ridiculed again.
I, once again, agree with pretty much everything Hannah said.
On the one hand, post partum depression, risk factors for the baby, trying to cope with taking on the thing that is most important to you in life on the least sleep you’ve ever had with the highest stakes and so many opportunities for perfectionism and guilt…it makes a lot of sense to want to be as strong as you can be going in.
On the other hand, having this incredible pressure to get well on a deadline with such a big punishment for “failure” (no baby) seems more likely to leave you hating yourself than happy. Pregnancy seems to screw with people’s biochemistry in unpredictable ways, and while it can be very, very bad, it can also very occassionally be a cure. There is never a right time to have a baby and if you try to calculate all the risk factors for everything you will go mad. I think it would be a mistake to assume that having a baby should be all you need to be happy. But I don’t don’t think it would be unethical to have a child while having a diagnosis of depression if it feels right to you, if you’re undergoing treatment and if you divise a plan with the caregiver and PH so that you have as much support as possible and that if things start getting worse it will be noticed and addressed very quickly.
I disagree that it is wrong to have children for selfish reasons. Being a good parent means a lot of sacrifice to come, but since the advent of modern birth control, how many people do you think truly have children for unselfish reasons? Children don’t need us until after we create them. Being the grown ups and the ones who had a say in bringing them into this world means an obligation to put their needs first most of the time, to examine our motives and to help them become full persons in their own rights rather than whatever suits us. But I think needing them a little too is okay. Maybe even mandatory. Human love just works that way.
You’re very wise, Amy.
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